Introspection for the sake of
This post is born of procrastination and inspiration by the renewed activity of late. I want to join in the fun! So this is going be a bit of a ramble but しょうがない, can't be helped.
One phrase that sticks out for me is: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
In this case, the horse is me, the water is Japan, and the drinking is... my character, I suppose. In coming to Japan, I hoped that I would change.
And there have been many changes: my confidence has rocketed - I can talk to others and try new things, my selfishness has dropped - I'm able to take an interest in others, and my stability has grown - no longer does everything annoy me.
But deep down, it's still me. I'm still too scared to adventure in Japan or Asia, and too scared to ask a girl out, I still rue things about my life I had no control over. I'm still as forgetful as ever too.
And in the end, I still just go with the flow.
Before I knew it, I was here for 1 and a half years (and fully intending to stay on longer!) Wow, time goes by so fast. I think time goes faster as you get older. Payday goes by, and before you know it next month's payday is approaching. I see pictures of people I haven't seen for a while (in an email from parents, in a message from a friend) and I realise how long I've been away for.
Time passes and I continue to avoid the difficult things.
Like making decisions. I hate Choices.
Many times, I gone shopping all day - with a list of things I need to buy, no least - and come back with absolutely nothing because I refused to make a decision on various things and then ran out of time.
I often regret past choices, none more so than one particular event a few years back. But when I think about it life would be so much different if it hadn't happened, I suspect.
If I hadn't had that "break up" with Neil, I wouldn't have experienced the feeling of being excluded and I would've stayed in Rotherham probably skipping from job to job, never being satisfied with any one, and refusing to accept that a council job was the only real option.
But, because I made that mistake I felt the exclusion, and because of my pride I just lived with it rather than try to fix anything. When I discovered the JET program at Japanese class it seemed perfect, because I could go live in the place I've always loved and try to start again. So I trained as a teacher with the specific aim of coming to Japan. Even then, I wasn't sure what I was doing. It was more going along with the flow and all of a sudden (after being put on the reserve list and coming to the realization that I'd have to search for a job again) I got a phone call from JET. It was during that phone conversation that I realized that I'd have to make a choice - and as I said, I fear Choices the most. I said I'd call back. 5 minutes later, caution having been throw, I called back and I said yes. The biggest choice I've ever made.
I know I fucked up, but through that chain of events I can now honestly say I've never been happier. Every morning I wake up and, right after bemoaning that it's too early, damn school, etc., I remember I'm in Japan, bang right next to Tokyo and it's fucking awesome. I love teaching the kids here (most of the time) and I love my free time. I can shop for my kind of clothes whenever I please, I can go see bands I really love, and I have Akihabara on my doorstep!
But still, there's a couple of things I'd like to say.
I want to say sorry.
I've always tried to pass it off as inevitable, but in the end I was the spark and the resulting fire ruined our friendship.
Truth be told, I was hoping/thinking it should happen, but the way it did wasn't my intent.
I had known maybe too much from both parties beforehand and was frustrated. I also wondered if I could end a charade for the sake of my friends while also tailoring my own happiness.
But on that certain night... I was drunk and all of a sudden I was being accused of things I didn't realize I was doing and then shit hit the fan. That night was simply awful. And in the days after, despite attempts at reconciliation, we drifted apart and that was it.
So, again, I'm sorry.
Second, I do feel I've neglected a lot of folks, not least my family and my closest friend. Life goes by so fast that I forget that it's been days, weeks, months since I last said anything. I've just gone with the flow, avoiding the difficult Choices like planning a trip home. So I'm sorry. I haven't forgot. Please wait.
Thanks.