Moping derailed!
I'd forgotten how hard it is to study when you haven't any energy! Even the drive to work lacks - all you want to do is curl up and do brainless things. I had the television on for seven hours yesterday. That is probably more than the previous three weeks combined. Sitting down to do anything that requires brain power, even my paper journaling, sees my brain skittering off in all directions very rapidly. Still, it's got to get done and some stupid flare-up isn't going to gum me up that badly!
For the last few days, I have been in constant awe that I used to live like this. This level of fatigue and this inability to focus and the sheer exhaustion used to be an every day thing. Every day. It's a little staggering to realize it: I can't remember that period very clearly, so this is a bit of re-discovery. I have come a long way from the girl with a quarter-sized amount of blood sitting on her brain, unable to speak or really understand english, unable to really read or even focus for more than a few minutes. I can now calculate 4 x 1, even when harried! I have not always been able to say that. Sure, my memory is still piecemeal (Fedora? You have a fedora? Not to mention the parts of my childhood gone forever, though that's not always a bad thing!) I have dealt with being left behind by friends when all I could do was lie in bed, I have dated, I have put up plays, hell, I've lived all alone! Sure, I exhibited some stupid behaviour recently, which landed me here, but I have come an awfully long way. That doesn't make it any easier to focus tonight, but I'll cope. Silver lining and all that, right?
(I think that, in this moment, I am happy.)
For the last few days, I have been in constant awe that I used to live like this. This level of fatigue and this inability to focus and the sheer exhaustion used to be an every day thing. Every day. It's a little staggering to realize it: I can't remember that period very clearly, so this is a bit of re-discovery. I have come a long way from the girl with a quarter-sized amount of blood sitting on her brain, unable to speak or really understand english, unable to really read or even focus for more than a few minutes. I can now calculate 4 x 1, even when harried! I have not always been able to say that. Sure, my memory is still piecemeal (Fedora? You have a fedora? Not to mention the parts of my childhood gone forever, though that's not always a bad thing!) I have dealt with being left behind by friends when all I could do was lie in bed, I have dated, I have put up plays, hell, I've lived all alone! Sure, I exhibited some stupid behaviour recently, which landed me here, but I have come an awfully long way. That doesn't make it any easier to focus tonight, but I'll cope. Silver lining and all that, right?
(I think that, in this moment, I am happy.)