Wtf.
So, my friend celticoak and I got into a conversation about Akatsuki x Sakura on MSN. And we realized Kisame and Kakuzu haven't been paired with Sakura 'cause they're too ugly. And THEN, we got this great idea that Kisame and Kakuzu can just pair up with each other! LAWL OTP ♥ I got inspired so I wrote a drabble... totally crack here, folks. xD; I'm not sure it's the good kind of the crack or the crack that's not funny and a waste of time-- I guess that's up to you! :S Anyways, let me know what you think~ and remember, this is NOT serious. xD
Rated, erm... not exactly mature, but not exactly teen either. xD Well, I'll let you decide.
Warning: Itachi/Deidara/Sasori/Hidan smexing Sakura, lots of smex talk xD;, MAJOR YAOI-- besides KisaKaku, there's ex-ItaKisa and ex-KakuHidan. xD, language, and ehm I think that's it.
FYI: I actually love ItaSaku, and DeiSaku too. I'm not making fun of these pairings OR Sakura. xD It appears that I am but it's just for the fic-- I'm not saying Sakura's a slut or anything, promise. ♥
ONE MORE THING! THIS IS EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY OOC. xD I wasn't trying to keep the characters IC here, because what would be the fun of that? It's like they're totally different people, it's so OOC. D: Wow, the more of these warnings I put make me realize how bad this fic really is... 8D;;
A heavy sigh escaped Kisame's lips as he watched Itachi, Deidara, deadbutnotrly!Sasori, and Hidan molest Sakura in the dark room across the hallway. The series of moans coming from the room made Kisame sick to his stomach. The room used to be where they hid the dead bodies they killed for fun on Friday nights, but the four horny criminals had recently thrown out the headless bodies and replaced them with sex toys, and just like that it was deemed the "Sakura Sex Room".
Itachi used to be his lovetoy until that ugly little pink brat came along. Before he knew it, things in the Akatsuki got even worse when Deidara and Sasori found intrest in Itachi's "blossom". After many bloody fights and violent screaming throughout Kisame's sleepless nights, somehow the three made a compromise to share Sakura. Soon enough, Hidan joined in, claiming that it was against his religion to have a sexual affair with someone with a hair color other than pink. Hidan had such a dangerous, deadly look in his eyes when he shared his fake story, the three of them pretended to buy it, and soon enough the four of them spent their days lustfully licking every inch of Sakura's pale flesh, rather than doing the old, murderous things they used to. The good old days.
A stray tear found its way down Kisame's cheek.
... just kidding. No, instead of crying, the shark yelled across the hallway, "Hey guys! Weren't we supposed to go on a mad killing rampage tonight, and afterwards play a little strip poker? It's Friday!"
The response to Kisame's anxious, beady eyes were more of Sakura's moans and Hidan's yell of, "Fuck yeah baby, FUCK yeah!"
Kisame sighed rather sadly. With that, he slouched down the hallway and past the Sakura Sex Room, and padded into the kitchen, obliviously parking himself in a cold, wooden chair by the table.
He drummed his blue fingers on the table and looked across from him, to discover Kakuzu glaring at him with his small, green eyes.
"What?" the shark asked, annoyance present in his tone. He was in no mood for this. Kisame barely even knew Kakuzu, aside from the fact that he was obsessed with money.
"I'm so sick of those idiots doing Sakura day after day, night after night. It's like Hidan just forgot about me and abandoned me. That bitch. I thought the guy actually enjoyed sucking my dick, too," Kakuzu confessed furiously. Kisame raised an eyebrow, though not surprised. He and Itachi had heard Hidan and Kakuzu in the next room during their own sexual intercourse a month or two ago.
"... I know what ya mean, buddy," Kisame replied somewhat sympathetically. "Itachi left me in the dirt for that horny, pink-haired idiot. What an ass... after all those amazing nights together, he kidnaps the girl and a few weeks later he's fucking her senseless! Such a lewd idiot!"
"I know, right?!" Kakuzu stood up and yelled, banging his hands on the table. "What's up with that?"
"I know man, I know!" Kisame stood up as well, voice filled with raw emotion. "How could they even consider having sex with that... that thing?! She's hidious!"
"Tell me about it! What is she? It's like she's a freakin' alien, from the planet of... cherry blossoms!" Kakuzu joked. Kisame laughed heartily and soon Kakuzu joined in.
"Ah... " Kisame sighed, wiping tears from his eyes from the hysterical laughter. He plopped back down in the chair, as did Kakuzu, and soon the two of them were chattering away like best friends.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Oh, Itachi... harder... harder! Mmm, ahhh, mmm-- " Sakura moaned through muffled panting. Itachi slammed into her for the millionth time that week, as Deidara, Sasori and Hidan watched with lust in their eyes, practically drooling.
"Itachi, it's my turn now... yeah! You guys have been at it for an hour! Come on!" Deidara whined, ogling at Sakura's bare body hungrily. Deidara had had a fair share of turns throughout the past week or two, but he wanted more. He could vividly remember every intercourse he had had with Sakura so far. Everytime he made love to the gorgeous pink cherry blossom, it was like an explosion of art. He wished he could do it a thousand more times, over and over, just to feel that big BANG! sensation he got. Deidara was sure Itachi and Hidan didn't care about that... they just wanted the girl's body. However, he wasn't so sure about Sasori. Deidara eyed his deadbutnotrly!partner.
"What are you looking at?" Sasori asked, calmly. "You should be ogling Sakura, not me," he added, with a playful tone. Deidara scowled.
"I'm not ogling you. I was just wondering something, yeah... " Deidara shot back, crossing his arms and grunting. Sasori raised an eyebrow.
"And what might that be?" he asked, not sounding too curious.
"What about this experience is art to you?" Deidara asked earnestly.
"What do you mean?" Sasori replied, blankly.
"You should know what I mean... yeah!" Deidara waved his arms in the air, discouraged. "You aren't like the other two, who just want the girl's... Sakura's... body, right? Isn't there something more you want?"
"Ah, I see," Sasori began. "Well, why don't you answer that question yourself first?"
Deidara growled. "I like that BANG! sensation I get when I enter her. It's like an explosion, pure art... yeah. It's amazing."
Sasori almost snickered, but he kept his usual serene expression on his features. "That's absurd," he replied, amused by the look of annoyance on Deidara's face. "Her body is the real work of art. It's so... foreign. Her pink hair that matches her pink nipples and clit... it truly is a sight to appreciate, no?"
Deidara looked disgusted. "You're just like the other two, except you disguise it with a seemingly poetic description. I expected better of you... yeah," he said, turning away. Sasori seemed to enjoy plaguing him.
Sasori smiled, eyeing Sakura's sweaty flesh once more with lasciuious eyes.
- - - - - - - - - -
Kisame and Kakuzu were laughing like old buddies. "Oh, God... " they mumbled through bursts of hysterics. Bright smiles adorned the both of their lips.
"Kakuzu, you really are somethin'!" Kisame noted, a huge smile plastered on his face. Kakuzu laughed loudly and replied, "You too, man! You too!"
"Ah... if only you weren't a shark, I'd do you on the spot!" Kakuzu added, laughing heartily again, until he noticed Kisame's deadly glare. His laughter stifled.
"Excuse me?" Kisame asked, glaring at his new bff. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.
"I said, if you weren't a shark we could have some pretty hot sex," he repeated, oblivious to the fact that Kisame was about ready to kill him.
"Oh. Well, same to you. If you weren't so obsessed with money that you'd force me to pay you to have fifteen minutes of playing around with you, then yeah, we could have some great sex!" Kisame shot back. Kakuzu looked horrified.
"Huh. Well yeah, it'd be so utterly repulsive to have sex with a blue, scaly thing like you, I'd HAVE to get SOMETHING out of it! It sure as hell wouldn't be enjoyment!" Kakuzu raised his voice, the sight of Kisame's disgusted face very pleasing to him.
"Well at least blue isn't nearly as bad as brown!" Kisame yelled. "You're like, CRAP colored! What the hell?!"
Kakuzu raised his fist, and with that, socked his ex-best friend right in his ugly, blue nose. "You son of a bitch!" Kakuzu screamed.
Kisame wiped off his bleeding nose and punched Kakuzu right back. And just like that, the two were in an all-out brawl.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Do you hear something?" Deidara asked, as he rubbed his hands all over Sakura's body, plunging a finger into her entrance casually. He was referring to the faint screams and sounds of things crashing in the kitchen. Sakura's constant moaning had made it very difficult to hear anything else going on. Sasori and Hidan shook their heads, not really caring at the moment. Itachi replied bluntly, "Kisame probably ordered a prostitute to keep himself occupied while we're in here. Pay no mind, and hurry up so Sasori can have his turn, and then Hidan can have his, and then it's back to me again," Itachi said, his voice impassive. However, he mutely craved more of the roseate girl.
Deidara shrugged, and continued with Sakura, licking his lips lustfully.
- - - - - - - - - -
Kisame and Kakuzu were both on the floor, panting from exhaustion. Kitchen supplies and glasses were broken all around them, and some chairs were tipped over from their beating on each other.
"Kakuzu, why are we doing this?" Kisame asked, his breathing heavy. Sweat trickled down his forehead.
"Because we're idiots. Kisame, you know... you know we were meant to be," Kakuzu confessed, trying to sound romantic but his voice coming out hoarse instead. "We have so much in common!"
"Kakuzu... " Kisame mumbled, inching a little closer to him.
"Kisame... "
And with that they crawled over to each other and brown lips met scaly, blue ones. The world dissolved into a puddle of nothingness around them at the sensation of Kisame's lips meeting Kakuzu's. A myriad of emotions and lustful feelings swept over them. Sakura's loud, whiny moans were drowned out, being replaced by their own loud moans. Kisame's tongue poked into Kakuzu's mouth, desperate for entrance. Kakuzu gladly let him in, the two exploring each other's mouths like the Akatsuki used to explore the region looking for bodies to kill, when they were still murderous. Now, they were all just horny bitches. Kisame and Kakuzu thought they had minded, but not anymore, not after they had found each other. Kakuzu discovered he actually loved the taste of fish on Kisame's tongue, and found himself begging for more. Right there, right then, they tore their Akatsuki robes off and began a wild experience they had both been longing for all their lives.
INSERT HOT SEXTASTIC LEMON HERE THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING CAUSE THAT'D JUST BE SILLY :D;;
~ Fin ~
... THE LAST PART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CORNY ON PURPOSE, NOT CAUSE I WAS SERIOUS.
Rated, erm... not exactly mature, but not exactly teen either. xD Well, I'll let you decide.
Warning: Itachi/Deidara/Sasori/Hidan smexing Sakura, lots of smex talk xD;, MAJOR YAOI-- besides KisaKaku, there's ex-ItaKisa and ex-KakuHidan. xD, language, and ehm I think that's it.
FYI: I actually love ItaSaku, and DeiSaku too. I'm not making fun of these pairings OR Sakura. xD It appears that I am but it's just for the fic-- I'm not saying Sakura's a slut or anything, promise. ♥
ONE MORE THING! THIS IS EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY OOC. xD I wasn't trying to keep the characters IC here, because what would be the fun of that? It's like they're totally different people, it's so OOC. D: Wow, the more of these warnings I put make me realize how bad this fic really is... 8D;;
A heavy sigh escaped Kisame's lips as he watched Itachi, Deidara, deadbutnotrly!Sasori, and Hidan molest Sakura in the dark room across the hallway. The series of moans coming from the room made Kisame sick to his stomach. The room used to be where they hid the dead bodies they killed for fun on Friday nights, but the four horny criminals had recently thrown out the headless bodies and replaced them with sex toys, and just like that it was deemed the "Sakura Sex Room".
Itachi used to be his lovetoy until that ugly little pink brat came along. Before he knew it, things in the Akatsuki got even worse when Deidara and Sasori found intrest in Itachi's "blossom". After many bloody fights and violent screaming throughout Kisame's sleepless nights, somehow the three made a compromise to share Sakura. Soon enough, Hidan joined in, claiming that it was against his religion to have a sexual affair with someone with a hair color other than pink. Hidan had such a dangerous, deadly look in his eyes when he shared his fake story, the three of them pretended to buy it, and soon enough the four of them spent their days lustfully licking every inch of Sakura's pale flesh, rather than doing the old, murderous things they used to. The good old days.
A stray tear found its way down Kisame's cheek.
... just kidding. No, instead of crying, the shark yelled across the hallway, "Hey guys! Weren't we supposed to go on a mad killing rampage tonight, and afterwards play a little strip poker? It's Friday!"
The response to Kisame's anxious, beady eyes were more of Sakura's moans and Hidan's yell of, "Fuck yeah baby, FUCK yeah!"
Kisame sighed rather sadly. With that, he slouched down the hallway and past the Sakura Sex Room, and padded into the kitchen, obliviously parking himself in a cold, wooden chair by the table.
He drummed his blue fingers on the table and looked across from him, to discover Kakuzu glaring at him with his small, green eyes.
"What?" the shark asked, annoyance present in his tone. He was in no mood for this. Kisame barely even knew Kakuzu, aside from the fact that he was obsessed with money.
"I'm so sick of those idiots doing Sakura day after day, night after night. It's like Hidan just forgot about me and abandoned me. That bitch. I thought the guy actually enjoyed sucking my dick, too," Kakuzu confessed furiously. Kisame raised an eyebrow, though not surprised. He and Itachi had heard Hidan and Kakuzu in the next room during their own sexual intercourse a month or two ago.
"... I know what ya mean, buddy," Kisame replied somewhat sympathetically. "Itachi left me in the dirt for that horny, pink-haired idiot. What an ass... after all those amazing nights together, he kidnaps the girl and a few weeks later he's fucking her senseless! Such a lewd idiot!"
"I know, right?!" Kakuzu stood up and yelled, banging his hands on the table. "What's up with that?"
"I know man, I know!" Kisame stood up as well, voice filled with raw emotion. "How could they even consider having sex with that... that thing?! She's hidious!"
"Tell me about it! What is she? It's like she's a freakin' alien, from the planet of... cherry blossoms!" Kakuzu joked. Kisame laughed heartily and soon Kakuzu joined in.
"Ah... " Kisame sighed, wiping tears from his eyes from the hysterical laughter. He plopped back down in the chair, as did Kakuzu, and soon the two of them were chattering away like best friends.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Oh, Itachi... harder... harder! Mmm, ahhh, mmm-- " Sakura moaned through muffled panting. Itachi slammed into her for the millionth time that week, as Deidara, Sasori and Hidan watched with lust in their eyes, practically drooling.
"Itachi, it's my turn now... yeah! You guys have been at it for an hour! Come on!" Deidara whined, ogling at Sakura's bare body hungrily. Deidara had had a fair share of turns throughout the past week or two, but he wanted more. He could vividly remember every intercourse he had had with Sakura so far. Everytime he made love to the gorgeous pink cherry blossom, it was like an explosion of art. He wished he could do it a thousand more times, over and over, just to feel that big BANG! sensation he got. Deidara was sure Itachi and Hidan didn't care about that... they just wanted the girl's body. However, he wasn't so sure about Sasori. Deidara eyed his deadbutnotrly!partner.
"What are you looking at?" Sasori asked, calmly. "You should be ogling Sakura, not me," he added, with a playful tone. Deidara scowled.
"I'm not ogling you. I was just wondering something, yeah... " Deidara shot back, crossing his arms and grunting. Sasori raised an eyebrow.
"And what might that be?" he asked, not sounding too curious.
"What about this experience is art to you?" Deidara asked earnestly.
"What do you mean?" Sasori replied, blankly.
"You should know what I mean... yeah!" Deidara waved his arms in the air, discouraged. "You aren't like the other two, who just want the girl's... Sakura's... body, right? Isn't there something more you want?"
"Ah, I see," Sasori began. "Well, why don't you answer that question yourself first?"
Deidara growled. "I like that BANG! sensation I get when I enter her. It's like an explosion, pure art... yeah. It's amazing."
Sasori almost snickered, but he kept his usual serene expression on his features. "That's absurd," he replied, amused by the look of annoyance on Deidara's face. "Her body is the real work of art. It's so... foreign. Her pink hair that matches her pink nipples and clit... it truly is a sight to appreciate, no?"
Deidara looked disgusted. "You're just like the other two, except you disguise it with a seemingly poetic description. I expected better of you... yeah," he said, turning away. Sasori seemed to enjoy plaguing him.
Sasori smiled, eyeing Sakura's sweaty flesh once more with lasciuious eyes.
- - - - - - - - - -
Kisame and Kakuzu were laughing like old buddies. "Oh, God... " they mumbled through bursts of hysterics. Bright smiles adorned the both of their lips.
"Kakuzu, you really are somethin'!" Kisame noted, a huge smile plastered on his face. Kakuzu laughed loudly and replied, "You too, man! You too!"
"Ah... if only you weren't a shark, I'd do you on the spot!" Kakuzu added, laughing heartily again, until he noticed Kisame's deadly glare. His laughter stifled.
"Excuse me?" Kisame asked, glaring at his new bff. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.
"I said, if you weren't a shark we could have some pretty hot sex," he repeated, oblivious to the fact that Kisame was about ready to kill him.
"Oh. Well, same to you. If you weren't so obsessed with money that you'd force me to pay you to have fifteen minutes of playing around with you, then yeah, we could have some great sex!" Kisame shot back. Kakuzu looked horrified.
"Huh. Well yeah, it'd be so utterly repulsive to have sex with a blue, scaly thing like you, I'd HAVE to get SOMETHING out of it! It sure as hell wouldn't be enjoyment!" Kakuzu raised his voice, the sight of Kisame's disgusted face very pleasing to him.
"Well at least blue isn't nearly as bad as brown!" Kisame yelled. "You're like, CRAP colored! What the hell?!"
Kakuzu raised his fist, and with that, socked his ex-best friend right in his ugly, blue nose. "You son of a bitch!" Kakuzu screamed.
Kisame wiped off his bleeding nose and punched Kakuzu right back. And just like that, the two were in an all-out brawl.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Do you hear something?" Deidara asked, as he rubbed his hands all over Sakura's body, plunging a finger into her entrance casually. He was referring to the faint screams and sounds of things crashing in the kitchen. Sakura's constant moaning had made it very difficult to hear anything else going on. Sasori and Hidan shook their heads, not really caring at the moment. Itachi replied bluntly, "Kisame probably ordered a prostitute to keep himself occupied while we're in here. Pay no mind, and hurry up so Sasori can have his turn, and then Hidan can have his, and then it's back to me again," Itachi said, his voice impassive. However, he mutely craved more of the roseate girl.
Deidara shrugged, and continued with Sakura, licking his lips lustfully.
- - - - - - - - - -
Kisame and Kakuzu were both on the floor, panting from exhaustion. Kitchen supplies and glasses were broken all around them, and some chairs were tipped over from their beating on each other.
"Kakuzu, why are we doing this?" Kisame asked, his breathing heavy. Sweat trickled down his forehead.
"Because we're idiots. Kisame, you know... you know we were meant to be," Kakuzu confessed, trying to sound romantic but his voice coming out hoarse instead. "We have so much in common!"
"Kakuzu... " Kisame mumbled, inching a little closer to him.
"Kisame... "
And with that they crawled over to each other and brown lips met scaly, blue ones. The world dissolved into a puddle of nothingness around them at the sensation of Kisame's lips meeting Kakuzu's. A myriad of emotions and lustful feelings swept over them. Sakura's loud, whiny moans were drowned out, being replaced by their own loud moans. Kisame's tongue poked into Kakuzu's mouth, desperate for entrance. Kakuzu gladly let him in, the two exploring each other's mouths like the Akatsuki used to explore the region looking for bodies to kill, when they were still murderous. Now, they were all just horny bitches. Kisame and Kakuzu thought they had minded, but not anymore, not after they had found each other. Kakuzu discovered he actually loved the taste of fish on Kisame's tongue, and found himself begging for more. Right there, right then, they tore their Akatsuki robes off and began a wild experience they had both been longing for all their lives.
INSERT HOT SEXTASTIC LEMON HERE THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING CAUSE THAT'D JUST BE SILLY :D;;
~ Fin ~
... THE LAST PART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CORNY ON PURPOSE, NOT CAUSE I WAS SERIOUS.