I don't want you to read this.
So... I was considering posting a wonderfully meaningful post of a post when it occured to me that I really do not want to spend all that time scrutinizing over every detail to fill in the gap that exists in my journal, and so here I am.
I'll give you the basic facts, as sort of an overview and insight about what to expect:
I'm really high right now.
I should be at school.
I don't want to post anything on livejournal because of fear.
Now that you know where I'm coming from, we can begin.
I really do owe an apology to pretty much everyone who went to a high school last year. I seem to remember a point in my life when I knew everything that was going to happen to me in the future, and I knew exactly where I was going to end up, and I had everything plotted out like a farmer plants his seeds in accordinance to the future. And I look back to that time and I am filled with regret and sorrow and loss and I feel like I've lost a grip on reality and that everything that I ever hoped for is changing and slipping away. And I look back at how I expressed my feelings at that time of hope and I realize I've said some strange, egotistical things before, and I've come to regret them. I knew exactly where I was going, and yet I laughed and mocked those who still were planning it out, those who were still filling their tank for the long journey to come. A sorrow for myself and for those around me at the time comes upon me. Now that those people have set out on the colorful winding road on the board game of life, while I still sit in a one person car at even further behind the starting line at the beginning, there exists a sense of loss that dwells within me.
Stepping back a bit, this has to do with depression too. I've been quite depressed lately, and too many times. I dropped out of Long Beach, I got fired from my job, my ex-girlfriend comes back into my life, I realize how cut off I am from my old friends, I pine away for a girl who's boyfriend I am good friends with, you know, typical immature stuff. Actually, that summed it up nicely, now I don't have to go too much into detail with matters I never wanted to talk about. I go to Golden West now, currently taking 2 classes in this Spring Intersession, then planning on taking a full-time student schedule starting Fall semester. Today is a special occasion; I went to class about half the time at Long Beach (not to mention it's a 20 minute drive), so I learned and now haven't missed a class at Golden West. Yesterday was April 20. Now you can see why today is a special occasion. I got fired from my job. I used to work at Jungle Video, for those who didn't know. It's the typical minimum-wage paying, shitty boss kind of deal, you know? My manager was this old Korean lady who kept a one-track mindset that made her very disagreeable. mmm, I wonder if anyone reading this knows, but I do have anger issues. I don't show my anger because I usually save it for a better, more delicious time. Anyway, one day I just couldn't take it anymore and I exploded, dropped a few F-bombs, and was promply fired. I sat in my car in the back in the dark for about 20 minutes, crying for some reason. Holy shit, too much detail. I deleted my Facebook recently, for those who haven't noticed. Yeah, making friends with those you should have left in the past isn't really all that it's cut out to be. Shit, if I wanted to talk to my friends that I already talk to with on a regular basis, I'll just go talk to them. I deleted most of my buddies off my AIM. lol.. look at the structure of that paragraph. You just don't know where you are do you? xD
So... I'm high, I'm depressed, I don't know where I'm going in life, and I'm sorry.
Happy Birthday in case I don't holla.
I'll give you the basic facts, as sort of an overview and insight about what to expect:
I'm really high right now.
I should be at school.
I don't want to post anything on livejournal because of fear.
Now that you know where I'm coming from, we can begin.
I really do owe an apology to pretty much everyone who went to a high school last year. I seem to remember a point in my life when I knew everything that was going to happen to me in the future, and I knew exactly where I was going to end up, and I had everything plotted out like a farmer plants his seeds in accordinance to the future. And I look back to that time and I am filled with regret and sorrow and loss and I feel like I've lost a grip on reality and that everything that I ever hoped for is changing and slipping away. And I look back at how I expressed my feelings at that time of hope and I realize I've said some strange, egotistical things before, and I've come to regret them. I knew exactly where I was going, and yet I laughed and mocked those who still were planning it out, those who were still filling their tank for the long journey to come. A sorrow for myself and for those around me at the time comes upon me. Now that those people have set out on the colorful winding road on the board game of life, while I still sit in a one person car at even further behind the starting line at the beginning, there exists a sense of loss that dwells within me.
Stepping back a bit, this has to do with depression too. I've been quite depressed lately, and too many times. I dropped out of Long Beach, I got fired from my job, my ex-girlfriend comes back into my life, I realize how cut off I am from my old friends, I pine away for a girl who's boyfriend I am good friends with, you know, typical immature stuff. Actually, that summed it up nicely, now I don't have to go too much into detail with matters I never wanted to talk about. I go to Golden West now, currently taking 2 classes in this Spring Intersession, then planning on taking a full-time student schedule starting Fall semester. Today is a special occasion; I went to class about half the time at Long Beach (not to mention it's a 20 minute drive), so I learned and now haven't missed a class at Golden West. Yesterday was April 20. Now you can see why today is a special occasion. I got fired from my job. I used to work at Jungle Video, for those who didn't know. It's the typical minimum-wage paying, shitty boss kind of deal, you know? My manager was this old Korean lady who kept a one-track mindset that made her very disagreeable. mmm, I wonder if anyone reading this knows, but I do have anger issues. I don't show my anger because I usually save it for a better, more delicious time. Anyway, one day I just couldn't take it anymore and I exploded, dropped a few F-bombs, and was promply fired. I sat in my car in the back in the dark for about 20 minutes, crying for some reason. Holy shit, too much detail. I deleted my Facebook recently, for those who haven't noticed. Yeah, making friends with those you should have left in the past isn't really all that it's cut out to be. Shit, if I wanted to talk to my friends that I already talk to with on a regular basis, I'll just go talk to them. I deleted most of my buddies off my AIM. lol.. look at the structure of that paragraph. You just don't know where you are do you? xD
So... I'm high, I'm depressed, I don't know where I'm going in life, and I'm sorry.
Happy Birthday in case I don't holla.