Kiss Me, Kill Me, Leave Me | 1/1 | AoixUruha
Title: Kiss Me, Kill Me, Leave Me
Chapter: 1/1 (oneshot)
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixUruha
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Yaoi, kissing
Disclaimer: the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock (Thank you, dear! I'm such a big-fail in commas, huh...)
Summary: Some would call it persistence, but Uruha had a more fitting term to name it. It's obsession, plain and stupid obsession. And it wasn’t something Aoi could get rid of without any difficulty.
Comment: Well, finally, I'm writing AxU again although it unexpectedly turned out into an angst *laughs* The idea for this one emerged abruptly after knowing Aoi and Uruha would be featured in the new Neo Genesis edition although, embarrassingly, I was completely misinformed. I thought Uruha was going to show his thighs in that magazine, but as we all can see for ourselves now that the magazine is out, he didn't. But do me a favor and let's just believe it for a moment that he did, okay? For the story's sake XD
So uh... Yeah. Here you go. And as always, I'll be waiting for your comments :)
Kiss Me, Kill Me, Leave Me
A puff of smoke, white and cotton-like slipped between Aoi’s lips and ascended to the air. The view along with the smell of tobacco gave him an odd sense of calmness. This was most likely why he always kept a full pack of cigarettes in his bag just in case he ran out of the ones he stashed in his pocket. He always needed to go back to that false sanctuary where he could feel at ease, even if the situation didn’t really let him to.
Well, at least here in this small personal space he had created, he could enjoy some moment of peace. For the next ten minutes or so he supposed he was allowed this temporary luxury, or until one of the staff told him to go back to the set and pose again in front of the camera.
At least here, in the small window side corner, he didn’t have to stare at Uruha.
That sounded a bit like he couldn’t help himself-fact is, he honestly couldn’t. Today it seemed like Uruha’s presence glowed all over the place, that Aoi just didn’t have a choice but to stare at him. Maybe the new costume made that possible; the thighs hadn’t made their appearance for a while already now and when they finally did, it was almost as if Uruha was showing them off for the first time again. If there was such a thing as stopping time with the power of just one look, Uruha had just done it the moment he walked out of the changing room. Everybody had suffered the consequence of that blasting new look and Aoi was even certain the makeup girl was still gossiping around about how she finally saw Uruha’s ‘Almighty Thighs’ in real life.
Or maybe it was the makeup… All the eye-shadow they had put on Uruha’s eyes made him look extravagant-well, even more so than usual.
He huffed. Another puff of white smoke curled before him and soared away with the gentle breeze of wind. Whatever the cause was, Aoi decided it would be safer if he stayed as far as it was possible-without being overly conspicuous about it, of course-from Uruha. This spot seemed good enough… for the moment.
He was helpless. This was a fact that even he was embarrassed of. It didn’t take him a whole minute to figure that much. The instant he saw what Uruha was going to wear for this photoshoot, he regretted ever agreeing to be featured together with his fellow guitarist in the soon to be released magazine. He knew what was going to happen, hours and hours of having to take a fierce control of himself. And now, as expected it turned out to be a very tiresome thing to do.
It was as if he was back to two years ago when it had been awfully hard just to be around Uruha. The others thought there was some sort of professional rivalry between them but it was something else entirely. This was something that none of their friends should ever know, something that Aoi had struggled to cover up at every chance he got. He had screwed his moment in an interview session and nearly blew up his own disguise by talking way too much about Uruha, putting the spotlight upon himself and the little secret he’d been trying to keep from getting known. It was a spur in the moment and he had spent a lot of time trying to fix that mistake.
Today it shouldn’t happen again. He had to keep himself in check if only to save himself from suffering another embarrassment.
“Ah, Aoi-san, there you are. It’s your turn now, and then after that we will take the duet scenes.”
A smile automatically bloomed on Aoi’s face. He nodded to respond to the staff’s instructions. Stubbing his cigarette against the bottom of the ashtray, he stood up, straightened his jacket and walked into the setting where everybody-including Uruha-was waiting for him.
===
It was finally over but Aoi wasn’t feeling any better. He knew he wasn’t safe yet and still had to play this stupid little game of hide and seek until he was inside his apartment with the door locked and barred. It was not to stop people from going in, but rather to keep himself from walking outside and doing something stupid. Walking into the changing room he made up plans in his head. Starting from a long, calming hot bath to an early night sleep to relieve the stress that had stacked up in his head today.
All his plans went straight to hell though, the very second he sat himself down in front of the mirror.
“What is with you today, Aoi?”
The voice was sharp, as sharp as a dagger that went through Aoi’s chest and even back again, piercing two large holes through his heart. He looked away from the reflection of his own face to the man who had just entered the room, the one and only, Uruha.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh don’t give me that look,” Uruha scoffed, taking his jacket off in one go. He stood at one side of the room, near the door that was closed. Aoi wasn’t sure he liked the expression he saw on Uruha’s face. “You’ve been ignoring me all fucking day long!” Uruha said.
Oh great, Aoi thought, just when he was so confident that he’d been discreet enough.
“You’re getting it wrong, Uruha,” Aoi sighed. What could he possibly say that wouldn’t sound suspicious enough? “I was just not in the mood to-”
“Well you look like you were in the mood to chat away with Sakai!” Uruha cut him off. “What, you didn’t think I’d connect with the stupid topics you might want to talk about, is that it?”
“No-”
“Just save it, Aoi.” Uruha shook his head, walking towards the table, rummaging through the mess until he finally grabbed something, a t-shirt. His eyes weren’t looking at Aoi when he spoke again. “You’re just going to give me another incompetent answer and honestly speaking I don’t really have the patience to listen to it.”
Clear, cruel, and couldn’t possibly be misunderstood; Uruha always had his way to shut Aoi up, be it with the words he said or simply the look of his eyes. So as always, Aoi gave up. He picked the easier, most possibly safer way out and that was to shut it all off and pretend he had never heard anything. To play the fool, that’s what he had continuously opted for every time he found himself stuck in an inconvenient situation. After all this time, Aoi was getting good at it. He became an expert in acting ignorant, in averting his attention elsewhere when the atmosphere wasn’t hospitable, in busying himself with something, anything else that would keep him occupied.
As for now, it was the mirror and the bottle of makeup remover that he would use to forget Uruha’s existence in this room. Such a futile attempt, Aoi knew that, but anything was better than nothing.
He thought it was working, his method of running away from troubles but it turned out he was wrong, again.
“It’s the same old thing, isn’t it?” Uruha’s voice broke the silence Aoi had so desperately built up.
On the mirror, Aoi could see Uruha walking towards him. His face was a mixture of arrogance completed with that knowing look, the look that told Aoi he didn’t really have to say anything to reply to Uruha’s question, because it seemed Uruha already knew the answer.
Yes, the same old thing. The very thing Aoi had lived with for years. Aoi hadn’t been able to erase it from his mind. And it in this case meant his feeling for Uruha. Fact is his world was filled with desiring Uruha; his dreams were tainted with fake reality in which he could put his hands on Uruha. Bluntly speaking, he was sickly in love with Uruha. It wasn’t just a typical kind of love. Aoi’s love for Uruha was the kind that he couldn’t easily forget. It came and went like flu. You never know when it’s going to hit you but you’re always sure the virus is around you, somewhere, everywhere, ready to attack your immune system. In this case, Aoi’s love lay deep inside his brain, like a tumor that wouldn’t budge no matter what he did to try and get rid of it. And like any tumor, Aoi knew this love would kill him, sooner or later.
He sat still. The bottle in his grip fell and clattered on the table. Uruha advanced closer and closer to him and Aoi was torn between wanting to runaway from the spot or to let Uruha come near. The second option sounded too dangerous for his wellbeing. It sounded like something he should avoid.
But Uruha’s eyes seized him, stopping him from making any movements. That was some awesome power he had, so awesome it was bordering on frightening. It was disheartening to think that one look Uruha gave him could stop the beating of his heart. He wondered how much Uruha would need to do to permanently shut his heart down and kill him.
“It is…” Uruha drawled, now standing right behind Aoi. Aoi could feel the vague warmth coming from the other’s body, taunting him to do something he would regret. “It’s always the same old thing,” Uruha continued. Their eyes met on the mirror. “Pathetic, as always.”
Aoi took it in without a word to deny it. He was pathetic, just like Uruha said he was. He didn’t need to be told because he had already gotten tired of that little voice inside his head repeatedly telling him that he should be sorry of himself. Keeping the same little secret for as long as he had. Stubbornly hanging onto something so vague even he knew it might vaporize anytime at all, he was an idiot. The whole world could laugh at him and he couldn’t even tell them to stop, because he deserved it.
In Uruha’s eyes he could read the words, clear like a giant headline on the front page of a newspaper. But it wasn’t until Uruha spoke them out loud did Aoi feel the thorns stabbing into his heart.
“Wake up, Aoi, it’s only a dream.”
Aoi closed his eyes. Despite Uruha telling him to wake up, Aoi allowed himself to drown even deeper in his world of denials. This wasn’t a dream that could just end once he opened his eyes. No, this was the sort of dream that lingered even when he was wide awake, strung by a dozen cups of coffee and slapped hard across the face a couple of times. It was an endless nightmare. Aoi didn’t know how to be free of it.
When he opened his eyes Uruha was still there, the vivid impersonation of the immortal ghost inside his head, complete with the smirk adorning his full lips. The younger man leaned over until Aoi could feel Uruha’s cheek pressing against his ear. Aoi could barely suppress the shudder running through his body caused by this contact.
In the mirror, he saw Uruha’s lips move and knew Uruha was about to speak, but he wished he was deaf so he didn’t have to listen to what Uruha had to say. But he wasn’t deaf, and the only option he had was to sit there while the words left Uruha’s lips and dripped onto his skin like poison spit from an angel-shaped demon’s mouth.
“I didn’t want you then, I don’t want you now.” Uruha blinked his eyes; Aoi watched on the mirror. “But I can clearly see that you still want me as much as ever.”
Their eyes met but only for a second or maybe less. Aoi was the first to avert his glance.
“No, look at me, Aoi. Look at me and tell me you’re still so stupidly obsessed about me.”
Uruha put his arms around Aoi and Aoi, wishing for a hole to open up under his feet and swallow him, realized just how much it actually hurt to be held this way by Uruha. He’d imagined about something like this happening but in his imaginations Uruha was sweet, caring and gentle. His touch felt wonderful on Aoi’s skin. But then, how retarded was he to believe in his own imaginations? It was just like what Uruha had stated. Some would call it persistence, but Uruha had a more fitting term to name it. It’s obsession, plain and stupid obsession. And it wasn’t something Aoi could get rid of without any difficulty.
Aoi looked straight into the mirror and watched himself turning vaguer by the second. It was as if Uruha was sucking his soul through every pore on his skin and, the longer they maintained this proximity, the sooner Aoi would disappear. Maybe it was better. Maybe invisibility was what he had been looking for all along. Maybe, by being invisible Uruha would stop bothering him and his mind.
But things never turned out the way he wanted them to and he should have known better than to expect a miracle from happening today, tomorrow, or anytime at all.
He shivered when Uruha leaned even closer, the other’s hair tickling the skin of Aoi’s neck. Something in Uruha’s eyes burned bright, like amber colored lava smoldering through space and time until the ray finally scorched Aoi’s whole being. Those eyes had long been imprinted in Aoi’s mind. Not the ones he remembered seeing for the first time, years ago, but the ones that had haunted him ever since.
“After all these years,” Uruha inhaled, “why can’t you just give up?”
Something inside Aoi was screaming. “You know why, Uruha! You know exactly why because there’s no getting rid of this feeling, not when you keep stoking it every single day, not when you keep teasing me with possibilities. You know god damn well why I can’t give up, because I’ve tried and I’ve failed. You made sure I never succeeded every attempt. Fuck, Uruha, you know it as well as I do that as long as we’re both still alive this madness will never end!”
But in reality, he remained silent. His eyes, a pair of dark, cold, despairing coals that seemed to have lost their warmth, met Uruha’s honey colored contacts covered orbs. He couldn’t read what’s in Uruha’s mind now but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, whatever it was. For now, he really didn’t give a damn if Uruha knew the things he thought about. Maybe Uruha knew, maybe he didn’t. Either way, Aoi was already too far exposed to hide anymore.
He watched, still in his carefully kept silence, as Uruha’s lithe fingers moved along his jaw. The sensation they left on his skin burned. It burned so painfully Aoi wished he had a bucket full of ice water to drown his head in. And then those fingers gripped his jaw and turned his face sideways, abruptly, agonizingly. Their faces met now and not just reflections, no. This time Aoi had to see it with his own eyes the devil in the flesh.
Uruha’s makeup was still as perfect as ever, not a single line smeared and even his lipgloss was intact. His hair, teased into adorable dark blonde curls shined under the neon light. It’s practically impossible for such perfection to exist and to last, but Aoi supposed Uruha defied everything that was normal and common. Maybe that’s why Aoi adored him so much to the point of being helpless about it.
The muscles on his neck protested, straining painfully from being pulled so far against their limits. Uruha didn’t seem to care even though Aoi was clearly flinching, his face hiding no sign of the pain he endured. The full lips smiled a smile that would have seemed angelic in some other situations, but for now it actually frightened Aoi. It frightened him because he could see the cruelness behind this sweet façade, and it frightened him even more because he couldn’t help himself but to love it as well, as much as he loved Uruha and his every single quirk.
Uruha’s pride, attitude, and aloofness were what made Uruha a whole person and Aoi loved him entirely.
“You and your whole existence make no sense to me,” Uruha said.
Every single word cut Aoi deep, but then Uruha hadn’t just informed him of something completely new. Aoi had known that all along, had swallowed the bitter taste of rejection over and over again.
“If I kiss you, do you promise to stop being such a pain in the ass?”
The question made Aoi’s forehead crease. Now that was an idea he hadn’t expected coming from Uruha.
“What?” he asked. It seemed crucial because for all he knew Uruha could very well be teasing him again, promising him one thing only to deny him everything in the end like he always did.
Uruha didn’t give him the confirmation or any sort of answer he had asked for, instead he grabbed Aoi roughly on the back of his head and proceeded to move forward, his face inching closer by the second.
Throughout his life Aoi had faced many situations that required his clear thinking, his ability to consider the options that he had and pick the right one. Many obstacles had come and gone and he should have learned from all of those experiences. He was a grown up man after all. He was supposed to be over the part of learning what was right and what was wrong. But look at where he was now. Was this what he had expected to happen the first day he decided to tell Uruha how he felt? Probably not the way it was happening now, but no matter how much Aoi wanted to change things now it was already too late.
The moment Uruha’s lips touched his own Aoi felt like life finally ended for him, right then and there. His eyelids slid close and the world consequently stopped turning. He didn’t know what was happening inside of him but it might have been something almost religious, traumatically religious. It was holy but in the same time sinful. It felt wonderful… yet it also hurt so much.
Nothing about the kiss was gentle and it wasn’t overly difficult to detect the disgust Uruha must be feeling. It gave Aoi a sense of queasiness or maybe even nauseas but Aoi didn’t know how to escape this sweet torture. He didn’t know how to detach his lips from Uruha’s because, be damned all the virtues he had ever held dear in his life, the kiss felt so good despite the fact Uruha wasn’t doing it for the reasons Aoi would have liked. A kiss is a kiss, so some people said. Maybe Aoi had lost all common sense when it came to Uruha. Maybe he was completely hopeless. But all that he could think of was Uruha and right now Uruha was kissing him. For now, that’s all that mattered.
Uruha’s lips slid against his, sucking, rolling in a quick, random rhythm of movement. Aoi could do nothing but to follow the pace that Uruha had commenced. He was paralyzed from the neck down, or so he felt. Even the pulse of his blood became so irregular he might be suffering from a seizure. And then he felt Uruha’s tongue prodding for an entrance. He gave in without a moment’s worth of resistance, and soon enough, the electrifying sensation of Uruha’s tongue sliding against his own came over him.
How long had he wanted this to happen? Too long for Aoi to recount it seemed. Dreams of Uruha kissing him, touching him and bringing him that taste of Heaven he had longed for had come to taint his nights too often to be healthy. He simply couldn’t believe that it was finally happening, although there was this heavy throbbing inside his chest that kept reminding him this whole thing was nothing but a joke, a cruel joke Uruha was making with him as the victim.
It hurt to think of how it might have been had Uruha positively responded to his feelings. Reality was such a bitch.
And then it ended, almost as quickly as it had started.
When Uruha pulled away Aoi followed him, unwilling to let him go just yet. Aoi could hear the faint giggling sound Uruha made. He knew he should feel embarrassed because Uruha was laughing at him, laughing at his desperateness. Oddly, he didn’t feel so… Well, maybe no more than usual. Or maybe he had gotten way too used to the shame to actually take notice in it anymore. He opened his eyes and saw Uruha’s face and the amused expression he wore.
“Not bad,” Uruha whispered without a breath’s worth pause. “I’ll give you six out of ten. I would’ve given you seven had you not smoked.”
Aoi should have expected something heartless like that coming from Uruha right after the kiss, but still, no matter how prepared he thought he was, it hurt so bad to actually listen to Uruha’s words. Uruha moved away and all Aoi could do was to sit there, dumbfounded, watching and waiting for what fate had for him next. With skilled elegance, as if he was born with it, Uruha walked to where he had left his jacket and proceeded to take the rest of his clothes off. The lack of inhibition or rather the excess of pride made it difficult for Aoi to keep staring at his band mate, so he looked away.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was worse than his nightmares compiled into one, big mess.
All that Aoi could do was wonder if the day would end any sooner because he suddenly missed his bed so much. Not that he would be able to sleep tonight, no. While he thought about how unfair life was to him and how tired he felt of having to deal with the same issue day after day, Uruha spoke up again.
“My advice Aoi, and I do hope you listen to me this time,” so he said, “is that you forget about me, move on with your life and find someone who will love you back as much as you love them.”
A breath left Aoi’s lungs. He glanced at the mirror to see his own face. He looked absolutely pathetic, and felt absolutely pathetic. It wasn’t the first thing Uruha had done tonight that was cruel but it was certainly one that hurt the most, although it seemed to be something as simple as an advice. It’s cruel because Aoi didn’t even know how to forget about Uruha, not to mention to love someone else. It’s cruel because Uruha already knew that, yet he still had the nerve to give Aoi such advice.
The worst thing about all of this was that Aoi had already known all along that he was in love with the wrong person, the very person who would never answer his feelings.
Maybe this was what they all called ‘unconditional love’.
=== THE END ===
A/N: Okay okay okay~ So I made Uruha slightly(?) out of character here. I know he's not that... bitchy, but then this is fiction, is it not? Plus he looks bitchy in that new photoshoot, doesn't he? He makes Aoi look innocent in the magazine and THAT, I say, is a HUGE achievement.
Well I hope you enjoy that one, and right now I'm writing another AxU and I promise it won't be an angst! In fact it'll be really fluffy! And yes, aside from that, of course Beautiful Lie is still on the go. I've just finished the original version and will start translating it into English soon. But I'm a bit sad seeing the amount of response I received on the third chapter *cries* Ah well. I guess it's just one of the risks I should have prepared myself to deal with. Anyhow, I'm grateful I've still got people reading my stories.
Okay so... I'll see you next time! Remember to comment, okay!! :D
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Chapter: 1/1 (oneshot)
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixUruha
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Yaoi, kissing
Disclaimer: the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock (Thank you, dear! I'm such a big-fail in commas, huh...)
Summary: Some would call it persistence, but Uruha had a more fitting term to name it. It's obsession, plain and stupid obsession. And it wasn’t something Aoi could get rid of without any difficulty.
Comment: Well, finally, I'm writing AxU again although it unexpectedly turned out into an angst *laughs* The idea for this one emerged abruptly after knowing Aoi and Uruha would be featured in the new Neo Genesis edition although, embarrassingly, I was completely misinformed. I thought Uruha was going to show his thighs in that magazine, but as we all can see for ourselves now that the magazine is out, he didn't. But do me a favor and let's just believe it for a moment that he did, okay? For the story's sake XD
So uh... Yeah. Here you go. And as always, I'll be waiting for your comments :)
Kiss Me, Kill Me, Leave Me
A puff of smoke, white and cotton-like slipped between Aoi’s lips and ascended to the air. The view along with the smell of tobacco gave him an odd sense of calmness. This was most likely why he always kept a full pack of cigarettes in his bag just in case he ran out of the ones he stashed in his pocket. He always needed to go back to that false sanctuary where he could feel at ease, even if the situation didn’t really let him to.
Well, at least here in this small personal space he had created, he could enjoy some moment of peace. For the next ten minutes or so he supposed he was allowed this temporary luxury, or until one of the staff told him to go back to the set and pose again in front of the camera.
At least here, in the small window side corner, he didn’t have to stare at Uruha.
That sounded a bit like he couldn’t help himself-fact is, he honestly couldn’t. Today it seemed like Uruha’s presence glowed all over the place, that Aoi just didn’t have a choice but to stare at him. Maybe the new costume made that possible; the thighs hadn’t made their appearance for a while already now and when they finally did, it was almost as if Uruha was showing them off for the first time again. If there was such a thing as stopping time with the power of just one look, Uruha had just done it the moment he walked out of the changing room. Everybody had suffered the consequence of that blasting new look and Aoi was even certain the makeup girl was still gossiping around about how she finally saw Uruha’s ‘Almighty Thighs’ in real life.
Or maybe it was the makeup… All the eye-shadow they had put on Uruha’s eyes made him look extravagant-well, even more so than usual.
He huffed. Another puff of white smoke curled before him and soared away with the gentle breeze of wind. Whatever the cause was, Aoi decided it would be safer if he stayed as far as it was possible-without being overly conspicuous about it, of course-from Uruha. This spot seemed good enough… for the moment.
He was helpless. This was a fact that even he was embarrassed of. It didn’t take him a whole minute to figure that much. The instant he saw what Uruha was going to wear for this photoshoot, he regretted ever agreeing to be featured together with his fellow guitarist in the soon to be released magazine. He knew what was going to happen, hours and hours of having to take a fierce control of himself. And now, as expected it turned out to be a very tiresome thing to do.
It was as if he was back to two years ago when it had been awfully hard just to be around Uruha. The others thought there was some sort of professional rivalry between them but it was something else entirely. This was something that none of their friends should ever know, something that Aoi had struggled to cover up at every chance he got. He had screwed his moment in an interview session and nearly blew up his own disguise by talking way too much about Uruha, putting the spotlight upon himself and the little secret he’d been trying to keep from getting known. It was a spur in the moment and he had spent a lot of time trying to fix that mistake.
Today it shouldn’t happen again. He had to keep himself in check if only to save himself from suffering another embarrassment.
“Ah, Aoi-san, there you are. It’s your turn now, and then after that we will take the duet scenes.”
A smile automatically bloomed on Aoi’s face. He nodded to respond to the staff’s instructions. Stubbing his cigarette against the bottom of the ashtray, he stood up, straightened his jacket and walked into the setting where everybody-including Uruha-was waiting for him.
===
It was finally over but Aoi wasn’t feeling any better. He knew he wasn’t safe yet and still had to play this stupid little game of hide and seek until he was inside his apartment with the door locked and barred. It was not to stop people from going in, but rather to keep himself from walking outside and doing something stupid. Walking into the changing room he made up plans in his head. Starting from a long, calming hot bath to an early night sleep to relieve the stress that had stacked up in his head today.
All his plans went straight to hell though, the very second he sat himself down in front of the mirror.
“What is with you today, Aoi?”
The voice was sharp, as sharp as a dagger that went through Aoi’s chest and even back again, piercing two large holes through his heart. He looked away from the reflection of his own face to the man who had just entered the room, the one and only, Uruha.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh don’t give me that look,” Uruha scoffed, taking his jacket off in one go. He stood at one side of the room, near the door that was closed. Aoi wasn’t sure he liked the expression he saw on Uruha’s face. “You’ve been ignoring me all fucking day long!” Uruha said.
Oh great, Aoi thought, just when he was so confident that he’d been discreet enough.
“You’re getting it wrong, Uruha,” Aoi sighed. What could he possibly say that wouldn’t sound suspicious enough? “I was just not in the mood to-”
“Well you look like you were in the mood to chat away with Sakai!” Uruha cut him off. “What, you didn’t think I’d connect with the stupid topics you might want to talk about, is that it?”
“No-”
“Just save it, Aoi.” Uruha shook his head, walking towards the table, rummaging through the mess until he finally grabbed something, a t-shirt. His eyes weren’t looking at Aoi when he spoke again. “You’re just going to give me another incompetent answer and honestly speaking I don’t really have the patience to listen to it.”
Clear, cruel, and couldn’t possibly be misunderstood; Uruha always had his way to shut Aoi up, be it with the words he said or simply the look of his eyes. So as always, Aoi gave up. He picked the easier, most possibly safer way out and that was to shut it all off and pretend he had never heard anything. To play the fool, that’s what he had continuously opted for every time he found himself stuck in an inconvenient situation. After all this time, Aoi was getting good at it. He became an expert in acting ignorant, in averting his attention elsewhere when the atmosphere wasn’t hospitable, in busying himself with something, anything else that would keep him occupied.
As for now, it was the mirror and the bottle of makeup remover that he would use to forget Uruha’s existence in this room. Such a futile attempt, Aoi knew that, but anything was better than nothing.
He thought it was working, his method of running away from troubles but it turned out he was wrong, again.
“It’s the same old thing, isn’t it?” Uruha’s voice broke the silence Aoi had so desperately built up.
On the mirror, Aoi could see Uruha walking towards him. His face was a mixture of arrogance completed with that knowing look, the look that told Aoi he didn’t really have to say anything to reply to Uruha’s question, because it seemed Uruha already knew the answer.
Yes, the same old thing. The very thing Aoi had lived with for years. Aoi hadn’t been able to erase it from his mind. And it in this case meant his feeling for Uruha. Fact is his world was filled with desiring Uruha; his dreams were tainted with fake reality in which he could put his hands on Uruha. Bluntly speaking, he was sickly in love with Uruha. It wasn’t just a typical kind of love. Aoi’s love for Uruha was the kind that he couldn’t easily forget. It came and went like flu. You never know when it’s going to hit you but you’re always sure the virus is around you, somewhere, everywhere, ready to attack your immune system. In this case, Aoi’s love lay deep inside his brain, like a tumor that wouldn’t budge no matter what he did to try and get rid of it. And like any tumor, Aoi knew this love would kill him, sooner or later.
He sat still. The bottle in his grip fell and clattered on the table. Uruha advanced closer and closer to him and Aoi was torn between wanting to runaway from the spot or to let Uruha come near. The second option sounded too dangerous for his wellbeing. It sounded like something he should avoid.
But Uruha’s eyes seized him, stopping him from making any movements. That was some awesome power he had, so awesome it was bordering on frightening. It was disheartening to think that one look Uruha gave him could stop the beating of his heart. He wondered how much Uruha would need to do to permanently shut his heart down and kill him.
“It is…” Uruha drawled, now standing right behind Aoi. Aoi could feel the vague warmth coming from the other’s body, taunting him to do something he would regret. “It’s always the same old thing,” Uruha continued. Their eyes met on the mirror. “Pathetic, as always.”
Aoi took it in without a word to deny it. He was pathetic, just like Uruha said he was. He didn’t need to be told because he had already gotten tired of that little voice inside his head repeatedly telling him that he should be sorry of himself. Keeping the same little secret for as long as he had. Stubbornly hanging onto something so vague even he knew it might vaporize anytime at all, he was an idiot. The whole world could laugh at him and he couldn’t even tell them to stop, because he deserved it.
In Uruha’s eyes he could read the words, clear like a giant headline on the front page of a newspaper. But it wasn’t until Uruha spoke them out loud did Aoi feel the thorns stabbing into his heart.
“Wake up, Aoi, it’s only a dream.”
Aoi closed his eyes. Despite Uruha telling him to wake up, Aoi allowed himself to drown even deeper in his world of denials. This wasn’t a dream that could just end once he opened his eyes. No, this was the sort of dream that lingered even when he was wide awake, strung by a dozen cups of coffee and slapped hard across the face a couple of times. It was an endless nightmare. Aoi didn’t know how to be free of it.
When he opened his eyes Uruha was still there, the vivid impersonation of the immortal ghost inside his head, complete with the smirk adorning his full lips. The younger man leaned over until Aoi could feel Uruha’s cheek pressing against his ear. Aoi could barely suppress the shudder running through his body caused by this contact.
In the mirror, he saw Uruha’s lips move and knew Uruha was about to speak, but he wished he was deaf so he didn’t have to listen to what Uruha had to say. But he wasn’t deaf, and the only option he had was to sit there while the words left Uruha’s lips and dripped onto his skin like poison spit from an angel-shaped demon’s mouth.
“I didn’t want you then, I don’t want you now.” Uruha blinked his eyes; Aoi watched on the mirror. “But I can clearly see that you still want me as much as ever.”
Their eyes met but only for a second or maybe less. Aoi was the first to avert his glance.
“No, look at me, Aoi. Look at me and tell me you’re still so stupidly obsessed about me.”
Uruha put his arms around Aoi and Aoi, wishing for a hole to open up under his feet and swallow him, realized just how much it actually hurt to be held this way by Uruha. He’d imagined about something like this happening but in his imaginations Uruha was sweet, caring and gentle. His touch felt wonderful on Aoi’s skin. But then, how retarded was he to believe in his own imaginations? It was just like what Uruha had stated. Some would call it persistence, but Uruha had a more fitting term to name it. It’s obsession, plain and stupid obsession. And it wasn’t something Aoi could get rid of without any difficulty.
Aoi looked straight into the mirror and watched himself turning vaguer by the second. It was as if Uruha was sucking his soul through every pore on his skin and, the longer they maintained this proximity, the sooner Aoi would disappear. Maybe it was better. Maybe invisibility was what he had been looking for all along. Maybe, by being invisible Uruha would stop bothering him and his mind.
But things never turned out the way he wanted them to and he should have known better than to expect a miracle from happening today, tomorrow, or anytime at all.
He shivered when Uruha leaned even closer, the other’s hair tickling the skin of Aoi’s neck. Something in Uruha’s eyes burned bright, like amber colored lava smoldering through space and time until the ray finally scorched Aoi’s whole being. Those eyes had long been imprinted in Aoi’s mind. Not the ones he remembered seeing for the first time, years ago, but the ones that had haunted him ever since.
“After all these years,” Uruha inhaled, “why can’t you just give up?”
Something inside Aoi was screaming. “You know why, Uruha! You know exactly why because there’s no getting rid of this feeling, not when you keep stoking it every single day, not when you keep teasing me with possibilities. You know god damn well why I can’t give up, because I’ve tried and I’ve failed. You made sure I never succeeded every attempt. Fuck, Uruha, you know it as well as I do that as long as we’re both still alive this madness will never end!”
But in reality, he remained silent. His eyes, a pair of dark, cold, despairing coals that seemed to have lost their warmth, met Uruha’s honey colored contacts covered orbs. He couldn’t read what’s in Uruha’s mind now but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, whatever it was. For now, he really didn’t give a damn if Uruha knew the things he thought about. Maybe Uruha knew, maybe he didn’t. Either way, Aoi was already too far exposed to hide anymore.
He watched, still in his carefully kept silence, as Uruha’s lithe fingers moved along his jaw. The sensation they left on his skin burned. It burned so painfully Aoi wished he had a bucket full of ice water to drown his head in. And then those fingers gripped his jaw and turned his face sideways, abruptly, agonizingly. Their faces met now and not just reflections, no. This time Aoi had to see it with his own eyes the devil in the flesh.
Uruha’s makeup was still as perfect as ever, not a single line smeared and even his lipgloss was intact. His hair, teased into adorable dark blonde curls shined under the neon light. It’s practically impossible for such perfection to exist and to last, but Aoi supposed Uruha defied everything that was normal and common. Maybe that’s why Aoi adored him so much to the point of being helpless about it.
The muscles on his neck protested, straining painfully from being pulled so far against their limits. Uruha didn’t seem to care even though Aoi was clearly flinching, his face hiding no sign of the pain he endured. The full lips smiled a smile that would have seemed angelic in some other situations, but for now it actually frightened Aoi. It frightened him because he could see the cruelness behind this sweet façade, and it frightened him even more because he couldn’t help himself but to love it as well, as much as he loved Uruha and his every single quirk.
Uruha’s pride, attitude, and aloofness were what made Uruha a whole person and Aoi loved him entirely.
“You and your whole existence make no sense to me,” Uruha said.
Every single word cut Aoi deep, but then Uruha hadn’t just informed him of something completely new. Aoi had known that all along, had swallowed the bitter taste of rejection over and over again.
“If I kiss you, do you promise to stop being such a pain in the ass?”
The question made Aoi’s forehead crease. Now that was an idea he hadn’t expected coming from Uruha.
“What?” he asked. It seemed crucial because for all he knew Uruha could very well be teasing him again, promising him one thing only to deny him everything in the end like he always did.
Uruha didn’t give him the confirmation or any sort of answer he had asked for, instead he grabbed Aoi roughly on the back of his head and proceeded to move forward, his face inching closer by the second.
Throughout his life Aoi had faced many situations that required his clear thinking, his ability to consider the options that he had and pick the right one. Many obstacles had come and gone and he should have learned from all of those experiences. He was a grown up man after all. He was supposed to be over the part of learning what was right and what was wrong. But look at where he was now. Was this what he had expected to happen the first day he decided to tell Uruha how he felt? Probably not the way it was happening now, but no matter how much Aoi wanted to change things now it was already too late.
The moment Uruha’s lips touched his own Aoi felt like life finally ended for him, right then and there. His eyelids slid close and the world consequently stopped turning. He didn’t know what was happening inside of him but it might have been something almost religious, traumatically religious. It was holy but in the same time sinful. It felt wonderful… yet it also hurt so much.
Nothing about the kiss was gentle and it wasn’t overly difficult to detect the disgust Uruha must be feeling. It gave Aoi a sense of queasiness or maybe even nauseas but Aoi didn’t know how to escape this sweet torture. He didn’t know how to detach his lips from Uruha’s because, be damned all the virtues he had ever held dear in his life, the kiss felt so good despite the fact Uruha wasn’t doing it for the reasons Aoi would have liked. A kiss is a kiss, so some people said. Maybe Aoi had lost all common sense when it came to Uruha. Maybe he was completely hopeless. But all that he could think of was Uruha and right now Uruha was kissing him. For now, that’s all that mattered.
Uruha’s lips slid against his, sucking, rolling in a quick, random rhythm of movement. Aoi could do nothing but to follow the pace that Uruha had commenced. He was paralyzed from the neck down, or so he felt. Even the pulse of his blood became so irregular he might be suffering from a seizure. And then he felt Uruha’s tongue prodding for an entrance. He gave in without a moment’s worth of resistance, and soon enough, the electrifying sensation of Uruha’s tongue sliding against his own came over him.
How long had he wanted this to happen? Too long for Aoi to recount it seemed. Dreams of Uruha kissing him, touching him and bringing him that taste of Heaven he had longed for had come to taint his nights too often to be healthy. He simply couldn’t believe that it was finally happening, although there was this heavy throbbing inside his chest that kept reminding him this whole thing was nothing but a joke, a cruel joke Uruha was making with him as the victim.
It hurt to think of how it might have been had Uruha positively responded to his feelings. Reality was such a bitch.
And then it ended, almost as quickly as it had started.
When Uruha pulled away Aoi followed him, unwilling to let him go just yet. Aoi could hear the faint giggling sound Uruha made. He knew he should feel embarrassed because Uruha was laughing at him, laughing at his desperateness. Oddly, he didn’t feel so… Well, maybe no more than usual. Or maybe he had gotten way too used to the shame to actually take notice in it anymore. He opened his eyes and saw Uruha’s face and the amused expression he wore.
“Not bad,” Uruha whispered without a breath’s worth pause. “I’ll give you six out of ten. I would’ve given you seven had you not smoked.”
Aoi should have expected something heartless like that coming from Uruha right after the kiss, but still, no matter how prepared he thought he was, it hurt so bad to actually listen to Uruha’s words. Uruha moved away and all Aoi could do was to sit there, dumbfounded, watching and waiting for what fate had for him next. With skilled elegance, as if he was born with it, Uruha walked to where he had left his jacket and proceeded to take the rest of his clothes off. The lack of inhibition or rather the excess of pride made it difficult for Aoi to keep staring at his band mate, so he looked away.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was worse than his nightmares compiled into one, big mess.
All that Aoi could do was wonder if the day would end any sooner because he suddenly missed his bed so much. Not that he would be able to sleep tonight, no. While he thought about how unfair life was to him and how tired he felt of having to deal with the same issue day after day, Uruha spoke up again.
“My advice Aoi, and I do hope you listen to me this time,” so he said, “is that you forget about me, move on with your life and find someone who will love you back as much as you love them.”
A breath left Aoi’s lungs. He glanced at the mirror to see his own face. He looked absolutely pathetic, and felt absolutely pathetic. It wasn’t the first thing Uruha had done tonight that was cruel but it was certainly one that hurt the most, although it seemed to be something as simple as an advice. It’s cruel because Aoi didn’t even know how to forget about Uruha, not to mention to love someone else. It’s cruel because Uruha already knew that, yet he still had the nerve to give Aoi such advice.
The worst thing about all of this was that Aoi had already known all along that he was in love with the wrong person, the very person who would never answer his feelings.
Maybe this was what they all called ‘unconditional love’.
=== THE END ===
A/N: Okay okay okay~ So I made Uruha slightly(?) out of character here. I know he's not that... bitchy, but then this is fiction, is it not? Plus he looks bitchy in that new photoshoot, doesn't he? He makes Aoi look innocent in the magazine and THAT, I say, is a HUGE achievement.
Well I hope you enjoy that one, and right now I'm writing another AxU and I promise it won't be an angst! In fact it'll be really fluffy! And yes, aside from that, of course Beautiful Lie is still on the go. I've just finished the original version and will start translating it into English soon. But I'm a bit sad seeing the amount of response I received on the third chapter *cries* Ah well. I guess it's just one of the risks I should have prepared myself to deal with. Anyhow, I'm grateful I've still got people reading my stories.
Okay so... I'll see you next time! Remember to comment, okay!! :D
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