Oblivious
Ueda stared at his bandmates and their lovers, having fun playing with each other. Kame and Jin were on the couch, comfortable in each others’ arms; Koki and Maru were goofing around with one another, but the subtle romantic gestures weren’t missed; then there was Junno on the phone, saying his romantic puns to the one on the other end of the line. He stared at them, the envious feeling was lingering and gently stabbing him on the heart. I hope I’ll have my someone, too.
Getting sick-or hurt-of the scenes in front of him, he stood up and walked towards the door. “I’m going out for a while, okay?” He exited the room.
He immediately proceeded to the rooftop, the only place where he felt the solace the he needed. He sat on his usual place, hugging his knees tightly close to his body, while the back of his head rested on the wall behind him. The lingering feeling was taking its toll on him and he couldn’t help himself.
A single tear drop rolled down slowly upon his cheeks, followed by another and then another. They just kept flowing, flowing, flowing. He shut his eyes, squeezing out more of the pain he felt, all the while feeling sorry of himself; he wanted to snap out of it. He really did. But he admitted that he was just too weak to let go-to give up.
~
Ueda was in the bathroom inside a cubicle, remembering what to say to him and gathering up all the self-confidence and courage he needed. He was finally going to spend time with him, although not alone, but the thought of being casual with him was enough to make his insides swirl. He pimped himself, slapped himself on the cheeks and pumped his fist in the air then muttered a ‘ganbatte’ just for the sake of it. He was about to unlock the door, when he heard a very familiar voice.
“Ne Pi, do you want to know how I’ll confess to Uchi this weekend?”
He let go of the knob, slowly bringing his hand down on his sides. His chest felt heavy and his eyes stung-everything was blurry.
His yet-to-be-given efforts were already futile.
~
Ueda was boring holes in his own heart; he was just that masochistic. He meets him on the hallways, accepting the occasional hellos that were oblivious to his feelings. Yet he still went on and continued to hurt himself, clutched all what can be still held and threw away the love for his own.
He took a deep breath as he stood up, a sad smile forming on his lips as he prepared himself for another day of suffering... The kind that no one gave him but himself.
I guess I can’t stop loving you.