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Officialy now^^ Happy birthday
mangust. Here's your present!
In which “They go very fast”
“Why do you want to be nice? You always want to be nice”
“…Excuse me”
“See, you are apologizing again”
“…I don’t mean too, it’s natural to me”
“What else is natural to you?”
“…”
“Cover your chest, someone might come”
“In the morning, during the exercises-”
“I know, but this is different”
“Why?”
“Now you are with me”
“I didn’t think it like that”
“They might think you are trying to make an impression on me”
“There’s nothing impressive here”
“They have a funny way of thinking…So? Why did we come here, there’s no one in sight”
“You told me to follow you”
“Here give me the fig”
“Take it”
“Two girls you said?”
“Three”
“There are only two figs here”
“Only one gave them to me”
“What’s her name?”
“…I am not telling you…Why did we come here?”
“…Because it’s not as hot as it is down there”
“Do you want to…talk to me again?”
“I am not going to use the same excuse twice”
“So it is like last time”
“Who else gives you things?”
“No one else…you are not jealous, so stop”
“Why don’t you believe I am jealous?”
Izuru starts peeling the fruit.
“Will you peel mine too?”
Izuru gives him the already peeled one and then peels the second one. He bites it.
“It’s very sweet. Next times, ask them where they are from”
“It’s from the old fig tree that’s in the training grounds”
“I thought it was prohibited to touch the fruit on that tree”
“…Nobody follows that rule anymore. I’ve seen people take figs from there many times”
“…If I remember correctly a captain had planted it for his son”
“How many ages ago?”
“I don’t know. Nobody told me. I think I read it somewhere”
Izuru straightens his neckline and adjusts the sleeves.
“I have to leave in a while. These recesses are short”
“Do we have time?”
“I can’t” he says in a very low voice.
“Always shy. Soon I won’t have the time. I am becoming a captain, you know”
“Really?”
Izuru sits next to him a little enthusiastic. But better not to get too excited.
“Jealous?”
“No, I wouldn’t…I am glad for you. Besides you are much older than I am. There is no reason to question hierarchy…Are you sure?”
“I presented the committee my bankai early this morning”
“It’s already afternoon”
A weird feeling sinks through his body. Unintentionally his shoulders hutch and he stares blankly into the trees. The blood drains from his face. Everything that’s under the shade blurs. The light cuts through the shade like rain. It’s unpleasantly cool.
“…Do you want me more now that I am going to be a captain?”
The question shocks him a little.
“No, not really…But we are not going to have the time to see each other anymore” That last phrase, he doesn’t know where it comes from. It’s true, but why did he say it. “I am fascinated” he continues.
“You hardly look like it. Why did you go so pale all of a sudden?”
“Must be the cold…I’ll go now” he says, but he doesn’t stand up. He doesn’t move at all. He stares at the trees that surround the little shrine.
“You don’t have to attend the next exercise. Show up tomorrow and claim you were sick. You don’t look very well as it is”
He touches his back and then his hand climbs up to the back of his head. It stays there. Gin caresses his hair. Izuru crosses his knees and tucks his wrists between the thighs. The steps they are sitting on are made of stone. They are very cold under their bodies. Izuru’s hair is a little longer.
“You don’t have any marmalade with you, do you?”
Izuru nods negatively.
“I haven’t eaten anything since early this morning”
“You should have asked the second fig too”
“When you leave here, you should go lie in your bed. Exercises are scheduled until late night. It’s going to be quiet in the dorms all afternoon”
“…I am very tired”
I lie back on the steps. It’s uncomfortable. He kisses my mouth. It’s also uncomfortable. His tongue is in my mouth. It’s very uncomfortable.
A patch of light falls directly on his right eye. It’s like the light that comes from a window in a dark room. It is sort of sickening. I’ve always hated afternoons.
“I can’t sleep in the afternoon”
“…Why not?”
“I don’t like it”
“It makes time pass by”
“Exactly”
“Izuru doesn’t like periods of time flying by…I should remember that”
“…”
He stretches and sits up on his elbows. His face is tilted upwards. “Why doesn’t Izuru like periods of time flying by?” he mutters. The clouds are forming and reforming in the sky.
“…I should go now”
“I would have liked you a little more passionate today”
“I couldn’t…I am sorry. When could I see you again?”
“Who knows?”
“…I see”
“I will remember that you like white trains, however”
“White trains?”
“You talked about it in your sleep...It must have made a great impression on you”
“I was talking about white trains in my sleep?”
“You said they go very fast. You asked if they were white on the inside. Then you wondered how it would be to be inside them”
“…Have you ever been on a train?”
“No…I wonder how they are on the inside”
“…Gin?”
“What?”
“Why are trains white?”
“To look beautiful I suppose”
My hand rises to caress his back. I stroke him between the shoulder blades. He supports his head on his hand. His elbow is on his knee. His one foot is on a step higher than the other. The way the fabric stretches…I lower my hand, dragging it down his spine. My chest feels heavier. My ribcage feels as if it is going to cave down on my lungs and heart. The pressure is driven lower in my stomach and lower.
“Do you like white flowers? They are always the most fragrant”
“…They remind me of funerals” I say.
I sit up and touch my hands on his neck. He is hot, my fingers are very cold. I blame the shade. I cover his ears with my fingers. I trace their architecture.
“What do you hear?”
“I can’t describe the sound. Take your hands off my ears, it’s annoying”
As I take my hands off his ears, he takes hold of my left wrist. He guides my hand to his neck again and I massage his back. He has sweated a little. I can smell it. I put my forehead against his back and wrap my arms around his hips. His clothes are few. I feel his warm skin under them.
The sky above is forming and reforming. Clouds are spilling into the substance that sky is made of. They mysteriously are of the same substance. A different consistency though makes for a different structure. They are spilling one into the other like the foam in the sea. Which is also of the same matter. The foam simmers in the waters, it plummets in.
My lips are on his neck.
“They go very fast” I say in the nothing ahead.
He laughs…no, he smiles first then he chuckles. I sometimes think I have difficulties with discerning the truth from the lie. Perhaps I never said anything about trains in my sleep. But he knows how much I like trains. They are inconsequential I suppose.
I kiss his neck a little and I regret that I blush because I do want him more now. Remembering the past is not pleasant, especially now. I pinch my arm repeatedly. You have lovely ears. I like touching them a lot. More than your mouth or your neck, which are of the same substance.
“You can’t be promoted if you think about trains while you are awake”
“Only in my sleep?”
“They will think you are an idiot”
“I am not an idiot…I am not asleep” my back is terribly cold as I speak. Why haven’t I done something about it? Get in the sun.
“Do you know what the problem is when you are on a train?”
“…”
“It is difficult to look at the sky”
“How do you know? You’ve never been on a train”
“It must be. They are closed all around. As if you were inside an insect”
“What kind of an insect?”
“I don’t know”
“Then why an insect?”
“…Because they seem compact, but at the same time they are light and transparent”
“Not all of them are like that though”
“Those who are”
“…I will never be able to talk to you like that anymore”
I recline back on the steps. You turn around to face me. I don’t like lying down immobile. You seem peaceful. You smile contently and your face isn’t very sharp. Or it is an effect of light and shadow. My throat is dry. I put one arm under my head and I stare at you. You look up, at the door of the shrine. You always want to go somewhere else from where you are now. I admire that.
“It’s empty”
“I don’t want to”
“You are strange”
“You are strange too…I don’t feel anything now. Can I go?”
“No, let’s stay like this a little more”
“I don’t feel anything…Isn’t it strange”
“Is there something you want to feel?”
“…It must be strange to be like this forever”
“Does it scare you?”
“…”
“There, you feel something”
“Gin”
The wind rustles the leaves. Other than that it’s quiet and isolated. Some voices reach up to the hill, but only if they are loud enough. They are still in the city.
“It doesn’t scare me”
“Me neither”
I look up to the door of the shrine. It’s upside down.
“I want to pray” I say. I still pray.
“Can I come inside too?”
“No”
I sit up. You are looking at me, I think. Your one hand is curled to a fist. Your other hand rests on your thigh. I dust my clothes and go in the shrine. I sit on the floor and pull my knees to my chest. It still smells like incense. It’s also clean and a religious image shines quietly across me. I never look straight at it. I am looking at the floor and the patterns the sunlight makes. It’s warm in here. I put my chin on top of my folded arms. After a while I sit properly. I stand up and go to the door. I open it a little. You are still sitting on the steps. I close it and sit down again. When I look at the image it’s darker in the room. I can’t see what it represents. My knees hurt a little and I am sleepy. I lie down on the floor and sleep.
I wake up at night because of the chill in the room. I open the door and go out. You have finally gone. What I recall from the day are the naked breasts of the girls that approached me, the figs and your kiss. And that you are going to be a captain soon. Outside it’s warm. I don’t like it when the rooms are colder that it is outside. I sit at the steps. My one arm has gone numb. I rub it a bit. There is moon in the sky. You are nowhere near. I feel dread for the things I am going to hear in the morning about my irresponsible conduct. I can find an excuse…Then again no one has scolded me so far. I feel dread at the thought that no one notices my inadequacies. I miss you for that already. I rub my wrist now. I stand up eventually and head back to the city.
There is a bitter taste in my mouth that I notice as I walk. My stomach hurts as well because I haven’t eaten anything else all day. There’s humidity in the atmosphere, making the air I breathe very heavy. I breathe deep and look down at the ground as I walk. As I reach the white aisles of the city I notice some sentries here and there. My stomach tightens a bit. But no one comes to me. I come quite close to them, but no one speaks to me. Some might have noticed me, I don’t believe they haven’t, but they let me pass. I sneak back at the Academy. Once in its yard I feel something close to intimacy. No one guards the yard, I find that strange. I stall a little here.
My senses recall the way the dormitories feel at night. The warmth from the students’ breaths floats and mingles with the smell of cleanness. It’s warm and comfortable and at the thought I become drowsy again. That sort of atmosphere makes me feel protected. And I am outside of it, where it can’t reach me. The central gate is closed and locked for night, which is very sensible. I can find a way of getting in, I know it, but I can’t help feeling vulnerable. There are sometimes that I feel completely helpless. I press my lips together to stop myself from crying. I don’t like feeling like I can’t do anything at all. I listen myself despair for a while until I get a little angry. I walk around the block, to the back wall that has limited visibility and jump over it.
Inside now, I have calmed a bit. I remember the back of that dog the owner of a shop had caught once and beat it with a branch from a tree. I instantly straighten my back. I don’t want to resemble that dog. I scold myself for having been upset over something trivial. I find the door that’s kept open for air and go inside. I change and make my bed on the floor as quietly as I can. Everybody is sleeping deeply.
In the morning I say I had a fainting spell to my friends. Those who know me are a bit shocked and someone asks how it happened. It gets out and I use the same excuse with my professor eventually. No one had noticed I was missing until dinner time. Hinamori tells me take care, she says it would be best if I lied down today. She blames the hot weather and I tell her that it was something I ate. She urges me to stay in bed. At a point, I tell Abarai that I didn’t faint. “What do you mean” he asks me. I don’t answer him. I think he is mad at me after that. Or maybe he is keeping that in too, like I do sometimes. I am going to explain him one day.
mangust. Here's your present!
In which “They go very fast”
“Why do you want to be nice? You always want to be nice”
“…Excuse me”
“See, you are apologizing again”
“…I don’t mean too, it’s natural to me”
“What else is natural to you?”
“…”
“Cover your chest, someone might come”
“In the morning, during the exercises-”
“I know, but this is different”
“Why?”
“Now you are with me”
“I didn’t think it like that”
“They might think you are trying to make an impression on me”
“There’s nothing impressive here”
“They have a funny way of thinking…So? Why did we come here, there’s no one in sight”
“You told me to follow you”
“Here give me the fig”
“Take it”
“Two girls you said?”
“Three”
“There are only two figs here”
“Only one gave them to me”
“What’s her name?”
“…I am not telling you…Why did we come here?”
“…Because it’s not as hot as it is down there”
“Do you want to…talk to me again?”
“I am not going to use the same excuse twice”
“So it is like last time”
“Who else gives you things?”
“No one else…you are not jealous, so stop”
“Why don’t you believe I am jealous?”
Izuru starts peeling the fruit.
“Will you peel mine too?”
Izuru gives him the already peeled one and then peels the second one. He bites it.
“It’s very sweet. Next times, ask them where they are from”
“It’s from the old fig tree that’s in the training grounds”
“I thought it was prohibited to touch the fruit on that tree”
“…Nobody follows that rule anymore. I’ve seen people take figs from there many times”
“…If I remember correctly a captain had planted it for his son”
“How many ages ago?”
“I don’t know. Nobody told me. I think I read it somewhere”
Izuru straightens his neckline and adjusts the sleeves.
“I have to leave in a while. These recesses are short”
“Do we have time?”
“I can’t” he says in a very low voice.
“Always shy. Soon I won’t have the time. I am becoming a captain, you know”
“Really?”
Izuru sits next to him a little enthusiastic. But better not to get too excited.
“Jealous?”
“No, I wouldn’t…I am glad for you. Besides you are much older than I am. There is no reason to question hierarchy…Are you sure?”
“I presented the committee my bankai early this morning”
“It’s already afternoon”
A weird feeling sinks through his body. Unintentionally his shoulders hutch and he stares blankly into the trees. The blood drains from his face. Everything that’s under the shade blurs. The light cuts through the shade like rain. It’s unpleasantly cool.
“…Do you want me more now that I am going to be a captain?”
The question shocks him a little.
“No, not really…But we are not going to have the time to see each other anymore” That last phrase, he doesn’t know where it comes from. It’s true, but why did he say it. “I am fascinated” he continues.
“You hardly look like it. Why did you go so pale all of a sudden?”
“Must be the cold…I’ll go now” he says, but he doesn’t stand up. He doesn’t move at all. He stares at the trees that surround the little shrine.
“You don’t have to attend the next exercise. Show up tomorrow and claim you were sick. You don’t look very well as it is”
He touches his back and then his hand climbs up to the back of his head. It stays there. Gin caresses his hair. Izuru crosses his knees and tucks his wrists between the thighs. The steps they are sitting on are made of stone. They are very cold under their bodies. Izuru’s hair is a little longer.
“You don’t have any marmalade with you, do you?”
Izuru nods negatively.
“I haven’t eaten anything since early this morning”
“You should have asked the second fig too”
“When you leave here, you should go lie in your bed. Exercises are scheduled until late night. It’s going to be quiet in the dorms all afternoon”
“…I am very tired”
I lie back on the steps. It’s uncomfortable. He kisses my mouth. It’s also uncomfortable. His tongue is in my mouth. It’s very uncomfortable.
A patch of light falls directly on his right eye. It’s like the light that comes from a window in a dark room. It is sort of sickening. I’ve always hated afternoons.
“I can’t sleep in the afternoon”
“…Why not?”
“I don’t like it”
“It makes time pass by”
“Exactly”
“Izuru doesn’t like periods of time flying by…I should remember that”
“…”
He stretches and sits up on his elbows. His face is tilted upwards. “Why doesn’t Izuru like periods of time flying by?” he mutters. The clouds are forming and reforming in the sky.
“…I should go now”
“I would have liked you a little more passionate today”
“I couldn’t…I am sorry. When could I see you again?”
“Who knows?”
“…I see”
“I will remember that you like white trains, however”
“White trains?”
“You talked about it in your sleep...It must have made a great impression on you”
“I was talking about white trains in my sleep?”
“You said they go very fast. You asked if they were white on the inside. Then you wondered how it would be to be inside them”
“…Have you ever been on a train?”
“No…I wonder how they are on the inside”
“…Gin?”
“What?”
“Why are trains white?”
“To look beautiful I suppose”
My hand rises to caress his back. I stroke him between the shoulder blades. He supports his head on his hand. His elbow is on his knee. His one foot is on a step higher than the other. The way the fabric stretches…I lower my hand, dragging it down his spine. My chest feels heavier. My ribcage feels as if it is going to cave down on my lungs and heart. The pressure is driven lower in my stomach and lower.
“Do you like white flowers? They are always the most fragrant”
“…They remind me of funerals” I say.
I sit up and touch my hands on his neck. He is hot, my fingers are very cold. I blame the shade. I cover his ears with my fingers. I trace their architecture.
“What do you hear?”
“I can’t describe the sound. Take your hands off my ears, it’s annoying”
As I take my hands off his ears, he takes hold of my left wrist. He guides my hand to his neck again and I massage his back. He has sweated a little. I can smell it. I put my forehead against his back and wrap my arms around his hips. His clothes are few. I feel his warm skin under them.
The sky above is forming and reforming. Clouds are spilling into the substance that sky is made of. They mysteriously are of the same substance. A different consistency though makes for a different structure. They are spilling one into the other like the foam in the sea. Which is also of the same matter. The foam simmers in the waters, it plummets in.
My lips are on his neck.
“They go very fast” I say in the nothing ahead.
He laughs…no, he smiles first then he chuckles. I sometimes think I have difficulties with discerning the truth from the lie. Perhaps I never said anything about trains in my sleep. But he knows how much I like trains. They are inconsequential I suppose.
I kiss his neck a little and I regret that I blush because I do want him more now. Remembering the past is not pleasant, especially now. I pinch my arm repeatedly. You have lovely ears. I like touching them a lot. More than your mouth or your neck, which are of the same substance.
“You can’t be promoted if you think about trains while you are awake”
“Only in my sleep?”
“They will think you are an idiot”
“I am not an idiot…I am not asleep” my back is terribly cold as I speak. Why haven’t I done something about it? Get in the sun.
“Do you know what the problem is when you are on a train?”
“…”
“It is difficult to look at the sky”
“How do you know? You’ve never been on a train”
“It must be. They are closed all around. As if you were inside an insect”
“What kind of an insect?”
“I don’t know”
“Then why an insect?”
“…Because they seem compact, but at the same time they are light and transparent”
“Not all of them are like that though”
“Those who are”
“…I will never be able to talk to you like that anymore”
I recline back on the steps. You turn around to face me. I don’t like lying down immobile. You seem peaceful. You smile contently and your face isn’t very sharp. Or it is an effect of light and shadow. My throat is dry. I put one arm under my head and I stare at you. You look up, at the door of the shrine. You always want to go somewhere else from where you are now. I admire that.
“It’s empty”
“I don’t want to”
“You are strange”
“You are strange too…I don’t feel anything now. Can I go?”
“No, let’s stay like this a little more”
“I don’t feel anything…Isn’t it strange”
“Is there something you want to feel?”
“…It must be strange to be like this forever”
“Does it scare you?”
“…”
“There, you feel something”
“Gin”
The wind rustles the leaves. Other than that it’s quiet and isolated. Some voices reach up to the hill, but only if they are loud enough. They are still in the city.
“It doesn’t scare me”
“Me neither”
I look up to the door of the shrine. It’s upside down.
“I want to pray” I say. I still pray.
“Can I come inside too?”
“No”
I sit up. You are looking at me, I think. Your one hand is curled to a fist. Your other hand rests on your thigh. I dust my clothes and go in the shrine. I sit on the floor and pull my knees to my chest. It still smells like incense. It’s also clean and a religious image shines quietly across me. I never look straight at it. I am looking at the floor and the patterns the sunlight makes. It’s warm in here. I put my chin on top of my folded arms. After a while I sit properly. I stand up and go to the door. I open it a little. You are still sitting on the steps. I close it and sit down again. When I look at the image it’s darker in the room. I can’t see what it represents. My knees hurt a little and I am sleepy. I lie down on the floor and sleep.
I wake up at night because of the chill in the room. I open the door and go out. You have finally gone. What I recall from the day are the naked breasts of the girls that approached me, the figs and your kiss. And that you are going to be a captain soon. Outside it’s warm. I don’t like it when the rooms are colder that it is outside. I sit at the steps. My one arm has gone numb. I rub it a bit. There is moon in the sky. You are nowhere near. I feel dread for the things I am going to hear in the morning about my irresponsible conduct. I can find an excuse…Then again no one has scolded me so far. I feel dread at the thought that no one notices my inadequacies. I miss you for that already. I rub my wrist now. I stand up eventually and head back to the city.
There is a bitter taste in my mouth that I notice as I walk. My stomach hurts as well because I haven’t eaten anything else all day. There’s humidity in the atmosphere, making the air I breathe very heavy. I breathe deep and look down at the ground as I walk. As I reach the white aisles of the city I notice some sentries here and there. My stomach tightens a bit. But no one comes to me. I come quite close to them, but no one speaks to me. Some might have noticed me, I don’t believe they haven’t, but they let me pass. I sneak back at the Academy. Once in its yard I feel something close to intimacy. No one guards the yard, I find that strange. I stall a little here.
My senses recall the way the dormitories feel at night. The warmth from the students’ breaths floats and mingles with the smell of cleanness. It’s warm and comfortable and at the thought I become drowsy again. That sort of atmosphere makes me feel protected. And I am outside of it, where it can’t reach me. The central gate is closed and locked for night, which is very sensible. I can find a way of getting in, I know it, but I can’t help feeling vulnerable. There are sometimes that I feel completely helpless. I press my lips together to stop myself from crying. I don’t like feeling like I can’t do anything at all. I listen myself despair for a while until I get a little angry. I walk around the block, to the back wall that has limited visibility and jump over it.
Inside now, I have calmed a bit. I remember the back of that dog the owner of a shop had caught once and beat it with a branch from a tree. I instantly straighten my back. I don’t want to resemble that dog. I scold myself for having been upset over something trivial. I find the door that’s kept open for air and go inside. I change and make my bed on the floor as quietly as I can. Everybody is sleeping deeply.
In the morning I say I had a fainting spell to my friends. Those who know me are a bit shocked and someone asks how it happened. It gets out and I use the same excuse with my professor eventually. No one had noticed I was missing until dinner time. Hinamori tells me take care, she says it would be best if I lied down today. She blames the hot weather and I tell her that it was something I ate. She urges me to stay in bed. At a point, I tell Abarai that I didn’t faint. “What do you mean” he asks me. I don’t answer him. I think he is mad at me after that. Or maybe he is keeping that in too, like I do sometimes. I am going to explain him one day.