home
Title: Home
Pairing: Yongguk-centric, Yongguk/Himchan
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1200+ words
Summary: When Yongguk was in elementary school, he learned the difference between a house and a home.
A/N: Written for thebrowniebunch lightning drabble round, original post here~ I planned to make this into a longer fic, but it didn't work.
When Yongguk was in elementary school, he learned the difference between a house and a home.
*
A house is a building, the physical place where one lives. Yongguk lived in a small apartment like hundreds of thousands in Incheon, his grandpa's house. He liked it, even if the space was limited and he had to share a room with his twin brother Yongnam and his older sister. His house had a small kitchen, and whenever he had the chance, Yongguk liked to sit by the table and watch his grandma cook, humming an old tune as she chopped vegetables and stirred a stew.
Yongguk wouldn't change much about his house. He only wished they could have a garden, not a balcony, so maybe they could get a dog and he could play with it after school. Sometimes, when his noona would take forever to get ready in the morning, he selfishly wished for another bathroom too. Despite this, he liked his house.
Yongguk learned that home is a synonym for house, but has another meaning. A deeper connotation. Where a house was concrete, a home was abstract. Home is where you feel safe. Home is what you miss when you're away. Home is where happy memories reside. Home is family.
Home is where your heart is.
Growing up, Yongguk held tight onto the meaning of this word, like a child holds onto his favorite toy.
*
Before he moved to Seoul, home was his grandfather. When Yongguk was in kindergarden and his teachers confessed their concerns to his family, talking in hushed whispers over Yongguk's head about how he never spoke ("Is he mute? Is there a chance he could be autistic?"), while everyone else tried to get him to talk, his grandfather never pushed him.
"He will take his own time," he answered the teachers and the curiosers, with a calm smile on his face, never sounding distressed. Yongguk would smile behind his sleeve and hug his leg when they got home. He was grateful to his grandfather, because he never made him feel like the outsider. They didn't own toys, but his grandpa taught him and Yongnam to use their imagination, until their cramped living room became a western movie set, brooms disguised as horses, and their beds became spaceships, exploring a foreign galaxy. His grandfather became his role model.
*
When Yongguk was in junior high and moved to Seoul, he realized he wasn't simply leaving his house, but his home. He clenched his teeth, held the tears and said goodbye. Getting used to a new city, the big capital with its buzzing lights and loud streets, wasn't as easy as he thought, but he managed. He played soccer and aced his school tests. He talked more and made new friends. Stealing his sister's MP3 player to listen to her music, shuffling through American artists he had yet to know, he unknowingly stepped into the threshold of his new home.
Throughout high school, hip hop and rap became the air he breathed. He locked himself in the bathroom, rapping in front of the mirror, practicing his moves and faces. He shaved his head and wore snapbacks. He wore clothes thrice his size and started writing his own lyrics, for starters, posting them online and getting his first positive feedback. He met hyungs who shared his same passion, friends and mentors to be.
His parents disapproved of his new passion. Music was supposed to be a hobby, a distraction from the main road a person his age was destined to walk on. Rank high in school, top university, have a successful career. Yongguk was supposed to become a doctor, or a lawyer. He was supposed to marry a good girl and take care of his old, tired parents. He still wanted to do the latter. Just his own way. They allowed him to pursue his dream, in change of high results in school.
He ranked first.
In his late teen years he started performing gigs underground with his crew, his friends, his mentors. Like being reborn, he experienced the adrenaline of standing on stage holding a mic for the first time, the cardiac rush from the cheers of the crowd, standing beneath him in the pit. He immediately loved it, he craved for it, he grew an inextinguishable hunger.
The stage became his home.
*
The road to becoming an idol wasn't a turn he expected to take. Yongguk was no longer a teenager, rapping of women and booze no longer fulfilled his ambitions. He became more aware of the world around him, of the rottenness and corruption of the system surrounding him and his generation. He had a message to give, and needed a bigger crowd to receive it. He thought, if he could fine a company who allowed him to do his own music without too many idol restrictions, he could follow his own motto, the words he had imprinted on his skin: do what u like and luv what u do. TS Entertainment seemed to offer him the chance to live his dream.
It wasn't easy. It took the proverbial sweat, tears and blood, and a level of commitment Yongguk didn't expect. He had to face his own doubts -he wanted to write and produce music, he didn't want to dance, he didn't know how to dance. He didn't understand why he had to learn such things as aegyo and fanservice-, yet the hardest part was the loneliness. He did make friends with other trainees, and Untouchable hyungs were always by his side, but he was aware that his training would require him to be completely focused on the goal. He knew the people he practiced with for months could be gone after the next survival stage. He learned not to get attached, not until he was one-hundred-percent sure he was going to make it to the end with his group.
His dream came first, relationships later.
Now, looking back on it, it was all worth it. Despite the tiredness slacking his bones, evident in his face and body, despite the countless sleepless nights and weight loss he could still feel the never ending satisfaction of standing on stage, now with five other people who had dreamed of it just as much. He didn't only lead a group. He found a family.
*
When his grandfather died, too short after debut, he remembered a 6-year-old Bang Yongguk, sitting in class, listening in awe as his teacher spoke of home. Yongguk saw that home being demolished right in front of his eyes. For the first time in his life, he felt like giving up. But there was one person, out of everyone, who was willing to become his new place to stay. A person who was willing to pick up the pieces, pieces of Yongguk, pieces of his grandfather, and become his new home. A person who had made its way into Yongguk's life three years ago, offering a handshake and a proud smile with the words "Kim Himchan, I'm in your team. Please take care of me."
Home is where your heart is.
It took a while for Yongguk to notice, but now, eating dinner with the members after the last Live On Earth Encore concert, in a blur of excited chatter and loud laughter, as he reached under the table to hold Himchan's hand, and saw the fond smile that learned to take his breath away, he realized.
B.A.P was home.
But most of all, Himchan was home.
Pairing: Yongguk-centric, Yongguk/Himchan
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1200+ words
Summary: When Yongguk was in elementary school, he learned the difference between a house and a home.
A/N: Written for thebrowniebunch lightning drabble round, original post here~ I planned to make this into a longer fic, but it didn't work.
When Yongguk was in elementary school, he learned the difference between a house and a home.
*
A house is a building, the physical place where one lives. Yongguk lived in a small apartment like hundreds of thousands in Incheon, his grandpa's house. He liked it, even if the space was limited and he had to share a room with his twin brother Yongnam and his older sister. His house had a small kitchen, and whenever he had the chance, Yongguk liked to sit by the table and watch his grandma cook, humming an old tune as she chopped vegetables and stirred a stew.
Yongguk wouldn't change much about his house. He only wished they could have a garden, not a balcony, so maybe they could get a dog and he could play with it after school. Sometimes, when his noona would take forever to get ready in the morning, he selfishly wished for another bathroom too. Despite this, he liked his house.
Yongguk learned that home is a synonym for house, but has another meaning. A deeper connotation. Where a house was concrete, a home was abstract. Home is where you feel safe. Home is what you miss when you're away. Home is where happy memories reside. Home is family.
Home is where your heart is.
Growing up, Yongguk held tight onto the meaning of this word, like a child holds onto his favorite toy.
*
Before he moved to Seoul, home was his grandfather. When Yongguk was in kindergarden and his teachers confessed their concerns to his family, talking in hushed whispers over Yongguk's head about how he never spoke ("Is he mute? Is there a chance he could be autistic?"), while everyone else tried to get him to talk, his grandfather never pushed him.
"He will take his own time," he answered the teachers and the curiosers, with a calm smile on his face, never sounding distressed. Yongguk would smile behind his sleeve and hug his leg when they got home. He was grateful to his grandfather, because he never made him feel like the outsider. They didn't own toys, but his grandpa taught him and Yongnam to use their imagination, until their cramped living room became a western movie set, brooms disguised as horses, and their beds became spaceships, exploring a foreign galaxy. His grandfather became his role model.
*
When Yongguk was in junior high and moved to Seoul, he realized he wasn't simply leaving his house, but his home. He clenched his teeth, held the tears and said goodbye. Getting used to a new city, the big capital with its buzzing lights and loud streets, wasn't as easy as he thought, but he managed. He played soccer and aced his school tests. He talked more and made new friends. Stealing his sister's MP3 player to listen to her music, shuffling through American artists he had yet to know, he unknowingly stepped into the threshold of his new home.
Throughout high school, hip hop and rap became the air he breathed. He locked himself in the bathroom, rapping in front of the mirror, practicing his moves and faces. He shaved his head and wore snapbacks. He wore clothes thrice his size and started writing his own lyrics, for starters, posting them online and getting his first positive feedback. He met hyungs who shared his same passion, friends and mentors to be.
His parents disapproved of his new passion. Music was supposed to be a hobby, a distraction from the main road a person his age was destined to walk on. Rank high in school, top university, have a successful career. Yongguk was supposed to become a doctor, or a lawyer. He was supposed to marry a good girl and take care of his old, tired parents. He still wanted to do the latter. Just his own way. They allowed him to pursue his dream, in change of high results in school.
He ranked first.
In his late teen years he started performing gigs underground with his crew, his friends, his mentors. Like being reborn, he experienced the adrenaline of standing on stage holding a mic for the first time, the cardiac rush from the cheers of the crowd, standing beneath him in the pit. He immediately loved it, he craved for it, he grew an inextinguishable hunger.
The stage became his home.
*
The road to becoming an idol wasn't a turn he expected to take. Yongguk was no longer a teenager, rapping of women and booze no longer fulfilled his ambitions. He became more aware of the world around him, of the rottenness and corruption of the system surrounding him and his generation. He had a message to give, and needed a bigger crowd to receive it. He thought, if he could fine a company who allowed him to do his own music without too many idol restrictions, he could follow his own motto, the words he had imprinted on his skin: do what u like and luv what u do. TS Entertainment seemed to offer him the chance to live his dream.
It wasn't easy. It took the proverbial sweat, tears and blood, and a level of commitment Yongguk didn't expect. He had to face his own doubts -he wanted to write and produce music, he didn't want to dance, he didn't know how to dance. He didn't understand why he had to learn such things as aegyo and fanservice-, yet the hardest part was the loneliness. He did make friends with other trainees, and Untouchable hyungs were always by his side, but he was aware that his training would require him to be completely focused on the goal. He knew the people he practiced with for months could be gone after the next survival stage. He learned not to get attached, not until he was one-hundred-percent sure he was going to make it to the end with his group.
His dream came first, relationships later.
Now, looking back on it, it was all worth it. Despite the tiredness slacking his bones, evident in his face and body, despite the countless sleepless nights and weight loss he could still feel the never ending satisfaction of standing on stage, now with five other people who had dreamed of it just as much. He didn't only lead a group. He found a family.
*
When his grandfather died, too short after debut, he remembered a 6-year-old Bang Yongguk, sitting in class, listening in awe as his teacher spoke of home. Yongguk saw that home being demolished right in front of his eyes. For the first time in his life, he felt like giving up. But there was one person, out of everyone, who was willing to become his new place to stay. A person who was willing to pick up the pieces, pieces of Yongguk, pieces of his grandfather, and become his new home. A person who had made its way into Yongguk's life three years ago, offering a handshake and a proud smile with the words "Kim Himchan, I'm in your team. Please take care of me."
Home is where your heart is.
It took a while for Yongguk to notice, but now, eating dinner with the members after the last Live On Earth Encore concert, in a blur of excited chatter and loud laughter, as he reached under the table to hold Himchan's hand, and saw the fond smile that learned to take his breath away, he realized.
B.A.P was home.
But most of all, Himchan was home.