(no subject)
I sit at my desk after several hours of disturbed sleep. I have been an angry person, and tending to lash out lately, and yet I fell that today I have a right to, again the country has put to the test the idea that homosexuals are people who deserve the same rights as everyone else, and sadly again the people have said No.
What is worse is that Ian, in a way my last sibling, still does not understand and has been again and again saying he supports me, he does so in the most condescending way. let me explain. Ian has been discussing marriage on several occasions lately, and each time he talks about it as a boding and a happy union, and he talks of children. Yet when ever the topic comes up about gay marriage he always says "you have the same right to be miserable that straight people do" and he fails to see how this is condescending and quite frankly hateful. Ian while never being the most empathic of all people until a few years ago was a person of enough tact and open-mindedness to not make those statements, or at least I never saw them that way. he when he lived a life of vice and promiscuity was not a person to judge and let peoples ideas stand with out condemnation, even if he did argue to the hilt. yet now, every idea that is foreign to him is stupid, or irrelevant. Gay rights he sees as a distraction from the real problems of the day, and a waist of time, or at least he treats them that way.
I wonder weather it is he that has changed, or weather it is me. do I see more clearly the bigotedness in his words because I am trained to see the assumptions better than I ever have been before in my life, or are the assumptions new. I wonder is it I who have changed so dramatically, or weather it is he. More likely it is both, but even so I am at a loss for what to do.
I find taht I can not communicate to him what it is that makes me so upset, and when I try he see it as an attack on his values and beliefs. He says that I lack the very acceptance and tolerance that I demand in others. At times I know he is right, I have a knee jerk reaction to hate mongers, and dealers in fear. I feel like I am facing in microcosm what the country faces in macrocosm. at every point I feel I have made, and won, is just reversed or forgotten when next he sleeps, or more likely as soon as the subject is dropped.
What hurts most of all is that this man who has been my brother with all the negative and possitve associated with that, has chosen a culture, and politics, and ideology that says I am less than he. Add to this the basic inferiority I feel to teh fact that he is independent, and making more money in one year than I will see in the next 10, as well as some how having steady if not truly healthy romantic relationships I also wonder if it is not my jealousy that makes me so harsh.
I wish I knew, I wish I had someone who knew us both well to bounce this off of, I wish Mem were here. but as teh saying goes if wishes were fishes we would all cast nets, or for the none nautical if wishes were wings then sheep would fly.
I am angry and hurt that Main has passed a law that looks very much like the early Jim crow laws, and the early anti-Jewish laws of Hitler, or even teh laws of the Roman empire near its fall or a dozen other historical examples that never ended well for the people the laws were restricting, or the society that restricted the people. yet there is not a damn thing I can do that will make a noticable difference. But then again if I do not try then I know nothing will ever change. my heart and soul are tired and I feel like giving up and moving to canada, even thought it is far to cold up there, at least I would have the same rights as stright people take for granted.
It hurts to know that the country does not care, but what hurts worse is that my brother does not care. I am a sad and soppy, and powerless, because no change ever came from outside a person and worked in the long run.
I am tired in my soul, in my mind and in my body yet I sleep far to much, and get nothing done. Time runs short and all I can do is watch the hour glass.
"tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creep on at this petty pace, until the last syllable of recorded time. Out out brief candle life is but a poor player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing."
but I remind my self that there are no more stupid lovers in all time and space than Romeo and Juilet, who if only they had had the strength to face another day could have seen happiness, but chose to die. Fucking idiots
and i remind my self of my favorite quote, the one that drives me well at least used to drive me, now it just keeps me from giving up completely
"And this above all, to thine own self be true"
So in what is truly my fashion I will end with yet another quote to lighten this dreary monologue of text
"no trees were destoried in the creation of this message, but many electrons were terribly inconvenienced"
Questions comments and advice are welcome
What is worse is that Ian, in a way my last sibling, still does not understand and has been again and again saying he supports me, he does so in the most condescending way. let me explain. Ian has been discussing marriage on several occasions lately, and each time he talks about it as a boding and a happy union, and he talks of children. Yet when ever the topic comes up about gay marriage he always says "you have the same right to be miserable that straight people do" and he fails to see how this is condescending and quite frankly hateful. Ian while never being the most empathic of all people until a few years ago was a person of enough tact and open-mindedness to not make those statements, or at least I never saw them that way. he when he lived a life of vice and promiscuity was not a person to judge and let peoples ideas stand with out condemnation, even if he did argue to the hilt. yet now, every idea that is foreign to him is stupid, or irrelevant. Gay rights he sees as a distraction from the real problems of the day, and a waist of time, or at least he treats them that way.
I wonder weather it is he that has changed, or weather it is me. do I see more clearly the bigotedness in his words because I am trained to see the assumptions better than I ever have been before in my life, or are the assumptions new. I wonder is it I who have changed so dramatically, or weather it is he. More likely it is both, but even so I am at a loss for what to do.
I find taht I can not communicate to him what it is that makes me so upset, and when I try he see it as an attack on his values and beliefs. He says that I lack the very acceptance and tolerance that I demand in others. At times I know he is right, I have a knee jerk reaction to hate mongers, and dealers in fear. I feel like I am facing in microcosm what the country faces in macrocosm. at every point I feel I have made, and won, is just reversed or forgotten when next he sleeps, or more likely as soon as the subject is dropped.
What hurts most of all is that this man who has been my brother with all the negative and possitve associated with that, has chosen a culture, and politics, and ideology that says I am less than he. Add to this the basic inferiority I feel to teh fact that he is independent, and making more money in one year than I will see in the next 10, as well as some how having steady if not truly healthy romantic relationships I also wonder if it is not my jealousy that makes me so harsh.
I wish I knew, I wish I had someone who knew us both well to bounce this off of, I wish Mem were here. but as teh saying goes if wishes were fishes we would all cast nets, or for the none nautical if wishes were wings then sheep would fly.
I am angry and hurt that Main has passed a law that looks very much like the early Jim crow laws, and the early anti-Jewish laws of Hitler, or even teh laws of the Roman empire near its fall or a dozen other historical examples that never ended well for the people the laws were restricting, or the society that restricted the people. yet there is not a damn thing I can do that will make a noticable difference. But then again if I do not try then I know nothing will ever change. my heart and soul are tired and I feel like giving up and moving to canada, even thought it is far to cold up there, at least I would have the same rights as stright people take for granted.
It hurts to know that the country does not care, but what hurts worse is that my brother does not care. I am a sad and soppy, and powerless, because no change ever came from outside a person and worked in the long run.
I am tired in my soul, in my mind and in my body yet I sleep far to much, and get nothing done. Time runs short and all I can do is watch the hour glass.
"tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creep on at this petty pace, until the last syllable of recorded time. Out out brief candle life is but a poor player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing."
but I remind my self that there are no more stupid lovers in all time and space than Romeo and Juilet, who if only they had had the strength to face another day could have seen happiness, but chose to die. Fucking idiots
and i remind my self of my favorite quote, the one that drives me well at least used to drive me, now it just keeps me from giving up completely
"And this above all, to thine own self be true"
So in what is truly my fashion I will end with yet another quote to lighten this dreary monologue of text
"no trees were destoried in the creation of this message, but many electrons were terribly inconvenienced"
Questions comments and advice are welcome