Weird, Weird, Weird (But Mostly Good) Day.
So last night I came home from work just after midnight and found that my most recent fictional endeavor was deleted from Fanfiction.net. The reason given made little sense to me, but I figured there is no reason for me to waste my time posting it again, but ugh. Annoying, and I'll be honest, I feel kind of violated. I don't believe anything I wrote violates a rule but apparently someone took the time to report me that felt otherwise.
Meh.
It won't stop me from posting there again, but I'm definitely a little miffed about it.
So today is my day off.I had plenty to do, almost none of which I actually did. I did get paid today (finally, longest two weeks ever). And I was pleased to see that it was more than my projected amount that I put on my budget, so I'm on the right track to getting my shit back together. But I was supposed to go to Amscot today to pay off the cash advance I had to take out, and I was also supposed to call the insurance companies - the old one to cancel, and the new one to start up coverage.
Oh well, there's tomorrow for that.
I did manage to clean up my apartment today, which it needed. I have such a small damn space but I struggle to keep it clean because when I'm home, I want to be relaxing. But I couldn't look at the mess anymore.
I, of course, spent several hours on the internet today which is where I learned of the school shooting in Connecticut. I can't stand to watch the news and I avoid it whenever possible. So I see updates on Facebook and then the forums I visit regularly. And I read the articles and ... oh lord. Elementary school kids. Kindergartners. My kids are eight and six. They're in that age group! Suddenly, the distance between here and Mexico seemed astronomical. I really wish I could hug my kids right now. Man.
I just don't understand why. I didn't understand why a month ago when our Officer was shot, I didn't understand why my step-cousin's niece died just twelve days after birth. I didn't understand 9/11. I don't understand it. Why. If you want to kill yourself, please just kill yourself. You're going to cause enough grief by killing yourself, so how about not causing additional grief in the process? How about just shoot yourself and not everyone else in a three-mile radius?
I'll admit I've got issues. There are days when I know that I would not still be here if it weren't for those two little boys of mine. I've almost done it a few times. Thankfully, I recognize my triggers now and I know how to stop myself from hitting that downward spiral into depression. But even if I ever contemplated suicide - and I have, trust me - I never even gave a thought to killing anyone else. Just why? Why?
I texted my gentleman friend - a person I care a lot about but do not wish to name here, so I will call him just that, gentleman friend - about how badly I wanted to hug my kids. He doesn't have kids but he is sympathetic. I'm not the first woman he's been with who has kids so he understands. My back has been sore the last few days so I jokingly requested a back rub as a trade for a blowjob yesterday, he said he'd see what he was up to. (I would have given the BJ without the backrub, just as an aside. I'm not the type of woman who considers that a special occasion.)
So he came over today. It was nice to just sit down with him on the couch in front of the TV, making out a little, and just talking. Mostly about my job, which is just retarded some days. But just about stuff. We get along well because we are both nerds. Oh, and he noticed that I have a fanfiction.net tab open and commented on it - much to my surprise, he also reads fanfiction. I appreciate that he's just as nerdy as I am. He plays WoW (rather sporadically, as do I) too, and I think what I like most about him is that he's smart. I appreciate brains over beauty, any day.
To my surprise, we were talking for a while after (ahem, you know), and we both kind of admitted that we suck at relationships. Hmm, where have I heard that lately? Oh, yes, an episode of NCIS where Ziva says that she's glad to have someone in her life as romantically disfunctional as she is. (That is almost a direct quote, so I'd better credit it to NCIS and their amazing writers!) I'm not sure what we are doing. I like him a lot. We text or talk almost every day. I tell him everything. He's rapidly become one of my best and most trusted friends, and that's valuable. I would love to have a relationship with him.
The other day I kind of hinted at it - talking about how you can't have a life, a wife, kids, school, or anything and work where I work. He is familiar with it so he agreed. I said that I would at least like time to date. And that sometimes I get tired of coming home to an empty house.
Okay, so the "sometimes" part was a lie.
I think he knows that I like him and maybe I'd like something more to come of this. But I'm not pressing the issue. It doesn't need to be spoken of at this point. And I'm honestly okay with that.
I think that the rest of my day will be spent smiling, for all the bad in the world, I may as well enjoy the good things I have from time to time.
Meh.
It won't stop me from posting there again, but I'm definitely a little miffed about it.
So today is my day off.I had plenty to do, almost none of which I actually did. I did get paid today (finally, longest two weeks ever). And I was pleased to see that it was more than my projected amount that I put on my budget, so I'm on the right track to getting my shit back together. But I was supposed to go to Amscot today to pay off the cash advance I had to take out, and I was also supposed to call the insurance companies - the old one to cancel, and the new one to start up coverage.
Oh well, there's tomorrow for that.
I did manage to clean up my apartment today, which it needed. I have such a small damn space but I struggle to keep it clean because when I'm home, I want to be relaxing. But I couldn't look at the mess anymore.
I, of course, spent several hours on the internet today which is where I learned of the school shooting in Connecticut. I can't stand to watch the news and I avoid it whenever possible. So I see updates on Facebook and then the forums I visit regularly. And I read the articles and ... oh lord. Elementary school kids. Kindergartners. My kids are eight and six. They're in that age group! Suddenly, the distance between here and Mexico seemed astronomical. I really wish I could hug my kids right now. Man.
I just don't understand why. I didn't understand why a month ago when our Officer was shot, I didn't understand why my step-cousin's niece died just twelve days after birth. I didn't understand 9/11. I don't understand it. Why. If you want to kill yourself, please just kill yourself. You're going to cause enough grief by killing yourself, so how about not causing additional grief in the process? How about just shoot yourself and not everyone else in a three-mile radius?
I'll admit I've got issues. There are days when I know that I would not still be here if it weren't for those two little boys of mine. I've almost done it a few times. Thankfully, I recognize my triggers now and I know how to stop myself from hitting that downward spiral into depression. But even if I ever contemplated suicide - and I have, trust me - I never even gave a thought to killing anyone else. Just why? Why?
I texted my gentleman friend - a person I care a lot about but do not wish to name here, so I will call him just that, gentleman friend - about how badly I wanted to hug my kids. He doesn't have kids but he is sympathetic. I'm not the first woman he's been with who has kids so he understands. My back has been sore the last few days so I jokingly requested a back rub as a trade for a blowjob yesterday, he said he'd see what he was up to. (I would have given the BJ without the backrub, just as an aside. I'm not the type of woman who considers that a special occasion.)
So he came over today. It was nice to just sit down with him on the couch in front of the TV, making out a little, and just talking. Mostly about my job, which is just retarded some days. But just about stuff. We get along well because we are both nerds. Oh, and he noticed that I have a fanfiction.net tab open and commented on it - much to my surprise, he also reads fanfiction. I appreciate that he's just as nerdy as I am. He plays WoW (rather sporadically, as do I) too, and I think what I like most about him is that he's smart. I appreciate brains over beauty, any day.
To my surprise, we were talking for a while after (ahem, you know), and we both kind of admitted that we suck at relationships. Hmm, where have I heard that lately? Oh, yes, an episode of NCIS where Ziva says that she's glad to have someone in her life as romantically disfunctional as she is. (That is almost a direct quote, so I'd better credit it to NCIS and their amazing writers!) I'm not sure what we are doing. I like him a lot. We text or talk almost every day. I tell him everything. He's rapidly become one of my best and most trusted friends, and that's valuable. I would love to have a relationship with him.
The other day I kind of hinted at it - talking about how you can't have a life, a wife, kids, school, or anything and work where I work. He is familiar with it so he agreed. I said that I would at least like time to date. And that sometimes I get tired of coming home to an empty house.
Okay, so the "sometimes" part was a lie.
I think he knows that I like him and maybe I'd like something more to come of this. But I'm not pressing the issue. It doesn't need to be spoken of at this point. And I'm honestly okay with that.
I think that the rest of my day will be spent smiling, for all the bad in the world, I may as well enjoy the good things I have from time to time.