(no subject)
Zen emphasizes physical work as the essential complement to philosophical contemplation. Today as I swept the floor I saw why. Noon had passed my bad morning-mood began to improve and I realized I was having a lot of difficulty making the change a lot of people refer to as "growing up." It's an essential part of the problems I'd been experiencing with Dani. And I was trying to dig into the root of the problem and find out what's holding me back, and I'm sorry to say that this, Livejournal, has been a part of that. I've tried to give up LJ once or twice before and of course it didn't work, but I didn't have the conviction then that I do now. It's been far too tempting to have a forum for adolescent whining. LJ carried me through college and my Minnesota years and while they were some of the best years of my life it's time to make the right decision and call enough "enough." I've made excuses - my friends keep in touch with me this way, I've paid for an account, it gives me a way to kill boredom, it gives me a way to vent, etc. and so on.
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned
- Ani, "Manhole"
So I'm putting this away without looking back. Those of you who will want to contact me will probably already have my contact information but for those of you who are telling yourself, "Hey, I'll call or e-mail," well, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and post it: avatarsburden@gmail.com, home phone (909) 881-5644 (free long distance, leave a message if you don't get me, we screen via caller ID).
This is for the best, you'll just have to trust me.
Come home and my guitar
Has nothin to say to me
I recoil from all my friends
And then I'm in misery
Been so long since I've been held
Really since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That's probably all it is
Course, then I think of my dad
Who time travels mostly now
Back to when he was free
And holding out hope somehow
Who sits all day in a line
Of wheelchairs against a wall
Inventing ways to play out time
Like us all
Like us all
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sittin here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on
Little flashing zero
On my answering machine
Rats scratching at my brain
Brain shuffling its feet
Yes I have my father's heart
It may or may not keep on trying
Can't really tell you what it is
Keeps me this side of that dark line
But I'm not there to take care of him
And I'm not here to take care of me
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sitting here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on
- Ani DiFranco, "Recoil"
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my Dani.
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned
- Ani, "Manhole"
So I'm putting this away without looking back. Those of you who will want to contact me will probably already have my contact information but for those of you who are telling yourself, "Hey, I'll call or e-mail," well, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and post it: avatarsburden@gmail.com, home phone (909) 881-5644 (free long distance, leave a message if you don't get me, we screen via caller ID).
This is for the best, you'll just have to trust me.
Come home and my guitar
Has nothin to say to me
I recoil from all my friends
And then I'm in misery
Been so long since I've been held
Really since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That's probably all it is
Course, then I think of my dad
Who time travels mostly now
Back to when he was free
And holding out hope somehow
Who sits all day in a line
Of wheelchairs against a wall
Inventing ways to play out time
Like us all
Like us all
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sittin here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on
Little flashing zero
On my answering machine
Rats scratching at my brain
Brain shuffling its feet
Yes I have my father's heart
It may or may not keep on trying
Can't really tell you what it is
Keeps me this side of that dark line
But I'm not there to take care of him
And I'm not here to take care of me
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down
Across the street
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sitting here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on
- Ani DiFranco, "Recoil"
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my Dani.