The Monster

[akuma_hana]

In many ways, I feel that I've become quite immature during these recent years. Believe it or not, I was able to control my emotions, able to handle anger, sadness, and such to a great extent. I was able to do work without a hitch, no complaints, no troubles. Just to get it done and out of the way. Now, I can't help but blow up every week, get mad at things that I would usually be able to control, and run from my troubles by half assing on things that should have been done with care. What has become of me? A selfish, ignorant, useless being that is unable to help herself or others. I've been through this process of thinking before, asking what would the younger version of myself say to the my present self (from which I later learn that my friend has asked the same thing). Would she stare at me in disgust, or be in denial and refuse to even think of such a thing to be? I make excuses for my laziness, and run away from things that should be done. Yet when I think of these problems, and my failures, I laugh it off as if it were nothing but a bad dream. I consider myself now to be useless, stubborn, a poor excuse as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a human being. I no longer strive for anything. I have no determination, no motivation. I just simply, live, breathe, and keep one foot in front of the other. I disappoint everyone around me, and do nothing to try to prevent that. Just when I tell myself to change, to be what I used too, or even better, something inside pulls me back, as if I'm trapped underwater, and no matter how much I move, the water slows me down, and I just keep sinking. The sea feels endless when it's only yourself that is weighing you down.

I'll be trying to indulge myself in fantasy, to run away from reality again, and laugh like mad to try to keep bad memories at bay. Monday is rolling by pretty quick. It feels like a killer, a monster, a demon, slowly but surly, grinning from ear to ear, waiting up ahead of me ready eat me whole, and what will I be doing? I'd be smiling, laughing like there are no troubles in the world, while staring straight at what is to come.

Is this really living