a little immaturity.
Sometimes I should've learned to view the world with a much more positive outlook. Maybe I'm jaded, or maybe I was ignorant, or stupid--I don't know which. But I don't know if I could continue on, searching for people and things that hurt me. It's so hard not to look for those things because for the longest time I lost them. Why do I always have to pay for a high premium on everything?
I want to be happy. I need to be happy--but my rose-colored world was shattered years and years back, once acted too old for herself and now, when I learned to let people in, to trust them completely, I am left vulnerable, helpless and weak. Maybe in the end it's just me who knows how to punish myself. Punish, punish, clean the putrid little self of me full of hatred, of envy, anger, and frustrations.
Again, my bubble was burst especially for something I was really, really excited about. Maybe I have that curse to never be happy ever again. Whenever I genuinely find something to be excited about, "Poof!" cried fate and misfortune surely follows.
Am I that detestable that whenever I am stubborn in not giving an answer people would raise their voice with me? Just like him? Just like someone who brought me to my miserable existence in this world? When I said and promised to try and become happy, that dark ugly reaper constantly urging me to end my life disappeared. But here he is, a few meters away, reeking with evil triumph that I shall hurt, hurt until the end of days. I am cursed am I not? I know I am... a detestable little girl who could not act for herself, not even protect herself from any harm. A girl who could not stand on her own. A girl without any other purpose in the world despite her trying to believe that she did have a purpose.
The world isn't fair and my little stubborn mind could not learn to accept it. I'm a shame. shame shame shame shame shame!
I want to be happy. I need to be happy--but my rose-colored world was shattered years and years back, once acted too old for herself and now, when I learned to let people in, to trust them completely, I am left vulnerable, helpless and weak. Maybe in the end it's just me who knows how to punish myself. Punish, punish, clean the putrid little self of me full of hatred, of envy, anger, and frustrations.
Again, my bubble was burst especially for something I was really, really excited about. Maybe I have that curse to never be happy ever again. Whenever I genuinely find something to be excited about, "Poof!" cried fate and misfortune surely follows.
Am I that detestable that whenever I am stubborn in not giving an answer people would raise their voice with me? Just like him? Just like someone who brought me to my miserable existence in this world? When I said and promised to try and become happy, that dark ugly reaper constantly urging me to end my life disappeared. But here he is, a few meters away, reeking with evil triumph that I shall hurt, hurt until the end of days. I am cursed am I not? I know I am... a detestable little girl who could not act for herself, not even protect herself from any harm. A girl who could not stand on her own. A girl without any other purpose in the world despite her trying to believe that she did have a purpose.
The world isn't fair and my little stubborn mind could not learn to accept it. I'm a shame. shame shame shame shame shame!