As I sit here...
I've been thinking a lot about my previous entries and what others may think of me based on information from them. It occurred to me that I might seem kinda desperate. Well, to whomever doesn't talk to me on a regular basis and might think that, I'm not. I don't think I am. I think I'm just lonely and I look for things that aren't there in places that seem right. It's hard sometimes, when you can't tell whether something's right or whether you're only looking somewhere because you're lonely. It's like when I was growing up, my mom made the worst Kool-Aid in history. I mean, it was just bad. But when it was really hot out and you've been running around, you come inside and you see that Kool-Aid and you drink a whole glass non-stop and it's great! But when you're not really thirsty, like at lunch or dinner when it's just there, it's not that great. In fact, it's very unappealing. I'm scared that I'm the same way with attraction and loneliness. If I wasn't so alone, would I still be interested in the guys I have been? I'm frustrated and confused. This song is so perfect right now. It just sucks when you can't trust your own instinct. Maybe it's not instinct, though. But what then? What makes me lower my intuitive standards to become interested in guys that normally I'd dismiss as unavailable in some facet. But now...well. I won't go into now. It's like slamming into a brick wall. Except it's doing that without expecting a door to be there. It's just seeing a wall, and not stopping. BAM! Oh right, unavailable. Yeah, I knew that.
It would be nice to understand my head. Be secure, that kind of thing. Not secure like, secure in myself. Secure as in, you know how you work and what will and will not work for you. Secure in my humanity. Whatever that means. Times like this I wonder what the point of it all is. And then I wonder what I'm waiting for. It'd be cool if my real life would start now. Times like this I think of that one pivotal line that named the movie As Good As It Gets. Jack Nicholson is leaving the shrink's office and he sees all these people in the waiting room and he stops and says, "What if this...is as good as it gets?" And one woman starts crying. It's a great moment. But I'm that one woman in the waiting room. Sometimes the idea that life doesn't get any better is devastating. Especially when you've never KNOWN better. You've only seen it in movies or other people. And you start to think, "Why them and not me?" "What the fuck did I do to get dealt this hand?" "When will things get better, and if they don't, what can I possibly do?" Okay, maybe not everyone thinks this way, but I do. I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to show up with a clipboard and say, "Oops, sorry, this isn't the life you were meant to have. But come with me and I'll take you to the place where you're meant to be." Maybe that place isn't far away from here. There's just no door in the wall.
It would be nice to understand my head. Be secure, that kind of thing. Not secure like, secure in myself. Secure as in, you know how you work and what will and will not work for you. Secure in my humanity. Whatever that means. Times like this I wonder what the point of it all is. And then I wonder what I'm waiting for. It'd be cool if my real life would start now. Times like this I think of that one pivotal line that named the movie As Good As It Gets. Jack Nicholson is leaving the shrink's office and he sees all these people in the waiting room and he stops and says, "What if this...is as good as it gets?" And one woman starts crying. It's a great moment. But I'm that one woman in the waiting room. Sometimes the idea that life doesn't get any better is devastating. Especially when you've never KNOWN better. You've only seen it in movies or other people. And you start to think, "Why them and not me?" "What the fuck did I do to get dealt this hand?" "When will things get better, and if they don't, what can I possibly do?" Okay, maybe not everyone thinks this way, but I do. I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to show up with a clipboard and say, "Oops, sorry, this isn't the life you were meant to have. But come with me and I'll take you to the place where you're meant to be." Maybe that place isn't far away from here. There's just no door in the wall.