[Fic] My heart will always beat for you
Title: My Heart Will Always Beat For You
Author: me!! akeru_world69
Pairing: Nishikato
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13 for mention of sex
A/N: please have in mind hat i started writting this last year, ne? Thanks to nikkimeimei for being a lovely beta and choose a title for this. thank you bb!!! i hope you like it, and tell me what do you think about it ok?
Comments are like chocolate!!! (and i need it today)
Pushing his zip up, Ryo walked away, leaving a shocked Shige behind on the floor, naked.
What was that?! Shige was just packing his stuff up in the dressing room and then Ryo grabbed his wrist, dragged him to an empty room and started kissing him.
Slowly, he put his clothes on him again and left the hall, taking his bag with him, out of the dressing room and went away.
As he reached the lift, Shige couldn’t stop thinking. Why had Ryo done that? Why him? The only thing that Ryo liked of Shige was bullying him. But suddenly, he came just like that and fucked him. Saying only three words, “On your knees.”
Other times before, Ryo had taken him without warning and kissed him, but never like that, and even more, finally doing that.
He didn’t know what to think. He has liked Ryo for almost 3 years now, but he knew the other can’t return his feelings, so he gave up on him. And now… although he had to admit he liked it, it couldn’t just be. In the end he would be the only one hurt and there’s not much time for him.
The doctor said it, right? He could fall suddenly. But then… why doesn’t he just enjoy it? To Ryo it was only fucking, a way to put the stress away. So he can just pretend that they were doing it because Ryo had feelings for him, because Ryo loved him, and it would make him a little bit less lonely…
When he exited the building, he had made it clear, and with a little smile on his lips, went through the street to the station.
It has been like this for two months already, ending rehearsals, Ryo taking him, fucking him wildly and walking away.
But Shige was starting to feel tired of it, tired of seeing Ryo’s form gone before Shige finally caught his breath again, tired of feeling so empty every time they do it, feeling so unloved.
So one day, before Ryo could leave, it was Shige who grabbed the other’s wrist, stopping him.
“What I am to you? What’s all this? Why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m having a bad time with girls and you’re a good fuck.” Ryo simply says. “Besides, if I can fuck you -or anybody, really- here, I don’t lose my precious time and can concentrate in work, right?”
“Just because of that? Nothing more?” Shige asks with a bit of disappoint in his voice.
“Yes, only because of that. Why? You thought I’ve fallen for you? Wow Shige, you’re really stupid” Ryo laughed at him. “Who in this world could fall actually for something like you?”
“Yeah… who could do that… Well, in this case I have something to say. This was the last time Nishikido-kun.” Shige push himself up and fixed his clothes.
“What? Why?” Ryo asked confused.
Shige couldn’t turn around and face Ryo, so he kept his look on the door. “You’re a good fuck, but I’m already tired of this.” and then he walked away.
For the next days, Shige avoided Ryo every time they came close to each other. It’s not like they weren’t like this before, so nobody noticed the distance.
But there was something wrong. Shige was coming late to every rehearsal, and every day he is getting paler, thinner. And that was worrying Ryo.
Although what he had said, that Shige was only a fuck, he was actually so much more. And he can’t take looking at the other getting worse, so he studied all his movements, searching for something that could show what was happening to Shige.
And that day came. Shige fell on the floor with his hands on his chest. Ryo saw him and panicked while the others screamed.
Koyama was the first to react and dragged everyone far away, begging for them to stop yelling. And when Shige said “Kei…” in a whisper holding his breath, Ryo froze.
He was afraid, he couldn’t move, only saw how Koyama ran to Shige, holding him bridal style and telling everybody that it’s okay, that it’s normal to Shige, that this had happened before and that he was taking him to the hospital.
“It’s okay Shige, I’m here… keep breathing, ne?” Koyama whispered to Shige and they disappeared.
But it’s not normal; it’s not normal for Ryo to see someone falling suddenly on the ground, chest aching and breathless. And it’s less than normal if it’s something that has happened other times.
So he went after them, following Koyama’s car to the hospital.
There, he found Koyama sitting in the waiting room, legs shaking nervously and with a worried face.
“Koyama…” he whispered.
“What are you doing here? Go back to rehearsal!!” yelled the tall boy. This was something unusual for Koyama to do.
“No. what’s wrong Koyama? Is he sick?” Ryo asked worriedly.
“No…” the older man didn’t look at him.
“Fuck Koyama! Shige is sick isn’t he?! I want to know what’s wrong with him!!” now he too was yelling. He couldn’t help it. He was worried, worried and jealous.
“He doesn’t want anybody to know. And don’t say his name like that. You don’t have the right to call him like that after what you did to him…”
“You… You knew?”
“What, that you fucked him and humiliated him and then just left him there without a word? Yes, I knew. He told me a month ago; he came to my house crying and told me everything about you two because he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. You’re a bastard you know? And I hate you for hurting him.” Koyama’s words contained venom that even stung Ryo’s heart.
“Koyama, I…”
At that moment, the doctor came.
“Fujiki-sensei!”
“Ah! Koyama-san”
“Is he ok? What happened?”
“The worst, Koyama-san. We need to go through surgery. He’s stable now but he’s in and out of sleep all the time”
“Wait, surgery? What do you mean with surgery?!” Ryo panicked and went to the doctor.
“And you are…?” asked the doctor.
“I’m a friend, Nishikido Ryo.” at that Kei snorted.
The doctor barely nodded before continuing, “Okay. We need to do the transplant immediately; we’re searching for a suitable organ donor already.”
“Eh?!” Ryo reacted.
“Can I see him, Sensei?” Koyama cut him.
“Of course. But please, don’t make him excited or nervous okay?”
“Thank you Sensei” Koyama bowed and the doctor walked away.
When he was about to go into Shige’s room, Ryo grabbed his arm.
“What is all this? Why does Shige need a transplant?” Ryo demanded.
“You don’t need to know anything, if he wants to tell you or the others, he’ll tell you, but I’m not going to tell anything when I promised him.”
Here was when Ryo exploded. He pushed Koyama to the wall and yelled at him.
“Don’t fuck with me Koyama!! What’s wrong with him??!! I need to know!!!”
“Why?? You didn’t care about him before and you used and humiliated him!!”
“I care!!! Don’t fucking say I don’t care because I do!! So tell me!! What’s happening to him??? What’s wrong with Shige???!!!”
“HE’S DYING!!!” Silence embraced them. Ryo let Koyama free, his eyes wide in horror and fear “He’s dying, Ryo.” Koyama’s voice started to shake.
“E-eh?!” Ryo couldn’t believe it. No, he didn’t believe it. “Don’t joke Koyama. Don’t joke like that because it’s not funny.”
“I’m not joking, Ryo. It’s the truth” He sat on the bench and waved Ryo to sit down too.
“He’s sick since I know him. His heart isn’t strong and because of that he becomes tired really fast. We knew he would have problems but he was doing so well… Until after we came back from hiatus. He was getting weaker by the moments, and this is the fifth time he faints like that this year… Johnny-san and I are the only ones who knows, well, and Manager-san too. He didn’t want pity from others… Now he has to go through surgery and it’s only a 55% chance that things would go well… But he’s really strong. He can win this…” Ryo doesn’t know if Koyama was trying to reassure him or himself.
“No... it can’t be. I-We are a group!! We would have noticed!! We’re together almost everyday!!”
“That’s because you look but don’t see. Because of his weak heart he can’t reach some notes, he can’t have many parts in a song. That’s why he can’t dance “without look like a duck” as you always say and his movements are a bit different. He tries so hard… even when he’s exhausted and shouldn’t continue because he could have an attack again, he just says, ‘It’s ok, Koyama’ or ‘I’m fine Koyama’, and his favourite, ‘I don’t want to disappoint them, I won’t be a burden for them’ and continues dancing.”
Ryo was shocked, realization making his way through him. Koyama continued looking at his eyes.
“And what did you do all this time? Insult him and depreciate him with your fucking poisoned tongue, saying that he’s the worst, that you didn’t know how a nerd could be in the group, that he’s not worth it when he is the only one who is worth it.”
Koyama was infuriated. He really liked Ryo-chan, but the other was always hurting his best friend. So he was going to take this chance and tell everything.
“He never complained, he took all the shit that you threw at him, never fighting back, only saying that he was trying his best. He took it all and never said anything about his illness, because he didn’t want to be a burden more than what he was already. He was just a kid then... He could only cry. You don’t know how much he cried, how many sleepless nights I tried to calm him, to reassure him, trying to make him not leave NEWS, not leave us. All because of you, because your arrogance and your ego and your ‘I’m-the-best’ thing. But this few months you broke him totally.”
Ryo didn’t say anything after that, nor did Koyama. He just lowered his face, regretting all the times he pestered Shige about everything he did, all the times he had been with Shige and not telling him anything, anything about how he really felt for the younger one. The truth was that he said those things to Shige because he was shy. He couldn’t say anything that he really wanted to say to him, tell him that he could see how Shige was trying hard, how he was improving with his dance and how good his songs really were. No, he just let bad words make their way past his lips.
He lifted his head again when he felt Koyama leave for Shige’s room. He wanted to go too, but it was best if he leaves the other two alone for a bit, and calms himself too. So he waited there, thinking about those times he was with Shige after rehearsal, how Shige’s lips felt against his own, how his hand caressed Shige’s body, trying to feel every part of it and remembering it, and how his heart ached every time he left the room. Did Shige feel the same every time he saw Ryo leaving? Oh man, what son of a bitch he was…
About 40 minutes later, Koyama reappeared in the room. Ryo stood up immediately.
“I’m going for a cup of coffee. He’s sleeping right now, but I don’t want you to come in. He can wake up and it’s not the best if he sees you…”
With that, Koyama left. And when Ryo was sure the taller man was out of sight, he went inside Shige’s room.
When he entered the room, he froze. Seeing Shige lying there, so pale, connected to all those machines was so painful… Shige was sleeping, peacefully, but his breath was a bit erratic, his forehead wet with sweat, those lips that were always so red were now white. He started to walk to him and he heard Shige whispering something.
“What is it? What is it Shige?” He went to his side, trying to understand him.
“R-Ryo… Ryo…”
Ryo’s eyes widened. Shige was calling him in his sleep! Even after all that he did to the younger man, he was calling him…
He fell to his knees and started crying again, wrapping Shige’s hand tightly.
“I’m sorry Shige, I’m so sorry… I’m a bastard, a fucking and coward bastard who hurt you because of his own fears… I’m sorry…” He sobbed hard.
“Didn’t I tell you to not come here?” Koyama’s voice came from behind.
“I love him, Koyama. I love him…”
“No Ryo, you don’t love him. People don’t hurt the ones they love”
“I was afraid!! I-I was afraid of… rejection, hate… I don’t even know. So I thought that, that if I cornered him, he couldn’t go away, he couldn’t reject me… I know, I was wrong but… I couldn’t stand this anymore. I needed him… However, every time he asked me the whys, I-I can’t say the truth… it’s the same in rehearsals, I know he has improved, everyone saw it, and I want to say ‘Good job, Shige’, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll catch it, just a bit more’, but the words just won’t come out!” He couldn’t look at Koyama. His eyes were red, he was ashamed. He opted for looking at the floor instead.
“And it’s frustrating, seeing the one you care the most hating you more and more and you can’t do anything to change it because those words, Just. Won’t. Fucking. Get. Out.”
He then felt a hand on his shoulder.
“He always loved you, Ryo. Since more than three years ago. But he can’t bear it anymore. He just wanted you to accept him, to say a gentle word to him, just one.” Koyama explained gently.
“I know, I know… And now I’m gonna lose him. I can go with him hating me, but I can’t live without seeing him, just knowing he’s not there.”
“We’re not going to lose him. He’s strong Ryo. He endured so much until now… and he’s not gonna stop here, not like this, not because of this…” He pulled Ryo on his feet again. “Tell him. Tell him what you told me when he wakes up, when all this passes. For now, just be there for him, try to get his pardon. Be his friend. And apologize to him”
“B-But wha-what if… if he…”
“That’s not going to happen. He’s not going to leave us, he told me. He’s not a lawyer yet too” Koyama tried to smile. “So go, before he wakes up and have another heart attack.” He chuckled.
“Yeah, you’re right. But we have to tell the others. We’re a group.”
“Yes, but Shige will tell them. I’ll call you all when he’s better ok?”
“Ok…” Ryo went to the door but stopped with his hand in the handle “Koyama, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“I expect you to.” And with that he left.
And the days passed. Ryo went everyday to see Shige. At first, the younger had tried to make him leave and almost had another attack, but Ryo didn’t give up. He came back again and again even if Shige screamed, insulted him or thrown things at him (it happened once, thank god it was just a book). Shige told the others about his illness. They were shocked for not noticing before, some of them (a.k.a Yamapi) apologized for thinking bad about him when they debuted, others (named Tegoshi and Koyama) cried a bit, and others… well just Massu, tried to cheer him a bit with comforting words and gentles smiles. After that, Yamapi promised to talk with their manager to stop NewS activities and wait for Shige to get well soon. They talked a bit but soon all of them sans Koyama went to their dressing room to discuss what would happen to NewS.
The next day, as always, Ryo was there. He opened the room’s door and was greeted with… silence.
“What, not books flying today? Shit, now that I came with my shield…” Koyama smiled at him from the chair and Shige just looked at the window.
“He thought that maybe if he ignores you, you’ll get bored and go away”
“Too bad, that’s not going to happen. And you call yourself a genius?” Ryo said, but he was smiling when he said it. Shige just signed.
“Ok, I’ll leave you too alone” Koyama stood up and took his bag.
“Koyama!!!” the younger one couldn’t believe his best friend.
“What? I have things to do too, you know?”
“Traitor…” Shige murmured. The other two just chuckled.
When Koyama left the room, Ryo went near the other, but Shige looked away.
“Shige.” Shige turned away his head more.
“Shige, look at me.”
“Don’t want to.”
“Fuck Shige! Why are you so stubborn?” He yelled.
“If you’re here to yell and make me nervous, better get out.”
“Sorry, sorry. I just… Why can we talk like normal people?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Is it because of what I did to you? Shige, I apologized already!!! I’m trying to change!! Why can’t you forgive me??”
“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO!!” Shige yelled, but in a second he was breathless. Ryo ran to him and put the oxygen mask on his face.
“Shh, don’t yell Shige, I’m sorry. But please, relax, ok? Calm down and try to breathe…” Ryo tsked “I… I’ll just leave” He went to take his things but stopped when he heard Shige whispering.
“I don’t want to forgive you because I can’t. Because if I forgive you, if I forgive you… I can’t go there without more fears. I can’t go there thinking that I’ll leave all of you behind, that I can’t see anyone anymore… that I can’t see you anymore.” Tears ran through his cheeks as he was looking at Ryo. “If I accept you and then I… I d-”
“No, no. Don’t say it” Ryo ran to him and dried his tears with his thumb. “That’s not going to happen. You’re going to make it, You’ll come back to us… to me. A-And we can be t-together, start again…”
“I’m afraid, Ryo. I can’t do it… I‘m afraid.” He sobbed in Ryo’s shoulder. The older embraced him.
“I know, but you can do it, I know you can… And I’ll be waiting for you, so I can say everything I want, to you properly, and you can accept me. Ok” Ryo kissed his head sweetly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here. We’ll be here. You can do it.”
Someone coughed from behind.
“Sorry for disturbing, but it’s important” the doctor called from the door “We have a donor.”
Ryo stood up without letting go of Shige’s hand because the younger started to shake.
“Are you sure, Sensei?” He tightened his grip on Shige
“Yes. We have to get Kato-san ready for the surgery.”
“A-Already?” asked Shige “No… I can’t. I-I’m not ready. I didn’t see my parents, Kei’s not here, the other’s are not here… Ryo… no…”
“I’m sorry, but we can’t wait. Your heart is too weak as it is. We have to do it now.”
“No… no… I can’t… no…” Shige shook his head, fear evident in his eyes.
“Shige. Shige, look at me” Ryo took his head between his hands.
“Everything is gonna be ok. You’re gonna go in, I’ll call your parents and the others and you’ll see them in a few hours ok? I’ll be waiting for you.” He said with fear in his voice.
Shige looked at his eyes for a bit and slowly nodded.
“I need you to kick my ass every time I behave like a bastard. Don’t make me wait too much.” He smiled a bit.
“Nishikido-san, we need you to leave the room”
He nodded and walked out, winking at Shige before closing the door.
****
When they took Shige out of his room, Koyama, Yamapi and Shige’s parents were there already with Ryo.
Koyama went to Shige first after his parents kissed him, even if he couldn’t talk because of the oxygen mask
“Geshi, I want my bestfriend, no, my brother back in a while ok? The fans are waiting for ‘Chirarizumu part 3’”. He hugged the other and let space for their leader.
“NEWS has a quiz show in two weeks and we need our genius there… Be strong, Shige.” Yamapi squeezed his hand with reassuring eyes.
The last one was Ryo, who took his hand and smiled a bit.
“…. See you soon, Shige.” He let the hand go and walked away, trying hard not to cry while seeing the nurses take Shige to the elevators. Ryo felt something in his hand. A note from Shige. He opened it and after reading it, he stormed to the elevators, the others calling him.
“Wait!! WAIT!!!” He stopped Shige’s bed and went to him, he took Shige’s mask out with trembling hands and kissed him on the lips, pouring all his feeling in it. He broke the kiss and with just a few inches between them he whispered.
“I love you too.”
And the nurses went into the elevator, Shige still looking at him with a tear running through his cheek.
When the door closed, Ryo fell on his knees sobbing hard.
******************
It has been 5 hours since the surgery started and now everybody was there. NEWS, KAT-TUN, Arashi, a few sempais and dai-sempais, Kusano, Uchi, some Kanjani8 too, Yabu, Hikaru and Inoo, Yamashita Shoon, even Koyama’s mother, who was holding Shige’s mother’s hand. Some of them were chatting lowly, other’s were in the cafeteria.
Koyama was walking around, giving coffee to a few of them with Yamapi. He offered one to Ryo, but he didn’t take it, he didn’t move at all, lost in his thoughts just as he has been since him and Pi sat him there.
Koyama sighed.
“He didn’t take it, right?” Asked Yamapi
“No. He just sits there, like an empty body. I don’t know what would happen if Shige d…”
“He will be ok when Shige comes back. Just a bit more…”
And as if God has heard him, the door of the surgery room opened and made all of them stand up. The doctor walked out of the room and stopped at the doorframe, looking at them with an unreadable face…….
Two weeks later
“What was Lenin’s real name?”
.
.
.
.
Someone lifted his hand
“Vladimir Ilitch Ulianov.”
“Correct!!! And with this last question, our winners are NEWS!!”
All the people in the studio applauded and cheered for them. All 6 members of NEWS went to the front and bowed to the audience, two hands linked together behind their backs.
A/N: needed tissues?? ^^ i started writting this when my gandma was in the hospital, and after 3 months, she died, so i think that was why i stopped writting this. But today i could finish it, so i'm really glad. like it?? hate it?? didn't understand anything at all?? let me know!!
Author: me!! akeru_world69
Pairing: Nishikato
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13 for mention of sex
A/N: please have in mind hat i started writting this last year, ne? Thanks to nikkimeimei for being a lovely beta and choose a title for this. thank you bb!!! i hope you like it, and tell me what do you think about it ok?
Comments are like chocolate!!! (and i need it today)
Pushing his zip up, Ryo walked away, leaving a shocked Shige behind on the floor, naked.
What was that?! Shige was just packing his stuff up in the dressing room and then Ryo grabbed his wrist, dragged him to an empty room and started kissing him.
Slowly, he put his clothes on him again and left the hall, taking his bag with him, out of the dressing room and went away.
As he reached the lift, Shige couldn’t stop thinking. Why had Ryo done that? Why him? The only thing that Ryo liked of Shige was bullying him. But suddenly, he came just like that and fucked him. Saying only three words, “On your knees.”
Other times before, Ryo had taken him without warning and kissed him, but never like that, and even more, finally doing that.
He didn’t know what to think. He has liked Ryo for almost 3 years now, but he knew the other can’t return his feelings, so he gave up on him. And now… although he had to admit he liked it, it couldn’t just be. In the end he would be the only one hurt and there’s not much time for him.
The doctor said it, right? He could fall suddenly. But then… why doesn’t he just enjoy it? To Ryo it was only fucking, a way to put the stress away. So he can just pretend that they were doing it because Ryo had feelings for him, because Ryo loved him, and it would make him a little bit less lonely…
When he exited the building, he had made it clear, and with a little smile on his lips, went through the street to the station.
It has been like this for two months already, ending rehearsals, Ryo taking him, fucking him wildly and walking away.
But Shige was starting to feel tired of it, tired of seeing Ryo’s form gone before Shige finally caught his breath again, tired of feeling so empty every time they do it, feeling so unloved.
So one day, before Ryo could leave, it was Shige who grabbed the other’s wrist, stopping him.
“What I am to you? What’s all this? Why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m having a bad time with girls and you’re a good fuck.” Ryo simply says. “Besides, if I can fuck you -or anybody, really- here, I don’t lose my precious time and can concentrate in work, right?”
“Just because of that? Nothing more?” Shige asks with a bit of disappoint in his voice.
“Yes, only because of that. Why? You thought I’ve fallen for you? Wow Shige, you’re really stupid” Ryo laughed at him. “Who in this world could fall actually for something like you?”
“Yeah… who could do that… Well, in this case I have something to say. This was the last time Nishikido-kun.” Shige push himself up and fixed his clothes.
“What? Why?” Ryo asked confused.
Shige couldn’t turn around and face Ryo, so he kept his look on the door. “You’re a good fuck, but I’m already tired of this.” and then he walked away.
For the next days, Shige avoided Ryo every time they came close to each other. It’s not like they weren’t like this before, so nobody noticed the distance.
But there was something wrong. Shige was coming late to every rehearsal, and every day he is getting paler, thinner. And that was worrying Ryo.
Although what he had said, that Shige was only a fuck, he was actually so much more. And he can’t take looking at the other getting worse, so he studied all his movements, searching for something that could show what was happening to Shige.
And that day came. Shige fell on the floor with his hands on his chest. Ryo saw him and panicked while the others screamed.
Koyama was the first to react and dragged everyone far away, begging for them to stop yelling. And when Shige said “Kei…” in a whisper holding his breath, Ryo froze.
He was afraid, he couldn’t move, only saw how Koyama ran to Shige, holding him bridal style and telling everybody that it’s okay, that it’s normal to Shige, that this had happened before and that he was taking him to the hospital.
“It’s okay Shige, I’m here… keep breathing, ne?” Koyama whispered to Shige and they disappeared.
But it’s not normal; it’s not normal for Ryo to see someone falling suddenly on the ground, chest aching and breathless. And it’s less than normal if it’s something that has happened other times.
So he went after them, following Koyama’s car to the hospital.
There, he found Koyama sitting in the waiting room, legs shaking nervously and with a worried face.
“Koyama…” he whispered.
“What are you doing here? Go back to rehearsal!!” yelled the tall boy. This was something unusual for Koyama to do.
“No. what’s wrong Koyama? Is he sick?” Ryo asked worriedly.
“No…” the older man didn’t look at him.
“Fuck Koyama! Shige is sick isn’t he?! I want to know what’s wrong with him!!” now he too was yelling. He couldn’t help it. He was worried, worried and jealous.
“He doesn’t want anybody to know. And don’t say his name like that. You don’t have the right to call him like that after what you did to him…”
“You… You knew?”
“What, that you fucked him and humiliated him and then just left him there without a word? Yes, I knew. He told me a month ago; he came to my house crying and told me everything about you two because he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. You’re a bastard you know? And I hate you for hurting him.” Koyama’s words contained venom that even stung Ryo’s heart.
“Koyama, I…”
At that moment, the doctor came.
“Fujiki-sensei!”
“Ah! Koyama-san”
“Is he ok? What happened?”
“The worst, Koyama-san. We need to go through surgery. He’s stable now but he’s in and out of sleep all the time”
“Wait, surgery? What do you mean with surgery?!” Ryo panicked and went to the doctor.
“And you are…?” asked the doctor.
“I’m a friend, Nishikido Ryo.” at that Kei snorted.
The doctor barely nodded before continuing, “Okay. We need to do the transplant immediately; we’re searching for a suitable organ donor already.”
“Eh?!” Ryo reacted.
“Can I see him, Sensei?” Koyama cut him.
“Of course. But please, don’t make him excited or nervous okay?”
“Thank you Sensei” Koyama bowed and the doctor walked away.
When he was about to go into Shige’s room, Ryo grabbed his arm.
“What is all this? Why does Shige need a transplant?” Ryo demanded.
“You don’t need to know anything, if he wants to tell you or the others, he’ll tell you, but I’m not going to tell anything when I promised him.”
Here was when Ryo exploded. He pushed Koyama to the wall and yelled at him.
“Don’t fuck with me Koyama!! What’s wrong with him??!! I need to know!!!”
“Why?? You didn’t care about him before and you used and humiliated him!!”
“I care!!! Don’t fucking say I don’t care because I do!! So tell me!! What’s happening to him??? What’s wrong with Shige???!!!”
“HE’S DYING!!!” Silence embraced them. Ryo let Koyama free, his eyes wide in horror and fear “He’s dying, Ryo.” Koyama’s voice started to shake.
“E-eh?!” Ryo couldn’t believe it. No, he didn’t believe it. “Don’t joke Koyama. Don’t joke like that because it’s not funny.”
“I’m not joking, Ryo. It’s the truth” He sat on the bench and waved Ryo to sit down too.
“He’s sick since I know him. His heart isn’t strong and because of that he becomes tired really fast. We knew he would have problems but he was doing so well… Until after we came back from hiatus. He was getting weaker by the moments, and this is the fifth time he faints like that this year… Johnny-san and I are the only ones who knows, well, and Manager-san too. He didn’t want pity from others… Now he has to go through surgery and it’s only a 55% chance that things would go well… But he’s really strong. He can win this…” Ryo doesn’t know if Koyama was trying to reassure him or himself.
“No... it can’t be. I-We are a group!! We would have noticed!! We’re together almost everyday!!”
“That’s because you look but don’t see. Because of his weak heart he can’t reach some notes, he can’t have many parts in a song. That’s why he can’t dance “without look like a duck” as you always say and his movements are a bit different. He tries so hard… even when he’s exhausted and shouldn’t continue because he could have an attack again, he just says, ‘It’s ok, Koyama’ or ‘I’m fine Koyama’, and his favourite, ‘I don’t want to disappoint them, I won’t be a burden for them’ and continues dancing.”
Ryo was shocked, realization making his way through him. Koyama continued looking at his eyes.
“And what did you do all this time? Insult him and depreciate him with your fucking poisoned tongue, saying that he’s the worst, that you didn’t know how a nerd could be in the group, that he’s not worth it when he is the only one who is worth it.”
Koyama was infuriated. He really liked Ryo-chan, but the other was always hurting his best friend. So he was going to take this chance and tell everything.
“He never complained, he took all the shit that you threw at him, never fighting back, only saying that he was trying his best. He took it all and never said anything about his illness, because he didn’t want to be a burden more than what he was already. He was just a kid then... He could only cry. You don’t know how much he cried, how many sleepless nights I tried to calm him, to reassure him, trying to make him not leave NEWS, not leave us. All because of you, because your arrogance and your ego and your ‘I’m-the-best’ thing. But this few months you broke him totally.”
Ryo didn’t say anything after that, nor did Koyama. He just lowered his face, regretting all the times he pestered Shige about everything he did, all the times he had been with Shige and not telling him anything, anything about how he really felt for the younger one. The truth was that he said those things to Shige because he was shy. He couldn’t say anything that he really wanted to say to him, tell him that he could see how Shige was trying hard, how he was improving with his dance and how good his songs really were. No, he just let bad words make their way past his lips.
He lifted his head again when he felt Koyama leave for Shige’s room. He wanted to go too, but it was best if he leaves the other two alone for a bit, and calms himself too. So he waited there, thinking about those times he was with Shige after rehearsal, how Shige’s lips felt against his own, how his hand caressed Shige’s body, trying to feel every part of it and remembering it, and how his heart ached every time he left the room. Did Shige feel the same every time he saw Ryo leaving? Oh man, what son of a bitch he was…
About 40 minutes later, Koyama reappeared in the room. Ryo stood up immediately.
“I’m going for a cup of coffee. He’s sleeping right now, but I don’t want you to come in. He can wake up and it’s not the best if he sees you…”
With that, Koyama left. And when Ryo was sure the taller man was out of sight, he went inside Shige’s room.
When he entered the room, he froze. Seeing Shige lying there, so pale, connected to all those machines was so painful… Shige was sleeping, peacefully, but his breath was a bit erratic, his forehead wet with sweat, those lips that were always so red were now white. He started to walk to him and he heard Shige whispering something.
“What is it? What is it Shige?” He went to his side, trying to understand him.
“R-Ryo… Ryo…”
Ryo’s eyes widened. Shige was calling him in his sleep! Even after all that he did to the younger man, he was calling him…
He fell to his knees and started crying again, wrapping Shige’s hand tightly.
“I’m sorry Shige, I’m so sorry… I’m a bastard, a fucking and coward bastard who hurt you because of his own fears… I’m sorry…” He sobbed hard.
“Didn’t I tell you to not come here?” Koyama’s voice came from behind.
“I love him, Koyama. I love him…”
“No Ryo, you don’t love him. People don’t hurt the ones they love”
“I was afraid!! I-I was afraid of… rejection, hate… I don’t even know. So I thought that, that if I cornered him, he couldn’t go away, he couldn’t reject me… I know, I was wrong but… I couldn’t stand this anymore. I needed him… However, every time he asked me the whys, I-I can’t say the truth… it’s the same in rehearsals, I know he has improved, everyone saw it, and I want to say ‘Good job, Shige’, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll catch it, just a bit more’, but the words just won’t come out!” He couldn’t look at Koyama. His eyes were red, he was ashamed. He opted for looking at the floor instead.
“And it’s frustrating, seeing the one you care the most hating you more and more and you can’t do anything to change it because those words, Just. Won’t. Fucking. Get. Out.”
He then felt a hand on his shoulder.
“He always loved you, Ryo. Since more than three years ago. But he can’t bear it anymore. He just wanted you to accept him, to say a gentle word to him, just one.” Koyama explained gently.
“I know, I know… And now I’m gonna lose him. I can go with him hating me, but I can’t live without seeing him, just knowing he’s not there.”
“We’re not going to lose him. He’s strong Ryo. He endured so much until now… and he’s not gonna stop here, not like this, not because of this…” He pulled Ryo on his feet again. “Tell him. Tell him what you told me when he wakes up, when all this passes. For now, just be there for him, try to get his pardon. Be his friend. And apologize to him”
“B-But wha-what if… if he…”
“That’s not going to happen. He’s not going to leave us, he told me. He’s not a lawyer yet too” Koyama tried to smile. “So go, before he wakes up and have another heart attack.” He chuckled.
“Yeah, you’re right. But we have to tell the others. We’re a group.”
“Yes, but Shige will tell them. I’ll call you all when he’s better ok?”
“Ok…” Ryo went to the door but stopped with his hand in the handle “Koyama, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“I expect you to.” And with that he left.
And the days passed. Ryo went everyday to see Shige. At first, the younger had tried to make him leave and almost had another attack, but Ryo didn’t give up. He came back again and again even if Shige screamed, insulted him or thrown things at him (it happened once, thank god it was just a book). Shige told the others about his illness. They were shocked for not noticing before, some of them (a.k.a Yamapi) apologized for thinking bad about him when they debuted, others (named Tegoshi and Koyama) cried a bit, and others… well just Massu, tried to cheer him a bit with comforting words and gentles smiles. After that, Yamapi promised to talk with their manager to stop NewS activities and wait for Shige to get well soon. They talked a bit but soon all of them sans Koyama went to their dressing room to discuss what would happen to NewS.
The next day, as always, Ryo was there. He opened the room’s door and was greeted with… silence.
“What, not books flying today? Shit, now that I came with my shield…” Koyama smiled at him from the chair and Shige just looked at the window.
“He thought that maybe if he ignores you, you’ll get bored and go away”
“Too bad, that’s not going to happen. And you call yourself a genius?” Ryo said, but he was smiling when he said it. Shige just signed.
“Ok, I’ll leave you too alone” Koyama stood up and took his bag.
“Koyama!!!” the younger one couldn’t believe his best friend.
“What? I have things to do too, you know?”
“Traitor…” Shige murmured. The other two just chuckled.
When Koyama left the room, Ryo went near the other, but Shige looked away.
“Shige.” Shige turned away his head more.
“Shige, look at me.”
“Don’t want to.”
“Fuck Shige! Why are you so stubborn?” He yelled.
“If you’re here to yell and make me nervous, better get out.”
“Sorry, sorry. I just… Why can we talk like normal people?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Is it because of what I did to you? Shige, I apologized already!!! I’m trying to change!! Why can’t you forgive me??”
“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO!!” Shige yelled, but in a second he was breathless. Ryo ran to him and put the oxygen mask on his face.
“Shh, don’t yell Shige, I’m sorry. But please, relax, ok? Calm down and try to breathe…” Ryo tsked “I… I’ll just leave” He went to take his things but stopped when he heard Shige whispering.
“I don’t want to forgive you because I can’t. Because if I forgive you, if I forgive you… I can’t go there without more fears. I can’t go there thinking that I’ll leave all of you behind, that I can’t see anyone anymore… that I can’t see you anymore.” Tears ran through his cheeks as he was looking at Ryo. “If I accept you and then I… I d-”
“No, no. Don’t say it” Ryo ran to him and dried his tears with his thumb. “That’s not going to happen. You’re going to make it, You’ll come back to us… to me. A-And we can be t-together, start again…”
“I’m afraid, Ryo. I can’t do it… I‘m afraid.” He sobbed in Ryo’s shoulder. The older embraced him.
“I know, but you can do it, I know you can… And I’ll be waiting for you, so I can say everything I want, to you properly, and you can accept me. Ok” Ryo kissed his head sweetly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here. We’ll be here. You can do it.”
Someone coughed from behind.
“Sorry for disturbing, but it’s important” the doctor called from the door “We have a donor.”
Ryo stood up without letting go of Shige’s hand because the younger started to shake.
“Are you sure, Sensei?” He tightened his grip on Shige
“Yes. We have to get Kato-san ready for the surgery.”
“A-Already?” asked Shige “No… I can’t. I-I’m not ready. I didn’t see my parents, Kei’s not here, the other’s are not here… Ryo… no…”
“I’m sorry, but we can’t wait. Your heart is too weak as it is. We have to do it now.”
“No… no… I can’t… no…” Shige shook his head, fear evident in his eyes.
“Shige. Shige, look at me” Ryo took his head between his hands.
“Everything is gonna be ok. You’re gonna go in, I’ll call your parents and the others and you’ll see them in a few hours ok? I’ll be waiting for you.” He said with fear in his voice.
Shige looked at his eyes for a bit and slowly nodded.
“I need you to kick my ass every time I behave like a bastard. Don’t make me wait too much.” He smiled a bit.
“Nishikido-san, we need you to leave the room”
He nodded and walked out, winking at Shige before closing the door.
****
When they took Shige out of his room, Koyama, Yamapi and Shige’s parents were there already with Ryo.
Koyama went to Shige first after his parents kissed him, even if he couldn’t talk because of the oxygen mask
“Geshi, I want my bestfriend, no, my brother back in a while ok? The fans are waiting for ‘Chirarizumu part 3’”. He hugged the other and let space for their leader.
“NEWS has a quiz show in two weeks and we need our genius there… Be strong, Shige.” Yamapi squeezed his hand with reassuring eyes.
The last one was Ryo, who took his hand and smiled a bit.
“…. See you soon, Shige.” He let the hand go and walked away, trying hard not to cry while seeing the nurses take Shige to the elevators. Ryo felt something in his hand. A note from Shige. He opened it and after reading it, he stormed to the elevators, the others calling him.
“Wait!! WAIT!!!” He stopped Shige’s bed and went to him, he took Shige’s mask out with trembling hands and kissed him on the lips, pouring all his feeling in it. He broke the kiss and with just a few inches between them he whispered.
“I love you too.”
And the nurses went into the elevator, Shige still looking at him with a tear running through his cheek.
When the door closed, Ryo fell on his knees sobbing hard.
******************
It has been 5 hours since the surgery started and now everybody was there. NEWS, KAT-TUN, Arashi, a few sempais and dai-sempais, Kusano, Uchi, some Kanjani8 too, Yabu, Hikaru and Inoo, Yamashita Shoon, even Koyama’s mother, who was holding Shige’s mother’s hand. Some of them were chatting lowly, other’s were in the cafeteria.
Koyama was walking around, giving coffee to a few of them with Yamapi. He offered one to Ryo, but he didn’t take it, he didn’t move at all, lost in his thoughts just as he has been since him and Pi sat him there.
Koyama sighed.
“He didn’t take it, right?” Asked Yamapi
“No. He just sits there, like an empty body. I don’t know what would happen if Shige d…”
“He will be ok when Shige comes back. Just a bit more…”
And as if God has heard him, the door of the surgery room opened and made all of them stand up. The doctor walked out of the room and stopped at the doorframe, looking at them with an unreadable face…….
Two weeks later
“What was Lenin’s real name?”
.
.
.
.
Someone lifted his hand
“Vladimir Ilitch Ulianov.”
“Correct!!! And with this last question, our winners are NEWS!!”
All the people in the studio applauded and cheered for them. All 6 members of NEWS went to the front and bowed to the audience, two hands linked together behind their backs.
A/N: needed tissues?? ^^ i started writting this when my gandma was in the hospital, and after 3 months, she died, so i think that was why i stopped writting this. But today i could finish it, so i'm really glad. like it?? hate it?? didn't understand anything at all?? let me know!!