(no subject)
So here we are, about to go into Tech for the final show of the season, and everything's falling apart for me. I know I have good things to look forward to.. the upcoming Disney gig is a good one, and I'll finally be able to really save a lot of money fast. But right now, I'm just in a funk that keeps getting worse.
For starters, I realize being a music director that I'm not going to get a lot of credit or recognition. I realize that it's an underappreciated job. It still starts to get to me though, when I go a full season, and I watch every director and every choreographer (even ones the cast didn't like) get gifts and cards that the cast got together and pitched in on. On "Thouroughly Modern Millie," some people chipped in and got all kinds of things for the costume shop girls, because of how hard they'd worked on a very difficult costume build. Don't get me wrong, I was glad to see them do that... I know full well how hard those girls work... but one of the reasons I do know (aside from dating one of them), is that when tech week comes, and Brandy and Leah in particular are staying at the theatre all night working, I see them... I see them because I'M there all night working too. But this seems to go unnoticed by the cast. I pour my heart and soul, sweat and tears into these shows, and I'm lucky to get a 'thank you' even verbally from the cast. For awhile I thought that maybe they're just waiting til the last show to do something for me, because I'm there all season, and the directors aren't. But they got stuff for the director of "Singin' in the Rain" and he's also directing the next show. Who knows, maybe there will be something there opening night, but I'm not really counting on it. I really just want to walk into the pit opening night and find flowers and a card or something... something so I feel appreciated.
It doesn't help that they've been gradually taking my authority away from me over the last few shows. I have a capable, hard-working assistant. I like the work he does, I'm happy with him. Unfortunately, he's been around the theatre since he was a child, and the producers really seem to believe that anything good that happens musically is because he's there, and that good things happen despite me. I wonder why the fuck I'm here sometimes. The current director, throughout "Singin' in the Rain," would come up to the pit with music questions, and look right past me and to my assistant, and say "Josh, can we....?" I called him on it once, he made excuses and said he'd bring those questions to me, and then the next night during notes, said "Josh, I need to discuss something with you." What he wanted to discuss was adding vocals to a section of a song. But he was going to go straight to my assistant without talking to me first. Only reason I was let in the loop was because when he was done with notes, I was talking to my assistant, and I think it became clear to him that I wasn't going anywhere. That's just one example of the crap I'm putting up with... I was blamed for the sound guy's incompetence, for instance. As the head of the costume shop put it, some people shit gold here, and there's not much I can do about it.
To add real insult to all of this, tonight was the theatre's annual "awards" ceremony, where they give some silly, and some real awards. One of the categories was "Hardest Working Company Member." Not only was my assistant nominated (and I wasn't), but he won. First of all, he's not even a member of the company... the company is the actors who are there all season. Second, he doesn't work any harder than I do. I've pulled many, many all nighters this season just to keep him from having to do it. I'm not saying he doesn't work hard, because he does. He works his ass off. But damn it, so do I. He happens to be the same age as most of the company, and he hangs out with them, and lives in a house with cast members, so they recognize his work. I keep to myself with my work, and it goes unnoticed. Which usually, I can handle... but tonight... well, that was just a slap in the face.
And if things weren't bad enough, I broke up with Nicole last night. Things have been tense for awhile, and I just couldn't take any more. And I keep wondering if I did the right thing. I'm miserable. I should be relieved, and I'm miserable. I don't fall easily, but I really fell badly this time, and now, with less then three crummy weeks left, it's over. Is there a chance to fix it? Maybe. But I don't know how, when she doesn't want to be around anyone at all, period. At least that's what she's said (and the people she works with have said she's anti-social with them too). But she also said that's only been in the last few days, but she's been pushing me away for the last few weeks. So I know that's not it. I just know I love her, and I hate that this is happening. I wish she'd just reach out to me, throw her arms around me, and kiss me, and show me that she wants me. But it's just not happening. I'm so fucking lousy at these things.
My little sister just turned 21, and I couldn't be there. My brother got married, and I couldn't be there for his reception. I miss my family.
Anyway, that's enough of that. If you've read this and you're depressed now, my apologies. I just needed to write about it.
On a more positive note, as we were finishing a performance of "Singin' in the Rain" yesterday, I was just finishing the exit music, and a woman looked at me, clapping, and said "You are a marvel, young man. Truly a marvel." Now if only the people I work with would see it. If only Nicole saw it.
I'm going to try to sleep for a few hours now.
For starters, I realize being a music director that I'm not going to get a lot of credit or recognition. I realize that it's an underappreciated job. It still starts to get to me though, when I go a full season, and I watch every director and every choreographer (even ones the cast didn't like) get gifts and cards that the cast got together and pitched in on. On "Thouroughly Modern Millie," some people chipped in and got all kinds of things for the costume shop girls, because of how hard they'd worked on a very difficult costume build. Don't get me wrong, I was glad to see them do that... I know full well how hard those girls work... but one of the reasons I do know (aside from dating one of them), is that when tech week comes, and Brandy and Leah in particular are staying at the theatre all night working, I see them... I see them because I'M there all night working too. But this seems to go unnoticed by the cast. I pour my heart and soul, sweat and tears into these shows, and I'm lucky to get a 'thank you' even verbally from the cast. For awhile I thought that maybe they're just waiting til the last show to do something for me, because I'm there all season, and the directors aren't. But they got stuff for the director of "Singin' in the Rain" and he's also directing the next show. Who knows, maybe there will be something there opening night, but I'm not really counting on it. I really just want to walk into the pit opening night and find flowers and a card or something... something so I feel appreciated.
It doesn't help that they've been gradually taking my authority away from me over the last few shows. I have a capable, hard-working assistant. I like the work he does, I'm happy with him. Unfortunately, he's been around the theatre since he was a child, and the producers really seem to believe that anything good that happens musically is because he's there, and that good things happen despite me. I wonder why the fuck I'm here sometimes. The current director, throughout "Singin' in the Rain," would come up to the pit with music questions, and look right past me and to my assistant, and say "Josh, can we....?" I called him on it once, he made excuses and said he'd bring those questions to me, and then the next night during notes, said "Josh, I need to discuss something with you." What he wanted to discuss was adding vocals to a section of a song. But he was going to go straight to my assistant without talking to me first. Only reason I was let in the loop was because when he was done with notes, I was talking to my assistant, and I think it became clear to him that I wasn't going anywhere. That's just one example of the crap I'm putting up with... I was blamed for the sound guy's incompetence, for instance. As the head of the costume shop put it, some people shit gold here, and there's not much I can do about it.
To add real insult to all of this, tonight was the theatre's annual "awards" ceremony, where they give some silly, and some real awards. One of the categories was "Hardest Working Company Member." Not only was my assistant nominated (and I wasn't), but he won. First of all, he's not even a member of the company... the company is the actors who are there all season. Second, he doesn't work any harder than I do. I've pulled many, many all nighters this season just to keep him from having to do it. I'm not saying he doesn't work hard, because he does. He works his ass off. But damn it, so do I. He happens to be the same age as most of the company, and he hangs out with them, and lives in a house with cast members, so they recognize his work. I keep to myself with my work, and it goes unnoticed. Which usually, I can handle... but tonight... well, that was just a slap in the face.
And if things weren't bad enough, I broke up with Nicole last night. Things have been tense for awhile, and I just couldn't take any more. And I keep wondering if I did the right thing. I'm miserable. I should be relieved, and I'm miserable. I don't fall easily, but I really fell badly this time, and now, with less then three crummy weeks left, it's over. Is there a chance to fix it? Maybe. But I don't know how, when she doesn't want to be around anyone at all, period. At least that's what she's said (and the people she works with have said she's anti-social with them too). But she also said that's only been in the last few days, but she's been pushing me away for the last few weeks. So I know that's not it. I just know I love her, and I hate that this is happening. I wish she'd just reach out to me, throw her arms around me, and kiss me, and show me that she wants me. But it's just not happening. I'm so fucking lousy at these things.
My little sister just turned 21, and I couldn't be there. My brother got married, and I couldn't be there for his reception. I miss my family.
Anyway, that's enough of that. If you've read this and you're depressed now, my apologies. I just needed to write about it.
On a more positive note, as we were finishing a performance of "Singin' in the Rain" yesterday, I was just finishing the exit music, and a woman looked at me, clapping, and said "You are a marvel, young man. Truly a marvel." Now if only the people I work with would see it. If only Nicole saw it.
I'm going to try to sleep for a few hours now.