"when his viral load is high..."
one morning when i wake up something will have changed inside me, right? i'll be a different person? i'll be a happy person?
where does everyone else get their willpower and their motivation and their resolve?
their organization and responsibility and all that time?
am i using all of mine up, trying to keep myself standing up in this ongoing, never-ceasing fight with my head?
"iamsickineedtogotothehospital" "butiamtooscaredjustleavemeheretodie"
any memory is a knife in my neck. i hate to remember anything that happened. i have a physical spasm, that's how strong my aversion is to it. i wish i could just never remember anything. all that was is lost forever, this is the nature of linear time. i see no need for these old fuzzy images of ghosts to come invading my head.
i don't even know which memories are real. i don't even really know who i am. everyone else seems so self-assured. i don't even know what i look like. i avoid looking in the mirror for any duration longer than a glance.
it all blurs together.
i usually have to think about it before i remember where i am and what time it is. by where i am i mean what city. by what time it is i mean what year and season it is. sometimes i will think i am in some other city because the streets sort of go the same way...
in murfreesboro, tennessee there is an intersection that is very similar to one indianapolis, indiana
sometimes i'll be driving in nashville and i think i am in boulder colorado
or phoenix arizona
or diamondville wyoming
or koreatown in los angeles
or iowa city iowa
or omaha nebraska
or salt lake city utah
or columbus ohio
i know i am not there but i don't know where i am
that is a terrible feeling, to be fully awake but then wake up
and you don't know where you are and nothing feels right
and everything bleeds together and maybe you ARE in columbus
and you don't know what year it is or how old you are
you don't know where you've been or where you're going
there is bewilderment
and that is terrible
but more terrible is the shame you feel after you figure it out
the shame for having to concentrate so hard on where you are.
being ashamed of not being able to think right, that's the worst.
shame for being lost.
i don't have it.
my whole life people have called me a genius, or talented, or smart. my whole fucking life. every story is the same, especially with the talented moniker, someone sees one thing i did and really likes it and thinks i'm talented. but no one ever knows the circumstances, no one ever knows how long it took me to do this or that, no one knows that i don't have anything to show for it. how many things have i accomplished, completed, that i was truly proud of, that i really liked? a dozen, maybe, over my whole life?
"iamdrowninginmyownblood" "itsyouyou'reswallowing"
my goals shrank over the course of five years.
i wanted a corpus magnus
but settled eventually on just an opus
i just wanted something that was big enough, and good enough, to prove that i really did have the talent all along...
and to prove i really could muster up the will to create something whole, to follow through, to finish something at last.
i wanted an opus
i said i would be sad if i died without at least one big thing to prove... to prove what?
i guess i didn't want people to feel like they were lying at my funeral when they said he had so much...
...unrealized potential...
but i doubt more and more as these days go on if that potential is truly there or just in everybody's head.
maybe i've done the best i can do, and the truth is i don't follow through on things, i never finish things, i am always following some pipe dream, and while i am capable of doing a wide variety of things, i'm not particularly excellent at any given single thing. that actually is the truth.
tonight i was thinking about my thoughts. all these thoughts that are being forgotten, flying away in a chaotic bustling mass like a flock of birds, never to visit again. so many thoughts of how i can improve myself, how i can make things better, how i should look at the world.
but i guess i don't want to improve myself.
i don't want much of anything anymore.
something needs to change. i can't keep this up forever.
where does everyone else get their willpower and their motivation and their resolve?
their organization and responsibility and all that time?
am i using all of mine up, trying to keep myself standing up in this ongoing, never-ceasing fight with my head?
"iamsickineedtogotothehospital" "butiamtooscaredjustleavemeheretodie"
any memory is a knife in my neck. i hate to remember anything that happened. i have a physical spasm, that's how strong my aversion is to it. i wish i could just never remember anything. all that was is lost forever, this is the nature of linear time. i see no need for these old fuzzy images of ghosts to come invading my head.
i don't even know which memories are real. i don't even really know who i am. everyone else seems so self-assured. i don't even know what i look like. i avoid looking in the mirror for any duration longer than a glance.
it all blurs together.
i usually have to think about it before i remember where i am and what time it is. by where i am i mean what city. by what time it is i mean what year and season it is. sometimes i will think i am in some other city because the streets sort of go the same way...
in murfreesboro, tennessee there is an intersection that is very similar to one indianapolis, indiana
sometimes i'll be driving in nashville and i think i am in boulder colorado
or phoenix arizona
or diamondville wyoming
or koreatown in los angeles
or iowa city iowa
or omaha nebraska
or salt lake city utah
or columbus ohio
i know i am not there but i don't know where i am
that is a terrible feeling, to be fully awake but then wake up
and you don't know where you are and nothing feels right
and everything bleeds together and maybe you ARE in columbus
and you don't know what year it is or how old you are
you don't know where you've been or where you're going
there is bewilderment
and that is terrible
but more terrible is the shame you feel after you figure it out
the shame for having to concentrate so hard on where you are.
being ashamed of not being able to think right, that's the worst.
shame for being lost.
i don't have it.
my whole life people have called me a genius, or talented, or smart. my whole fucking life. every story is the same, especially with the talented moniker, someone sees one thing i did and really likes it and thinks i'm talented. but no one ever knows the circumstances, no one ever knows how long it took me to do this or that, no one knows that i don't have anything to show for it. how many things have i accomplished, completed, that i was truly proud of, that i really liked? a dozen, maybe, over my whole life?
"iamdrowninginmyownblood" "itsyouyou'reswallowing"
my goals shrank over the course of five years.
i wanted a corpus magnus
but settled eventually on just an opus
i just wanted something that was big enough, and good enough, to prove that i really did have the talent all along...
and to prove i really could muster up the will to create something whole, to follow through, to finish something at last.
i wanted an opus
i said i would be sad if i died without at least one big thing to prove... to prove what?
i guess i didn't want people to feel like they were lying at my funeral when they said he had so much...
...unrealized potential...
but i doubt more and more as these days go on if that potential is truly there or just in everybody's head.
maybe i've done the best i can do, and the truth is i don't follow through on things, i never finish things, i am always following some pipe dream, and while i am capable of doing a wide variety of things, i'm not particularly excellent at any given single thing. that actually is the truth.
tonight i was thinking about my thoughts. all these thoughts that are being forgotten, flying away in a chaotic bustling mass like a flock of birds, never to visit again. so many thoughts of how i can improve myself, how i can make things better, how i should look at the world.
but i guess i don't want to improve myself.
i don't want much of anything anymore.
something needs to change. i can't keep this up forever.