04.05.07
I got kind of freaked out the other day.... or mainly, today... i was talking to my mom
and I just asked her, how my dad and her have made it for so long? how did she truly know he was the one?
and she knew I was just freaking out about everything I have been through.
and so she calmed me down and pretty much told me this:
You will love many people in life, in fact, you have. But looking back, look at yourself now.
You have a wonderful life with a loving family, friends, a new car, and a wonderful boyfriend who treats you good.
Yes, you have loved others in the past, but we''re you really 'In' Love with them?
it'd be like your sister going back to Doc(her ex), she would never do that because she would never want to jeopardize her relationship with jimmy because they are so in love, and one day, we all hope that they will get married.
Yes you have loved others, but think about it, did they really treat you the way you wanted to be treated?
And then I started to think,
yes I loved Jeremy. But I wasn't in love with him and I knew I couldn't be the girl he needed. He deserved better and I couldn't see past alot of things. But he was always faithful, loyal, and a great friend. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend during high school. But the feelings just didn't stay.
I cared about Julien, more than anyone could ever know. In fact, i truly think if he were still here today, and if things would have taken a different turn, I would probably still be with him. He always made me laugh and not to mention, he was so intelligent, witty, and an amazing gentleman. He would seriously do anything for his friends, and he was just a great guy....
after that I met Kenny, and yes I cared about kenny, but we just really had a fucked up relationship. and to be honest, i dont think either of us were happy for too long.. i remember i used to get really depressed and even went back to taking pills or cutting.. yeah fuck that.. never again.. there are times where i think about it, and i really just wish i could have felt safe to open up, i really wish i had treated him better, because maybe if i didn't act so fucked up towards him, we would finally be going strong. and maybe i could have been the girl he deserves. But both him and jeremy have the girls they deserve, and I am so amazingly happy for them. Things happen for a reason. And that's when I realized, life took a turn for the better, somewhat...
I've been going through ALOT of stages lately.. as many of you know, it's almost Juliens one year.. its hard to think where I could be right now and what I could be going through... but still things happened for a reason.
When I was talking to my mother, she could just see that something was wrong.. when I get depressed it's because I just think way too much about things... i worry.. i fret... i just get pariniod.
With the relationship I'm in now... I started thinking...
Wow, this is it. I'm fucking scared out of my mind, but this is it. He's the one. I know it. He can go home for two weeks and I have absolutely no problem trusting him. I just KNOW he would never cheat on me, I know he loves me, but does he take advantage of me? Eh, sometimes I just really miss being in the fabricated stupid relationship of buying things for each other and just wasting money. But then i realized, he shows his love by missing out on what he loves most in life.. skateboarding. He leaves his friends to come hang out with me,.. which is cool every now and then, and sometimes even better because my friends kind of adopt him. but i guess what i'm saying is, a girl misses having flowers or being taken out to dinner every now and then. And misses the spontanuity of a romantic.But I know hes trying to save up and move out and buy me a puppy... But then again, when he brings me a single red rose it makes it that much more precious. Or when he wakes up 7 in the morning and comes and falls asleep with me, it makes waking up that much more amazing.. and the best way to start the day... so baby, I'm sorry for doubting us, but all in all, at times, i will have my doubts.. and then I just remember those million of wonderful days we have together. and yeah, we have a lot of rough times, but those couple of good are worth every second of it.
thank you darling, for reminding me of what you told me the second day we were together.
"we're going to fight, and we're going to have our rough times, but just know, that through it all, and at the end of the day, I will always love you."
can't wait to see you tomorrow baby. Come home safe from AZ! time away from each other blows.. it sucks only seeing you like three days a week. but youre worth it. and to be honest, i've learned that having time apart in a relationship, makes it that much better, cause i miss you that much more with each passing day.