Rambling post of the month
And why ?
Well, because there are many people I know IRL who are not going to read this. I have a French blog for that, that I made especially for "them" and because for years people have bugged me about speaking English all the time. Yes, it has spread at home... I now talk in English to my own mother, but it's more in a "private joke" kind of way.
Anyway. I wanted to be a bitch and vent (yes, I can be the biggest bitch ever when I'm only slightly annoyed) . So, lately I've put myself into heaps of emotional trouble, just because I think I'm a big girl and I can handle it. There's one part I can handle (oddly enough, that's the one that has the potential for the most damage) and there is one part that still puzzles me.
See, one could say I "make friends" easily. In my own way. Thanks to some convention I helped with years ago, I'm now outgoing, and, well, more sociable in general. Except when I'm... not really, which is what it has been like lately.
And why would that be ? Well, to be completely honest, even though I've been looking for a job, I haven't been that much into it. For some reason, my brain is exploding with two main problems : I can't wait to get out, but I'm scared to hell of going away. Yeah, I'm weird, I know. And the "no job" thing came with the one thing I couldn't mess with : spending as little as possible. Which, in my case, is something like 10 euros per week and less if I can avoid it. Anyway.
A few weeks ago, I went to Disneyland Paris with a very, very dear friend of mine (that would be Vincent lol) . While there, I encountered a few "friends" I've made over the past few months, and while the day wasn't planned that way, I ended up talking with them for a few minutes, just to catch up. That was cool. Then I talked about it to *another* "friend" from that group who wasn't there that day, and he complained that no one had called him to tell him they'd be there.
Guess what happened ta few days ago ? Yup, you guess it, same "friend" went there, and didn't tell me. Not that I would automatically would have gone, mind you (the whole "let's save money" thing) BUT it would have been nice of him to think of me, after all the bitching he's done about his situation and all the things I've told him to try and help him.
And I'm being realistic here : I can't expect to be included in everything these new "friends" do (and, more often than not, I'm not included and might feel a little sad about it, but I *know* we may never be real, true friends anyway even if we like each other a lot) . But dang it, if there's one thing I don't like, it's feeling like a fool. And this guy already fooled me once. I had him over at my place ONCE since the first events that made me want to slap him, but now, pff, no, thank you, I don't wanna.
And this has made me think of my views on friendships. And of the "level" at which I put people in my heart. Sadly, yes, there *is* a "scale" of sorts. For my own piece of mind, cause it hasn't always been that way. I'd make friends, and consider them friends, only to feel depressed when they wouldn't return my friendship the way I did. So, over time, it changed.
Thomas was at the top for a while (no need to say why I guess) . Just after him, it was a bit confusing, but you have William, who's literally my closest friend. On the same level, there is Vincent. Why or how he got there, I have no freaking idea. Then you have the very good friends that I may or may not speak to often, the friends, the people I'm friendly with, and then the people I know, for whatever reason. Or something like that.
The people I'm friendly with are in the most annoying category, at least for me. Because these are people I meet online, meet in real life, find out I really like them for some reason, hope we become friends, and then it all goes down like a giant soufflé. There *are* a few of those "people I'm friendly with" that have had, or currently have potential to become real friends, but it has become quite blurry and terribly confusing. Which is why I have decided to transform this into "people I'm friendly with without expecting a real friendship in return" . If we become real friends, yay! If not, I'll enjoy their company as it comes, and that will be fine, because I don't need to feel like someone's BFF to enjoy a nice day in one's company. That was the rambling post of the month. LOL.
Well, because there are many people I know IRL who are not going to read this. I have a French blog for that, that I made especially for "them" and because for years people have bugged me about speaking English all the time. Yes, it has spread at home... I now talk in English to my own mother, but it's more in a "private joke" kind of way.
Anyway. I wanted to be a bitch and vent (yes, I can be the biggest bitch ever when I'm only slightly annoyed) . So, lately I've put myself into heaps of emotional trouble, just because I think I'm a big girl and I can handle it. There's one part I can handle (oddly enough, that's the one that has the potential for the most damage) and there is one part that still puzzles me.
See, one could say I "make friends" easily. In my own way. Thanks to some convention I helped with years ago, I'm now outgoing, and, well, more sociable in general. Except when I'm... not really, which is what it has been like lately.
And why would that be ? Well, to be completely honest, even though I've been looking for a job, I haven't been that much into it. For some reason, my brain is exploding with two main problems : I can't wait to get out, but I'm scared to hell of going away. Yeah, I'm weird, I know. And the "no job" thing came with the one thing I couldn't mess with : spending as little as possible. Which, in my case, is something like 10 euros per week and less if I can avoid it. Anyway.
A few weeks ago, I went to Disneyland Paris with a very, very dear friend of mine (that would be Vincent lol) . While there, I encountered a few "friends" I've made over the past few months, and while the day wasn't planned that way, I ended up talking with them for a few minutes, just to catch up. That was cool. Then I talked about it to *another* "friend" from that group who wasn't there that day, and he complained that no one had called him to tell him they'd be there.
Guess what happened ta few days ago ? Yup, you guess it, same "friend" went there, and didn't tell me. Not that I would automatically would have gone, mind you (the whole "let's save money" thing) BUT it would have been nice of him to think of me, after all the bitching he's done about his situation and all the things I've told him to try and help him.
And I'm being realistic here : I can't expect to be included in everything these new "friends" do (and, more often than not, I'm not included and might feel a little sad about it, but I *know* we may never be real, true friends anyway even if we like each other a lot) . But dang it, if there's one thing I don't like, it's feeling like a fool. And this guy already fooled me once. I had him over at my place ONCE since the first events that made me want to slap him, but now, pff, no, thank you, I don't wanna.
And this has made me think of my views on friendships. And of the "level" at which I put people in my heart. Sadly, yes, there *is* a "scale" of sorts. For my own piece of mind, cause it hasn't always been that way. I'd make friends, and consider them friends, only to feel depressed when they wouldn't return my friendship the way I did. So, over time, it changed.
Thomas was at the top for a while (no need to say why I guess) . Just after him, it was a bit confusing, but you have William, who's literally my closest friend. On the same level, there is Vincent. Why or how he got there, I have no freaking idea. Then you have the very good friends that I may or may not speak to often, the friends, the people I'm friendly with, and then the people I know, for whatever reason. Or something like that.
The people I'm friendly with are in the most annoying category, at least for me. Because these are people I meet online, meet in real life, find out I really like them for some reason, hope we become friends, and then it all goes down like a giant soufflé. There *are* a few of those "people I'm friendly with" that have had, or currently have potential to become real friends, but it has become quite blurry and terribly confusing. Which is why I have decided to transform this into "people I'm friendly with without expecting a real friendship in return" . If we become real friends, yay! If not, I'll enjoy their company as it comes, and that will be fine, because I don't need to feel like someone's BFF to enjoy a nice day in one's company. That was the rambling post of the month. LOL.