The Longing Tender Love
Title: The Longing Tender Love
Entailed: the infinite light ~vast and shining~
Author: akinoyama
Rating: PG-15 or higher [for safe]
Genre: angst?
Pairings: YabuNoo, TakaNoo, YabuHika [main], slight others
Summary: Inoo’s point of view on her love story.
Warning: Un-betaed, terrible English and coherence as well, cross gender, slight or much OOC-ness(???)
A/N: Inoo’s story for ‘The infinite light ~vast and shining~ side story. I think I should ask someone else to write her point of view as I biased on YabuHika… That’s why it was really…really…really… failed
I prepared my breakfast alone today. It had been almost two months I had breakfast all alone by myself. I used to have it together with Takaki Yuuya, my boyfriend. Hmm… what I said just now? My boyfriend? I smiled bitterly to that word. He was my ex boyfriend by now. We had broken up two months ago. Do you want to know? It was really a long story. I never thought the matter could be so complicated like now. It was better if I started it when I was so young.
I joined the audition on September 2001 along with Yabu Kouta. He was older than me and really a cute boy. I never thought he had angelic voice behind his usual look. So, it’s true “don’t judge a book from its cover”. I and he got along although we’re on different group. One year later, we had new family, a Sendai girl named Yaotome Hikaru. She was younger than me. She was a cheerful person even though she was a bit shy at first. Hikaru then was placed in the same group with Yabu after her often performances with Yabu along with the regular TV Show. I saw both of them really get along very well. They had become best friends in truly short times.
During 2003-2004 many people came into the agency. Arioka Daiki, Chinen Yuuri, Nakajima Yuuto, Takaki Yuuya, Yamada Ryousuke, and Morimoto Ryuuna were amongst of the kids who passed the audition. The agency then put me in a group named J.J.Express along with Dai-chan, Takaki, Yuuto, and Ryuu and others. And as the time passed, we experienced the changing members until the time for me to debut. I debuted as Hey! Say! JUMP with Yuuya, Daiki, Chinen, Yuuto and Yuuri who previously debuted as Hey! Say! 7. Besides us, the agency also put Ryuu, Keito, and the nice combi ever, Yabu and Hikaru. It was hard on our first year to find out our style and personality. Could you imagine, we had 10 people on it. It meant we had 10 heads, 10 ideas and usually differ to each other. However, on Yabu and Hikaru’s hands we managed to work as a group. Yabu was our unofficial leader since we decided to not having a leader. And Hikaru was his assistant since both of them had the most experience with it.
My love story began on JUMP’s era. I started paying more attention to my unofficial leader, Yabu Kouta. I knew Yabu and Hikaru were so close, but, it did not obscure both of us to get close to each other. When we were so lonely, we often had chatted on phone until midnight. And that’s made me experienced another feeling to him. I no longer saw him as my best friend only, I looked him as a man, a gentleman who stole my heart. Someone who always I thought about every second. I decided to show my affection towards him bit by bit after I was sure enough I was deeply in love with him. And then, I finally found my courage to confess to him. Although I quite sure he would accept it, I still felt the nervous as the words, “Yabu-kun no koto ga daisuki desu.” slipped out from my mouth. Yabu did not answer right away, I saw he startled hearing my confession. But then he nodded and smiled, making me the happiest girl in the world. Oh.. c’mon… you would understand my feeling if you had known Yabu very well. On the same day I told the news to my friends on JUMP. I wanted to share my happiness to them. They at first only looked at each other unbelieving but then came to their sense and congratulating us. However, Hikaru, back then, immediately excuse herself to leave earlier. I did not think about her strange act since she smiled happily for us.
The next days became the hard ones since Hikaru did not show up herself for practice. Our manager said Hikaru was taking her holiday awhile. All of us were obviously surprised. Hikaru never told us about her plan. Yuuri said something that snapped me, “You don’t have any feeling, leader!” Yuuri shouted at Yabu before stomping off and Ryuu followed her, hardly slamming the door. I stared confusedly to Yabu. Did we do something wrong to Hikaru? Did we hurt Hikaru for our relationship? No… that must not be true. I knew it… Hikaru never said that she had same feeling as me Yabu. What I meant here was we were best friend ever, so we talked about anything. Hikaru was not introvert person, she was amazingly opened. And Hikaru definitely never said “Inoo-chan, I fall in love with Yabu-kun.” That’s why I assumed Hikaru really took a holiday due to refresh her mind from our full schedule lately not because my relationship with Yabu. Even though it was true, she was maybe only surprised since Yabu never told her that he was actually in love with me and I didn’t either.
During Hikaru’s leaving, I clearly saw Yabu was so desperate taking care all of us. He used to be helped by Hikaru, however, Hikaru was not around now. It was the very first time Hikaru left him without saying anything before. In addition, Yuuri and Ryuu blamed Hikaru’s sudden holiday to Yabu. They refused to have a talk with Yabu, only asked Yuuto, Yamada, or Daiki about the schedule. I tried to persuade them for not doing so but it was useless. They were really stubborn after determining something on mind. Hikaru was the only one who could control those young ladies. I did not know what Hikaru actually did or said to them whenever they were being spoiled. The others also tried to cheer Yabu up but it gave no big result. Yabu still felt stressed and desperate. I as his girlfriend only could give him support by smiling, tapping his back and head. Yabu in return gave a small smile for me saying that he would get used to this situation. I ever asked him whether Hikaru was mad with the two of us and would go forever but Yabu convinced me, Hikaru would not do something like that. She would said something if she wanted to disappear forever from all of us. I believed in Yabu’s words. Yabu, after all, was a close friend of Hikaru.
What Yabu said was right in the end. Hikaru came back to us after two weeks. She came with her new look. She cut her long hair and honestly she looked good and so fresh. Yuuri and Ryuu immediately hugged Hikaru tightly after they recovered from their shock seeing ‘new’ Hikaru. Hikaru smiled as usual and hugged them back, saying sorry for leaving in sudden. She enjoyed his holiday too much until forgetting to tell, at least, one of us. As a sign of apologize she brought along gifts for the nine of us from her hometown. I had a talk with her few days later asking whether she was mad because my love relationship with Yabu. Hikaru laughed so hard at me. She said why she should be mad, she was only Yabu’s best friend, nothing more. I was so happy hearing that. It meant I could enjoy my love with Yabu without worrying to hurt Hikaru’s feeling.
I and Yabu had many sweet memories to be remembered. Exciting dates, romantic dinners, sweet poems, beautiful gifts, tender caressing, warm embraces, and passionate kisses. I would never forget the whole times I was in love with him. However, my love for him did not last long. I started getting bored of him. He no longer looked like so wonderful… mysterious… passionate… as when I fell in love with him for the first time. I then placed my eyes on someone else who I thought could give what I really wanted. Yabu realized there was something different on me and asked me. I told him everything and it triggered our fight. Yabu then gave up, he tried to be the one I was looking for, but, for me it was a waste of time. Yabu was not or could ever be someone I was madly wanting back then. Yabu was too kind which made me bored. We then fought and fought everyday until I felt it was enough… so enough… I decided to leave him. It was the best if we had our own way for live on. I did not to hurt him more than this and I also did not want to be hurt. Yabu, of course, desperately refused to let go of me. He came to me everyday begging me not to leave him. But in my eyes, those acts only made me getting sick to him even more. JUMP also asked me what Yabu did not have until I looked for someone else, completely ignoring his pleas. I only told everything to Hikaru. She was the only one who wanted to give all her ears for me. And fortunately… she could understand my feelings. I ever loved Yabu but then the love had gone. I did not want to hurt him by pretending I still loved him, meanwhile, there was someone I loved more than him.
Our break up, gave bad impact to Yabu. He was completely being a different person. There was no caring, kind, responsible Yabu Kouta. There was only a bad-tempered, harsh, playboy, drunken Yabu. He did the things which broke his own principles. We had done anything to stop Yabu’s way of changing but no avail. The more we forbid him, the wilder he was. Johnny-san had given him a warning to resign him from the agency but Yabu seemed not care about it. He kept walking on the way he chose until Hikaru’s incident opened his eyes.
I did not know what really happened on that horrible night since I was busy with college. I only heard from Yuuya and Daiki. They said Yabu tried to rape Hikaru after he drank too much wine. I hardly believed in the story but they insisted they were right. Keito, fortunately, was near on Yabu’s apartment so that he managed to protect Hikaru. When Yuuya and Daiki were telling the story, we got mail from Hikaru asking us to go to the hospital. We afraid something bad happened to Hikaru after the incident so we in rush made our way to hospital. When we arrived, we saw Yabu’s name on the card on the door, we only took a glance to each other, curious with what actually happened. Why it was Yabu who was on the hospital not Hikaru. Yuuya opened the door and we saw Yabu was lying on the bed, he looked terrible. I guessed he had a fight with a group of gangster until he should stay on the hospital. I felt sorry for him. Hikaru was in the ward as well, but she stood far away from Yabu along with Keito. I saw there was a fear on her eyes as he looked at Yabu. I could understand her feeling so I approached her and hugged her. I said sorry for what happened to her and could not be beside her in times of need. She simply smiled saying she understood, besides Yuuri and Ryuu were stand by her side all night long. Not long after our arrival, all of JUMP gathered in the Yabu’s room. Yabu then apologized for his act all that time, for being such a coward, trying running away from everything. He promised he would change with one condition, he wanted all of us to help him. We smiled happily to him. It was the most waited moment for us.
Ah… by the way I had not mentioned what kind of man who made me left Yabu. I actually only experienced what you called by a momentary love. Our relationship only last for 2 months… Hahahahaha… However, our break-up did not make me want to come back to Yabu. As I stated before, I had no love for him anymore except for a friend. Besides, the others also warned me not to come back to him since the great change of him started. Let’s back to the Yabu’s story awhile. His counseling was not an easy task. He often lost his self-control until made people scared to get near to him. The only one who could make him a bit calmer was none other than… No… it was not me… It was Hikaru. I, up till now, often questioned myself, why could I not make him calmer? Why was I so afraid of him back then? And I still had no answers. I just guessed, maybe I was afraid he would think I gave him a chance for coming back to me, I maybe only made him sadder when he saw me. Besides, I and Yuuya were in love during that time. Speaking of Yuuya I must tell about why I fell in love with my ex lover’s best friend. I never saw him as my lover since I knew him for the first time until Yabu’s alter ego came out. Without even realizing, his presence in sudden was always by my side whenever I needed someone to talk. I could count on Hikaru no more since Yabu made her hand such so full. The intensity of the two of us talked to each other succeeded planting the seed of love in my heart. The funny thing was we confessed to each other at the same time without any plan. We coincidently passed to each other as we practiced our confessing lines. We laughed at it but then decided to take it seriously. We became a perfect couple and he was the only one who had the longest relationship with me. Yabu and I only spent less than a year. We were so happy back then and often oblivious to our surrounding. Hikaru always reprimanded us when she thought we showed too much affection to each other, mainly in front of Yabu. Hikaru said Yabu could still not get rid of his feeling for me. She asked us to think about Yabu’s feeling as well. The mood maker of JUMP did not mind with our relationship, she only considered everyone’s feeling. She thought there were some moments that only for the two of us should know… not everyone in the world. And as always, Hikaru was someone hard to be argued.
Yuuya was so kind and tender, although, he could not beat Yabu who always spoiled me. He never gave anything I wanted so easily. I did not mean he would not do anything for me. He would give it to me at the time I never expected, the time I almost forgot about it. I liked every surprise he gave to me. At that point, he beat Yabu. Maybe, that’s the reason why we could be together for a long time. Yuuya gave me a lesson for not always being like a little kid who would cry whenever I could not get anything I wanted. He taught me there were things we could not have since they belonged to others.
Yabu eventually came back to his old self perfectly. We were so glad seeing him again. We then caught up our miss from the younger group since Yabu’s counseling and treatment. We were doing fine for the next few years until we got another test. Hikaru was one of the earthquake victims. She tried to save Yabu from the falling rocks but in the end she was the one replaced Yabu’s place. I was so fine since Takaki never let go of my hand and so did Yuuri and Ryuu. Yuuto and Yamada managed to protect them even though they were also injured. We waited Hikaru’s surgery until it was done. I could saw the worry and the hope on the people who waited on the hospital mainly on Yabu. He kept standing near the surgery room with Hikaru’s father. I thought Yabu felt guilty, if it was not because of him, Hikaru would still be fine. Yabu blamed himself for failing protect Hikaru. I could feel the way Yabu’s look at me slowly but sure changed. He never looked at me with a sad expression anymore. He simply gave me a usual friend feeling whenever he looked at me. However, the way he looked at Hikaru changed as well although I barely noticed it until I looked Yabu held the badly injured Hikaru. The look he never showed up before, even in front of me. The fear of losing someone important for you. I had no jealousy on my heart seeing Yabu like that, instead, I hoped Yabu and Hikaru could be together like Yuuya and me.
Fortunately, Hikaru could be saved, she only was unconscious due to the trauma she had. Yabu insisted to stay on hospital until Hikaru really opened her eyes again. He said he was the one who responsible for making Hikaru lying on the bed, unmoving. We tried to persuade him to taking a rest awhile before, but he refused it. He would wait, wait, and wait. His stubbornness gave us up. We let him did what he wanted, but, we also came visiting him to remind him to get something to eat and sleep. What if he also got sick meanwhile Hikaru had not opened her eyes yet? Yabu might be lost his chance to meet Hikaru on that condition. That reason succeeded to persuade Yabu to eat and sleep even if only a bit. Hikaru then opened her eyes after ten days. We immediately went to the hospital, however, the doctors asked us to see her one by one or two for the most. Yuuya and I saw a weak Hikaru who was lying on the bed, however, she kept smiling for us. She promised she would get out from the hospital soon. We did not talk much since we knew we had to take turns and Hikaru still need much rest.
Not long after Hikaru came back to work, Yabu and Hikaru proclaimed their love to JUMP. None of us were surprised hearing that news. We knew something like that would happen sooner or later. We witnessed they got closer day by day since Yabu’s counseling. With that JUMP’s girls had found their own princes. The rest princes were Daiki and Keito. They had no any girlfriends back then. However, one month later, Keito said he was not single any longer. He found his princess as well. And Dai-chan seemed not bother for not having girlfriend. He said he did not need one for the time being.
Year by year went on, I started to doubt my love for Yuuya. I did not know what triggered it. I felt the same thing again after few years. I was bored. When I had an alone walk I saw Yabu and Hikaru were walking together holding hands. Somehow I hid myself from them for no reason. Both of them then sat on the bench side by side smiling to each other in loving way. An old couple came not long after them. I did not know what they were talking about, from what I saw Yabu and Hikaru left the bench let the very old couple to sit down enjoying their times. They approached the spot I was hiding, but, it was my luck, they did not notice me, so I heard their little conversation a bit.
“What are you thinking, Hika-chan?”
“Nothing… Just wondering…”
“About?”
“Those ojii-san and obaa-san…”
“What’s up with them?”
“I’m wondering whether when I’ve married and got as old as them, I will have a nice walking with him just like them. Just like that old couple, still being together since their marriage until this time.”
As always Hikaru was really easy to be touched by a simple thing. I saw Yabu smiled when he heard Hikaru’s mind then he stopped his track awhile, pulling Hikaru until they were face to face.
“You will, Hikaru… We will… Both of us… You and me…”
I gasped hearing Yabu’s replied. He lightly said those thing even he and Hikaru only in their second year. Me, on the opposite side, never heard such thing from Yuuya’s mouth ever once, although we had been together for more than five years. I walked home slowly that day while thinking about Yabu and Hikaru as well as Yuuya and me. I questioned why Yabu and Hikaru was so easy talk about something that seemed still so far away from them? All of us even were not thirty yet. Did they not want to reach all their dreams before? I thought about it over and over but no answer I could get.
Since that day, I paid more attention to them. I was still curious with them. I watched how they interact to each other, but there was nothing so special from them. All their movements were same as any other couple in this world. However, I, then, realized something. Yabu and Hikaru never showed their love physically like kissing on the lips or a slight sensual touch in public. As far as I watched them, Yabu only gave Hikaru a loving kiss on her forehead and Hikaru pecked Yabu’s cheeks when they were with JUMP. Although I ever secretly spied their dates, I only once found Yabu pecked Hikaru’s lips. I wondered how Yabu could stand with that thing. I refreshed my old memories when I was with him. Yabu was really a passionate boy. He never missed a single day without tasting my soft lips and a week without caressing me was an endless nightmare for him. We never cared about wherever or whenever we were when we felt the urge to show the burning passion for each other. And then, as Yabu finally found another person to love after our break-up, did he really change? Did our break-up change him or was it because of Hikaru? Was Hikaru really able to change the passionate Yabu to the tender one?
I deeply considered everything and then… I finally realized I was jealous with Yabu and Hikaru’s love for each other. Their love seemed so pure and unconditional unlike Yuuya and me or Yabu and me. My love and Yabu’s looked like more physically attracted meanwhile with Yuuya was more like a wanting to stay by each other…. The jealousy grew bigger and bigger every time I saw the way Yabu looked at Hikaru, the tenderness he gave as he stroked Hikaru’s hair lovingly and the lonely expression when he could not meet Hikaru. The negative feeling then slapped me with the truth I never expected. Day by day only realizing me, I feel in love with Yabu all over again. I tried to resist the feeling not only because I still loved Yuuya but also Yabu said he had proposed Hikaru. However, the happiness on Hikaru’s face did nothing but making me cried all the night. Yuuya, on the other hand, realized there was something wrong with me. He never gave up on forcing me to tell everything. I surrendered, I told him everything and you could guess what happened next. Yuuya was so angry and did not want to talk to me for two weeks. After Yuuya had calmed down, we decided to take a break awhile, trying to protect the love we still had.
Our break actually did not give any significant change on my heart. I no longer felt a miss for Yuuya, instead I missed Yabu badly, hoping he was here stand by my side forever. I knew my wish could break Yuuya and Hikaru’s heart, but… but… it was so hard to fight the loneliness without Yabu next to me. I realized I was a mean person for loving my best friend’s fiancé; I was not a devoted lover for Yuuya… I knew it… I knew it for sure… I had tried my best to let Yabu and Hikaru together… but it only killed me slowly but sure. But then, I accidentally eavesdropping Yuuya and Daiki’s talk when I was going to our dressing room. I honestly did not want to hear but when Daiki asked about the continuation of Yuuya’s relationship with me, I stopped my feet. I wanted to know how Yuuya’s feeling whether he still loving me or not. The answer broke my heart. Yuuya recently also doubt his love for me as well. He apparently told Daiki everything since he asked about Yabu and Hikaru. I peeked to have a better look. Yuuya suggested not telling Yabu and Hikaru about this now, he did not want to ruin their happiness when they found out the truth. He wanted to keep Hikaru’s feeling since it was so hard for him to imagine when Hikaru knew I fell in love with her fiancé. It would hurt her deeply… very deeply…
“I don’t want to look Hikaru’s getting hurt, Daiki…” I saw how sad Yuuya when he said that. Daiki simply pulled Yuuya closer to him and let him leaned on his shoulder.
“I understand Takaki… I do understand how your feeling to Hikaru is…” I shocked hearing Daiki’s words. “You like her very much, don’t you?”
“You’re right, I like her. She’s important person for me.” I felt warm water fell down on my cheeks when I heard Yuuya’s answer. I right away left my hiding spot trying to find a place to calm down. I never knew he had a feeling for Hikaru. He even never showed any special attention to her since Yabu would get angry to him whenever Yuuya or Keito, in Yabu’s opinion, tried to get closer to Hikaru.
Two days later, Yuuya sent me a mail saying he wanted to meet and talk with me. I could guess what he would say. It was definitely a separation and my guess was right. He was ready to let me go. He even admitted that he also started to love someone else now but he did not say a name. I could not force myself to keep asking who it is, I already knew it, didn’t I? I really appreciate his honesty and decision, however, what made me pissed off was his advice to forgetting Yabu. I understood he might be right, but I did not like got an advice from someone who same as me, loving their best friend’s lover. How could he say that advice to me since he also felt the same thing? Would Yuuya manage to see someone he loved married with someone else? Although I really wanted to know his answers, I could not ask. I did not want to argue with him anymore, it was a miracle he could understand and let me go. I did not want to meddle in his business since he also promised not to meddle in my business either.
That was the last time I met Yuuya privately. We had our own way since back then. After that I always tried to confess my feelings to Yabu whenever I had a chance, but it never went smoothly. Whenever the confession was on my tip of tongue, Hikaru’s face came to my mind erasing the courage I mustered before. And now… I was on the edge of everything… I could no longer bear the pain of this love… I had to confess in any other way, no matter what.
Indonesia, 2010 around February