Redefining myself...?
Well, fangirlism is a great thing. But! Sometimes my emo-side needs to express itself ...so here I am, with a boring & inconclusive blabbing about my boring & inconclusive life xD
I've just come back home after doing my engeenering test, and well. I'm so discouraged. I know the test isn't selective and whatever the outcome is, I can always attend this faculty. But while doing it, I was feeling so frustrated... T_T For most of questions I had *barely* the idea of the resolving method...logic section was driving me crazy, I tried to face mathematics 1 up -but without confidence- and physics exercises were...! Ohoh if I hadn't been so tensed, I would have laughed hard! xD Not to mention mathematics 2...there were integrals & otherunknownthings. I think the only decent part was verbal comprehension...such a great result, I understand texts written in my mother tongue! *_* :sarcasm mode-on:
Now I'm living the uneasiness of some months ago...during which I didn't have any idea of the future I would have chosen, if there was anything waiting only for me, my true and inner vocation. This incapability of mine of understanding my own potentiality was a strong source of anxiety. Then, I came up with something new, unexpected: I thought "well, highschool results have given me great satisfaction. Why don't aim to something coherent with my ambitions?". And I had confidence in my results, knowing this level wasn't enough but genuinely conviced I would had definitely overwhelm this gap, If I had put all myself in this purpose. But I should have foreseen this: great expectations, great defeats. It's a sort of motto for me, because I'm a person who constantly fears her results won't be up to her efforts. And the only way I found in order to blow this anxiety from perfectionism away is to take everything easy...efficient method, but sometimes I have the feeling my emo side wins the other one, which always struggle to let me be the stronger and more optmistic person I'm slowly becoming. During exams I was able to mantain this control...but now. The choice of university ( and of my future life ) is undermining the personality I was laboriously building up...I'm so confused, it's as if past/present/future are all together in a mixed flux, and I can't distinguish anymore the main currents of this flux. Should I be more confident, even if the test outcome is negative? Or this would be a sign of an immature choice, made up of flimsy assurances? Shortly: should I redefine myself or not? I want to clear out these questions that are randomly harassing my mind. As fast as possible. Because this choice is important, but sometimes my attempt to organize and foresee my future like it's a painting of which I'm imagining every little detail...is just...unnatural, I think. I should be more spontaneous and less "cerebral". I should become the person I want to be: honest with herself, but confident in her capabilities; thoughtful, but not in an excessive way; who does everything she can, but with an optmistic rush, without expecting too much. This is the balance I want with my self! ...Well, talking about it has amazingly raised my spirits up! Or I'm just exhausted because of English? xD Tomorrow I'm having medicine test, hope everything'll be alright! ^_^/
Che post menoso T_T Vabbuò! Non vedo l'ora di fruire dei t(r)aumaturgici poteri del fangirlismo! è_é/ Alias: torno a sbavare in modo indegno su Code, in versione "arrapante maglietta-scopri-clavicola" xD E poi forse studiacchio. Sì sì uh uh.