(no subject)
So I feel like I've gotten myself into a mostly negative situation, and I'm not positive on how best to get myself out of it. Living at home is driving me insane, and reverting me to the apathetic-cave life for the most part. This is something that I worked hard to get out of when I was living with Aaron, and while I wasn't entirely successful, I can blame that on the large amount of pot use. I'm not smoking really right now, and I'm feeling worse than I can remember feeling in the last two years.
The living situation here just sucks. I have practically no space to myself, and thus I have to keep all my possessions in storage. I've got my Xbox, my computer and a (horribly unreliable) internet connection. And I can't get online with my Xbox because of how the internet is set up here, so that limits what I really feel capable of doing with it. Because I'm living in my mom's study, pretty much all the floor space that is open to me is taken up by my bed. I don't even have any real place to put clothes away, so they're still in garbage bags.
I really need to get out of here, but there's no place that I can go. Since Aaron left I'm realizing that there's only a handful of people that I could even see living with, and that's only in better situations. Everyone either already has ideal living situations for them, or are in a position where I don't feel like I can trust them with money. The one alternative that I was originally going to go with is a married couple with a kid. I hate kids. I figured I'd be able to tolerate it or learn to live with it for a while, but the more I think about it the more I think that would end up negatively for everyone involved.
I'm at the point now that people that I have always considered a definite no are becoming openly debatable suggestions. Mostly considered no over past history regarding money. I don't make enough money to be able to allow people to lean on me, and even if I did I don't want to be in that situation again. I was in it before (though admittedly not horrible comparably) and it's not something that I want to go back to. So I'd require some kind of guarantees that it wouldn't happen, and unfortunately, I don't think that I can see that working out.
I'm sure it doesn't really help that I'm such a night owl, otherwise it might open up other possibilities. I don't think that I can live with people who aren't on a reasonably similar schedule, however, because there'd be too many conflictions. I think it'd end up worse than my current situation, but it's hard to say. Lucky for me most everyone I know is on a similar living schedule, so that's not a total issue.
I've also been debating just staying here and saving money until I can move out of town. Like just stay here and save until August and move to Oregon. The thing is that I really don't want to live here that long. I worry that I'd end up in a much worse place mentally and physically if I stay in this house that long.
I'm noticing myself not eating as much anymore. And I was bad about eating when I was on 6th st, but I'm eating maybe a meal and a half a day anymore. It's just getting hard for me to care about anything. I'm realizing more and more how little I like my job anymore, and while it's bringing in some decent money right now, that's obviously not going to do anything to contribute to my mental health. It'll probably be more degrading than anything else.
There's a part of me that's thought about living alone again, because I did okay over at Copper Star. I don't think that'll work so well, though, if for no other reason than I really want someone to talk to and hang out with and everything. Not to mention more expensive, but that I could probably deal with if I got a cheap enough place. I'm just pretty sure it wouldn't be much better than here in terms of my mental health.
So if anyone has any suggestions on something I can do, or maybe other options that I haven't considered, I'd greatly appreciate it. Every day I'm feeling a bit more constrained here.
And you know the internet's bad when it takes me a fucking half hour to get this to post because the entire goddamn system keeps timing out. It's FIFTEEN FUCKING KILOBYTES. I'm on CABLE. This should take me less than a goddamn second.
The living situation here just sucks. I have practically no space to myself, and thus I have to keep all my possessions in storage. I've got my Xbox, my computer and a (horribly unreliable) internet connection. And I can't get online with my Xbox because of how the internet is set up here, so that limits what I really feel capable of doing with it. Because I'm living in my mom's study, pretty much all the floor space that is open to me is taken up by my bed. I don't even have any real place to put clothes away, so they're still in garbage bags.
I really need to get out of here, but there's no place that I can go. Since Aaron left I'm realizing that there's only a handful of people that I could even see living with, and that's only in better situations. Everyone either already has ideal living situations for them, or are in a position where I don't feel like I can trust them with money. The one alternative that I was originally going to go with is a married couple with a kid. I hate kids. I figured I'd be able to tolerate it or learn to live with it for a while, but the more I think about it the more I think that would end up negatively for everyone involved.
I'm at the point now that people that I have always considered a definite no are becoming openly debatable suggestions. Mostly considered no over past history regarding money. I don't make enough money to be able to allow people to lean on me, and even if I did I don't want to be in that situation again. I was in it before (though admittedly not horrible comparably) and it's not something that I want to go back to. So I'd require some kind of guarantees that it wouldn't happen, and unfortunately, I don't think that I can see that working out.
I'm sure it doesn't really help that I'm such a night owl, otherwise it might open up other possibilities. I don't think that I can live with people who aren't on a reasonably similar schedule, however, because there'd be too many conflictions. I think it'd end up worse than my current situation, but it's hard to say. Lucky for me most everyone I know is on a similar living schedule, so that's not a total issue.
I've also been debating just staying here and saving money until I can move out of town. Like just stay here and save until August and move to Oregon. The thing is that I really don't want to live here that long. I worry that I'd end up in a much worse place mentally and physically if I stay in this house that long.
I'm noticing myself not eating as much anymore. And I was bad about eating when I was on 6th st, but I'm eating maybe a meal and a half a day anymore. It's just getting hard for me to care about anything. I'm realizing more and more how little I like my job anymore, and while it's bringing in some decent money right now, that's obviously not going to do anything to contribute to my mental health. It'll probably be more degrading than anything else.
There's a part of me that's thought about living alone again, because I did okay over at Copper Star. I don't think that'll work so well, though, if for no other reason than I really want someone to talk to and hang out with and everything. Not to mention more expensive, but that I could probably deal with if I got a cheap enough place. I'm just pretty sure it wouldn't be much better than here in terms of my mental health.
So if anyone has any suggestions on something I can do, or maybe other options that I haven't considered, I'd greatly appreciate it. Every day I'm feeling a bit more constrained here.
And you know the internet's bad when it takes me a fucking half hour to get this to post because the entire goddamn system keeps timing out. It's FIFTEEN FUCKING KILOBYTES. I'm on CABLE. This should take me less than a goddamn second.