Why am I freaking out?

[aka_fanny]

I am freaking out again. It shouldn't suprise me - I get this way every few months or so. Only in the past year or so. I begin to feel like my life is imploding from keeping all of my thoughts, longings, fears, and questions locked inside myself. I don't know why I feel like I can't expose this all like I used to - it isn't lack of trust, it is just realizing that you can't give me what I am searching for - what I need. I need something deeper - I need to rid my life of all of this but I feel lost and alone and I can't do it by myself. I don't want to do it by myself anymore. But who is there to help me? I wish you were here - you aren't so I am left to pick up the pieces. I am unsure how to fit them all back into my life. I want this chip off of my shoulder - I want to go home but I don't know where that is. I don't want to rely so much on other people, but I can't stand being alone anymore either. I don't want to carry my family's burdens by myself - and I am tired of being the glue that binds us. I want to be nurtured, I want to be helped - but I can't find anyone whom I trust my care in. And it is my own fault. I feel frustrated and tired of how I am living - I feel bottled up. Maybe You were wrong - you thought I could handle this by myself! I have proven nothing to You but that I am a dissapointment - so what now?

Take this thorn from my flesh! Take it now - I don't ask of you much... is that my problem? This isn't working for me. Your strength made perfect in my weakness...? Strength is fleeting and weakness triumphing. Explain to me how I am made complete by being alone - I used to trust this but now I am doubting.

I am freaking out today. And still I try to carry this all -alone.