(no subject)
I give up. I GIVE UP. i am still crying and shaking so hard i can barely breath. i am on the verge of vomiting. i give up. i simply give up. ran around town doing last minute whatever and came home and tried to do some stuff in the yard finally getting to take a close look at it. I give up. i cannot have anything nice. i cannot seem to have anything. i give up. everything out there is broken. something either ate the ends of my japanese maple or someone cut on it with scissors. the one i trained to grow low and out. it is a stump. i give up. i give up everything. fuck it. i already cannot afford to go to things like AC and anything Pennsic related anymore really. and because i fucked up and become something somewhat important to the WPAFW i have to go to those other things to beg for prizes for the charity raffle which i keep getting told is the reason people go to the WPAFW. and if i quit anything i fuck everyone. but i do not even have money for those things anymore and my yard is gone. it is just fucking gone. i have been fighting til i am sick and fighting til i cannot move for weeks to try to have SOMETHING when i finally cannot fight anymore and do anything anymore. so i could have a fucking place to sit and enjoy a garden. but that was too fucking much to ask for. and i am done fighting. i will be finishing off what nature fucked over already and getting rid of it all that i can. just fuck it all. i am so tired of fighting. i fucking quit. i quit everything. fuck it all. this will probably be my last year for anything. there is a hole in the fucking wall under the stairs i have been begging for help to fix for four years now. i cannot lift the heavy shit. my body is shit. my brain is following. there is nothing left for me anymore. i quit. i fucking quit. i cannot take this shit anymore and i cannot afford it either. i cannot even find a mother fucking doctor that will take me in this shithole of a town. i cannot afford the vet for my ferret. i cannot get this house clean and i do not have enough spoons for making dinner anymore let alone all the other shit that needs to happen around here. and the fucking boston ferns that took up my basement with me trying to keep them alive are all dead now too. fuck it all. fuck everything. i quit. i cannot even breathe right right now. i feel like my chest is exploding and imploding at the same time. my vision is getting blurry. i feel weak and sick and i just cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i am done. i quit.