So it's been forever...
... since I've posted on here. But at the moment I'm all of a sudden depressed and have no one or nowhere else to put these feelings.
So, I'm pregnant, right. So I feel all sorts of fucked up right now anyways... both physically and just emotionally. I feels sort of weird being married since it was just for insurance - like we were obligated to do it. And I guess we kind of were.
Anyways, we have internet now. And, of course, Joe is on it a lot. He's been staying up late playing a game, but after I go to sleep he's online looking at girly pics and such. He even has a whole folder on his msn named for skate sites but full of his favorite photobucket debutantes, I guess.
So, yeah, normally, this makes me a bit mad. I know we're married, but this has been my computer for a long time... and he knows how much I hate the sneaking around looking at porn or running away to jerk off thing. First off, we have REAL porn, why not that?? and second, go jerk off when I'm not home!
So with all of this compounded... I feel like shit about myself already.. I'm gaining weight, I'm breaking out and stressed about the baby.. and it's only been three months. I don't think he really even wants to keep it. "I don't care" is not a reaction you should have to having a child. Of course, not a whole lot I can do about it. And I was sure I really wanted it, but feeling this way about myself and being unsure about my "new husband" (which I should obviously not feel unsure of) is making me think otherwise.
So I guess I'm just pregnant and depressed and not getting the attention I want - of course, if asked, I couldn't tell you what kind of attention that I DID want. All I know is waking up at 2am to see pictures of naked girls on my computer screen in the other room is really not the way I want to be treated during this rather complicated time of my life. I guess him just looking at girly pictures says to me that I'm just getting uglier and I just don't interest him so he feel compelled to leave my side to go stare at some other chick.
I'm sick of these feelings.. I just want them to go away. If I ever want to tell him that I just feel like crap about myself, he won't care. He'll just say I'm being silly and deny looking at the pictures.
I don't know how I'm supposed to go through this pregnancy feeling this way about everything. I just want to feel the way I see most other pregnant women feel - concerned, yet happy and looking forward to it, with men who are too... instead of this indifference that I'm surrounded with... I just don't want to hurt anymore and at this point that doesn't seem possible. All these tiny things (like stupid twats that he looks at) are beginning to seriously hurt my feelings but I can't seem to do anything about it. I just want to sleep.
So, I'm pregnant, right. So I feel all sorts of fucked up right now anyways... both physically and just emotionally. I feels sort of weird being married since it was just for insurance - like we were obligated to do it. And I guess we kind of were.
Anyways, we have internet now. And, of course, Joe is on it a lot. He's been staying up late playing a game, but after I go to sleep he's online looking at girly pics and such. He even has a whole folder on his msn named for skate sites but full of his favorite photobucket debutantes, I guess.
So, yeah, normally, this makes me a bit mad. I know we're married, but this has been my computer for a long time... and he knows how much I hate the sneaking around looking at porn or running away to jerk off thing. First off, we have REAL porn, why not that?? and second, go jerk off when I'm not home!
So with all of this compounded... I feel like shit about myself already.. I'm gaining weight, I'm breaking out and stressed about the baby.. and it's only been three months. I don't think he really even wants to keep it. "I don't care" is not a reaction you should have to having a child. Of course, not a whole lot I can do about it. And I was sure I really wanted it, but feeling this way about myself and being unsure about my "new husband" (which I should obviously not feel unsure of) is making me think otherwise.
So I guess I'm just pregnant and depressed and not getting the attention I want - of course, if asked, I couldn't tell you what kind of attention that I DID want. All I know is waking up at 2am to see pictures of naked girls on my computer screen in the other room is really not the way I want to be treated during this rather complicated time of my life. I guess him just looking at girly pictures says to me that I'm just getting uglier and I just don't interest him so he feel compelled to leave my side to go stare at some other chick.
I'm sick of these feelings.. I just want them to go away. If I ever want to tell him that I just feel like crap about myself, he won't care. He'll just say I'm being silly and deny looking at the pictures.
I don't know how I'm supposed to go through this pregnancy feeling this way about everything. I just want to feel the way I see most other pregnant women feel - concerned, yet happy and looking forward to it, with men who are too... instead of this indifference that I'm surrounded with... I just don't want to hurt anymore and at this point that doesn't seem possible. All these tiny things (like stupid twats that he looks at) are beginning to seriously hurt my feelings but I can't seem to do anything about it. I just want to sleep.