An Observation
When I was younger, I believed that when a person was going through some sort of difficult time or tragedy that they would prefer to be left alone. I thought that to call would be an intrusion and that people would rather not have other people pestering them. And while I will acknowledge that every situation is different, and that in some cases that my previous assumption may be true, I have come to the conclusion that overall, I was dead wrong.
In my experience, people who are suffering through a tragedy want their friends close. I don't know how I would have survived without some of my closer friends who came and spent time with me. I wanted to know that people were thinking about me. I wanted to get out of the house once in a while. I needed people to talk to. And to the people I "left alone" while you were going through hard times, I apologize. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I don't think so. I think that I was afraid to intrude and that I was afraid to be involved in a messy time. I can only thank God for the people I knew who weren't.
If ever in question, if a friend would like you around. please ask.
But I did discover that there are some questions that are better than others.
Here are my thoughts on the matter:
OK: "Let me know if I can do anything."
This statement is ok, it is reaching out to your friend, but it leaves the responsibility for contact and requesting on the other person. During a tough time, those people often can't think straight and they can be afraid to ask for help.
Good: "Can I do anything for you?"
This is an improvement. It makes it clear that you want to help, It is a direct offer, but it is very open ended.
Better: "I want to help. What can I do to help you?"
This is even better. It is a direct request to help. It is an assertive request to participate, however, I know when I was asked this question I would draw a blank. There was so much going on, and I couldn't even think what I needed.
Best: "I want to help you. Please tell me: Can I bring you food? Take you to a movie? Bring you groceries? Bring you coffee? Come see you? Do a load of laundry for you? Come help with chores? Take you to dinner?" etc.
This kind of question is fantastic. It gives the person a lot of options and ideas. It reduces the thought required by already taxed brains and shows how much you want to help. Bravo!
In my experience, people who are suffering through a tragedy want their friends close. I don't know how I would have survived without some of my closer friends who came and spent time with me. I wanted to know that people were thinking about me. I wanted to get out of the house once in a while. I needed people to talk to. And to the people I "left alone" while you were going through hard times, I apologize. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I don't think so. I think that I was afraid to intrude and that I was afraid to be involved in a messy time. I can only thank God for the people I knew who weren't.
If ever in question, if a friend would like you around. please ask.
But I did discover that there are some questions that are better than others.
Here are my thoughts on the matter:
OK: "Let me know if I can do anything."
This statement is ok, it is reaching out to your friend, but it leaves the responsibility for contact and requesting on the other person. During a tough time, those people often can't think straight and they can be afraid to ask for help.
Good: "Can I do anything for you?"
This is an improvement. It makes it clear that you want to help, It is a direct offer, but it is very open ended.
Better: "I want to help. What can I do to help you?"
This is even better. It is a direct request to help. It is an assertive request to participate, however, I know when I was asked this question I would draw a blank. There was so much going on, and I couldn't even think what I needed.
Best: "I want to help you. Please tell me: Can I bring you food? Take you to a movie? Bring you groceries? Bring you coffee? Come see you? Do a load of laundry for you? Come help with chores? Take you to dinner?" etc.
This kind of question is fantastic. It gives the person a lot of options and ideas. It reduces the thought required by already taxed brains and shows how much you want to help. Bravo!