Yomenai Kotoba 03/?? - AoiXRuki

[akichuu]

Title: Yomenai Kotoba
Chapter: 03/??

Author: chuu ( akichuu)
Fandom: JRock, Gazette
Pairings: AoiXRuki. Mentions of ReitaXKai, UruhaXRuki
Overall Rating: NC-17
Genre: Lemon, so I'd say... Smut. Kind of. 
Warnings: ManXMan sex scenes, language--just sometimes.
Summary: Ruki once stated that the loneliest time he felt was when he woke up alone in his bed at home. It was almost the same feeling, only... The loss and the weariness were more eerie now...
Comments: Aw God... I feel soooo tired at the moment, been caught up in a whole lot of deadlines. Research, report... I'm so freaking sick of them. I'm trying to keep up with writing too, since this is the one and only thing keeping me sane through out all this, but I hope my head doesn't get too chaotic and mess up my stories. 
Well yeah... Here it goes, chapter 3, bits of fluff here and there, just to let you know...

- 03 -

It was a weird feeling when he finally breathed in only sensing the morning scent, there was nothing of that already familiar scent; the scent that was usually there welcoming him to the world whenever he woke up. It was unavoidably weird... The sunlight through the already unveiled window pierced through his eyelids, waking him up to almost complete soberness. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes, then his whole face and finally, yawning. He stretched his whole body against the comfortable, warm sheet, and his hand touched... Nothing. As if he had just been slapped on the head, Ruki turned swiftly to the side, his eyes finding the same emptiness that his hand had previously discovered. No one was there, just an abandoned pillow and crumpled sheets, the marks of a presence that had been there last night… These were the marks of the small dispute that ended up in silent drowsiness and no sex.

Ruki sighed, involuntarily. He pushed against the bed's surface, sitting up.

Oh, it felt even funnier and more uncomfortable now that he had actually gotten enough sleep; no making-love-all-night-long that they almost constantly have been doing lately. He looked down at his own body and felt even weirder upon finding that he was fully dressed--well, with his night-wear, that is--in a worn t-shirt and boxers. There were no traces of that tingly, dream-like sensation still left in him, the kind of sensation that he got every time he woke up right next to... Aoi. No, Aoi wasn’t here. He was absent when Ruki tried finding him there on the sheet, right next to him. It was more than just a funny, weird feeling, it was... Depressing.

Ruki once stated that the loneliest time he felt was when he woke up alone in his bed at home. It was almost the same feeling, only... The loss and the weariness were more eerie now, stabbing the inside of him like tiny needles. It hurt.

He hadn’t wanted it to happen, the argument; it suddenly came up when they were discussing Uruha’s new song. He regretfully remembered the point where he had raised his voice to match Aoi's just before they had gone to bed. Why did he bring it up in the first place? Why did he have to start babbling about 'the things that Uruha wrote about his new song were just sad' in front of Aoi? He shouldn't have, he really shouldn't have. Aoi hadn’t been in a good mood ever since they had came home from the studio yesterday, hadn't been talking much, and being his lover, Ruki should've understood how Aoi felt. He should’ve understood what Aoi needed, and that certainly wasn’t to start talking about Uruha and his new song.

Aoi... Aoi and his possessive ways... Ruki hugged his legs, knees propping up his chin, and feeling so bad all of a sudden, now that the whole thing returned to him along with the harsh things that he said to his Aoi last night. Even if he couldn't handle Aoi's jealousy sometimes, even if it was too much for him, Ruki should've known better than to rub the bitterness he was feeling in Aoi's face. He was Aoi, after all; Aoi and his temper, Aoi and his spontaneity. There was nothing that was going to change in Aoi, and he knew that. Ruki didn't want him to change, like how everybody else around him was changing. He loved his Aoi even with all his faults, the Aoi that was his guardian angel, the one who protected him through anything and the one who went mad every time someone else dared lay even one finger on Ruki. It was that kind of Aoi that Ruki admired and didn't want to hurt, but last night... Ruki bit his lower lip as tears threatened to spill over, sending a searing heat through his eyes.

He sniffed a bit, softly against his knees, sobbing a little, shamefully trying to keep it to himself. God… It had been a while since he'd cried. He didn't want to feel those terrible feelings he had, wanted to just wash them down the drain and watch them get flushed out of his life... But why did it feel as though it was all coming back to him? Every shred of guilt that he had tried getting rid of, the guilt over Uruha, over Aoi, over everybody...

No matter how hard he tried, nothing seemed to follow the course he wanted. Everyone was slipping away. Those bright, warm and comfy older days, filled with the laughter of the five of them... They seemed so far away now. Ruki was reaching out his hands to grab them back, but no matter how high or how far he reached, he still had to watch everything fly away with a speed he couldn't match. That sucked.

Ah, but there was one thing he knew he could reach with his frail hands now, at this moment, one thing that he'd chase with everything that he had if that's what it would take to get him back into Ruki's hold again. Swiftly, he untangled himself from the pathetic position he was in, roughly wiping the tears on his cheeks and in his eyes, only to dash from the bedroom, leaving the bed sheet crumpled and unkempt behind him.

---

Ruki walked carefully as he entered the living room, to the place where the melodies were coming from. The soft and tender picking of the acoustic guitar was nothing that Ruki could recognize, maybe just some random song dreamt out of nowhere. And there, sitting on the chair right in front of the window, the black-haired man sat with his ebony guitar, his back facing Ruki, seemingly unaware of Ruki who was approaching him.

It was completely spontaneous, like how his life had been lately, like how he had been made to live lately by this man whom he obeyed along the way; just because it was fun and almost addictive. Quietly, Ruki reached out, putting his hands on the man's shoulders, sliding them further south to his bare chest and slowly pulling himself closer, to press against the back of the chair, holding Aoi from the back. Ruki dipped his face into Aoi's shoulder, preying on the scent that he missed when he woke up alone in bed, kissing the bare skin there, gripping Aoi the way he wanted to when he opened his eyes this morning and discovered his lover wasn't there. "Aoi..." Ruki whispered carefully, doubtfully. Was Aoi still angry? Ruki could get a very unpleasant surprise if he wasn’t prudent... Aoi might yell at him... "Aoi, are you angry at me?"

Aoi didn't answer right away; he had stopped playing the guitar from the second Ruki laid his hands on him. Oh God... He must be angry. "Aoi, Aoi I'm sorry..." Ruki softly kissed the part of Aoi’s neck that was the closest to his lips. "Aoi..." His heart ached. Aoi still kept his silence. "Aoi, please talk to me," Ruki begged, unconscious to the fact that his voice had started trembling. "I--I didn't mean... Whatever I said last night, I..." Was there any point in explaining? He was just being ignorant last night; there was really nothing else to say. "I'm so sorry… Please, please just talk to me... Aoi..." He drowned his face in Aoi's shoulder, slowly becoming more and more pessimistic towards his situation, fearing that Aoi would not even forgive him now, today, this week. Remembering how stupid he was, he felt might even deserve it...

Within the darkness of his eyelids, Ruki could hear something rustling. Aoi moved a bit and Ruki opened his eyes to find that Aoi was moving his guitar from his lap to the floor, leaning it carefully against the wall by his side. "Come here, Baby." It took Ruki a few seconds to realize that Aoi was looking at him, gazing at him with his gentle pair of eyes.

Aoi gestured with his hand, patting his own lap. Ruki understood and was compelled, without a single word, without a single complaint (because there was really nothing to complain about) to sit on Aoi's lap, his legs dangling on both of Aoi's sides, his hands on Aoi's shoulders and his body pressed as close as possible to Aoi’s. "Aoi..." He knew he sounded just like a little baby begging his parent not to leave him, but... Maybe that was okay for now. Maybe he was just that desperate for Aoi not to abandon him. No, not maybe, he was. He was that afraid of not having Aoi by his side and just when he was looking into those familiar eyes for mercy, Aoi relieved him from all of his worries, as his perfectly full lips descended on Ruki's.

Immediately, Ruki knew he was forgiven.

His heart fluttered warmly, all his doubts melting and flowing away, as Aoi slid his ever-soft lips against Ruki’s, slowly, gently. Ruki shut his eyes partially in an effort to hold back the sudden warmth threatening to burst from him, although it wouldn’t really be much of a shame to be revealing this weak side he had, this clingy Ruki that nobody had ever known, nobody but Aoi.

"Baby, my Baby Ruki..." Aoi whispered after the long and breathless kiss, so very softly, like nothing Ruki had ever heard before from anybody in his life. The voice enticed his senses, flowing through his spine. His lips hovering close to Ruki's without kissing him, Aoi smiled. "You're my sweet baby, Ruki, I could never be angry at you. Haven't you figured that out yet?" he murmured. "I melt just seeing you sleeping, you and that pretty face of yours."

"I..." Ruki breathed, feeling his heart beating quicker just because of the words that Aoi had poured on him. "I just... Panicked... I didn't find you there when I woke up, after what happened last night, I thought..." His words vanished into thin air as Aoi kissed him, briefly this time. "I'm sorry," Aoi whispered. "I suddenly needed some time to think when I woke up this morning."

"Think about what?" Ruki pulled back a bit, gazing into those loving eyes, "About what I said last night?"

"No," Aoi shook his head. "Well... Partially. Well, okay, I did think about everything that you said last night."

Ruki averted his gaze, dropping his body onto Aoi's, forming a full embrace with his arms around Aoi's neck. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to say anything bad to you," Ruki mumbled. No. He hadn’t meant any of those words. He could never mean any of them... How he had said Aoi was selfish, how he shouted that Aoi was dumb for not seeing what he really wanted; for the band to stick together, to be good friends again, just like they ought to be, like they used to be... But Aoi just couldn't see that, no matter how simple it was. He screamed every insult at the top of his lungs without thinking much about how he might've hurt Aoi.

Aoi was in the same difficult situation as Ruki, if not even more complicated, since it was practically him who started the whole chaos. He should've understood how Aoi felt. How Aoi was looking for the same crevice to fit in.

Well... Look who's the dumb ass now...

"I know, it's okay," Aoi ruffled Ruki's already-messy morning hair with his hand. "Even if you did mean them, it's okay. I guess I was that stupid..."

"No, Aoi, no..." Ruki snuggled closer, tighter. "You're nothing that I said you were. You're not stupid." If there was anybody stupid in the room, it was Ruki himself. "I was just too upset. I didn't mean a single thing I said."

Aoi hummed softly against Ruki's shoulder. "Everything you said made sense, actually. About me being ignorant and selfish," he sighed, "I guess I am. Now that I've thought of it, I am ignorant. All you wanted was for the band, for the five of us, to be... How we used to be..." Ruki felt the hand that was on his head graze him gently. "I want the same thing too, I really do. I just don't know how we're ever going to get there without going through this awkwardness."

So Aoi felt it too, that weird, uncomfortable aura hanging above the five of them whenever they assembled. It was even more disturbing now that they had their necks on the line, with the manager and everyone from the company pressuring them to hurry the hell up and get the new single done. To make matters worse, Ruki hadn't even written a single goddamn line to Uruha's lyrics... He bit his lip bitterly at that thought. He couldn't get his mind off of what Uruha had written, couldn't stop thinking that it was all about him and the things that he had done to Uruha... And that made him nervous as to how he should write, how he should even start. Trying to evict those thoughts from his head, Ruki nestled his face into the crook of Aoi's neck, breathing in Aoi's scent. Ah... Always so sensual... The scent slowly intoxicated his nerves, killing all of the bad thoughts inside of his brain, one by one.

"Just..." Ruki whispered, lips unconsciously starting to trace Aoi's soft skin. "Stay with me. I know we can get through this." He kissed gently under Aoi's earlobe. "All of us. We'll manage." He didn't know how he could make himself sound so convincing when he himself barely felt a shred of confidence, but Ruki said it almost like a prayer. He was praying that they would go through this, safe and sound, and in the end, he'd be seeing what he wanted to see for real, the band, the circle of friends, back together. It seemed so far away now, like it was a dream of some sort...

Aoi's pulse was beating under his lips and Ruki could sense the blood flowing against his tongue. He licked there, taking Aoi's taste into his senses. He could feel how Aoi shivered. "I only need you beside me," Ruki sighed, "I'll be alright if I'm with you, whatever happens." A kiss on Aoi's ear, "We've been through some kind of hell." For sure, it had been hell. "We can go through another." Was that something he believed? No. It was something he wanted, even if hell wasn't the best choice... Sure, he'd rather live his life without obstacles, but even the dumbest person knew that that was impossible. Life was all about obstacles. There was one dark fear haunting him; that for this request he was making he would have to sacrifice something, something that he loved above all else... But Ruki shoved it away. Far, far away.

He would not let anything take Aoi away from him. Not even his own stupidity.

"Baby..."

Ruki lifted his face from Aoi's neck, the attack of the funnily fresh air seeping too suddenly into his nose. He peered up to find Aoi gazing at him... Ah, those eyes that had melted him the first time Aoi gazed him the same way, the first time he saw those feelings blazing inside those deep, black orbs. Aoi could speak with his gaze, and it was telling Ruki the same thing that Ruki wanted to express to Aoi right now. He didn't hesitate any longer. No more. No more hesitating. Ruki had gone through too much hesitation, too much holding back, when it was as simple as this... To be able to touch and caress the one he loved. It should not be so difficult, should it? As he trailed his fingers carefully along Aoi's cheek, feeling the warmth against his fingertips, gazing upon those wanting lips, molding his own lips with them... It was all so simple, so reasonable and so right. All hesitation was meaningless.

"Baby, I love you..." Aoi... Aoi and his beautiful ways of pleasing Ruki… Why couldn’t he have found this blessed world sooner? Ruki slid his lips eagerly against those loving lips. There was his good morning kiss that he usually got, right after he had opened his eyes. There was his good night kiss that he usually got, right before he closed his eyes. There was... His life. "I love you too..." Ruki whispered breathlessly between kisses. "Aoi, I love you too, so much..." And as he slipped his tongue into Aoi's mouth, no more sentences needed to be said.
===

Aaand~ thanks my beta,
duo_simulacra  again. Awesome job...

All that there is...