I'm 21....scary.

May 23, 2005 11:35

I'm 21. This is kinda scary...lol. I'm looking around at my life, and not fully liking where I am vs. where I want to be. So I'm going to follow the lead of one of my friends, and say fuck it. I'm tired of bitching about my inability to get crap done, tired of wishing I was back at DGS (edit. DGS = downers grove south, one of my highschools. essentially, there I knew almost everyone, had mad crazy fun times, and hadnt yet had to deal with not being in decent colleges despite 34 act's, or other assorted shit), or I hadn't dealt with heartbreak. I'm tired of bitching that I'm too skinny, and tired of letting me hurt myself by doing stuff like never getting around to applying to colleges. I'm tired of knowing an incredible amount about neurochemistry, and never fully using it. I'm tired of being able to explain the precise optimum method's of gaining muscle mass, down to the ratio of carbs to protein to take before/after workouts, and yet not using it myself. I'm tired of sitting around waiting for other people or life to solve my own problems. So forget it. I'm tired of being a mere shadow of my former self, coasting all on everything I had taught myself years ago, rather than truly being who I claim to be, and constantly striving to hone my edge, add to my skills, improve myself. It stops now.

Specific goals for summer:
Muscle:
Im currently:
Weight: 103.6 pounds
Bodyfat: 4%
Waist: 27" (Does anyone have any idea how hard it is to find a pair of 27 inch pants? I've *never* found one! 28's and 30's are incredibly hard to find too....bah.
Chest: 32"
Bi's Unflexed: 9
Flexed: 10 1/8's

Ideally, I'd love to be 135/140, but realistically that'll be almost impossible to obtain.
Hence, current goal is to be 120 (with a max of 12% fat) by Sept 1st. I *think* it's doable. Not fully sure though, the max I weighed (in record) was 115.4, but that was back in June of 2003. ADD medications tend to drop your weight a bunch unfortunatly.

Brain Chemistry:
One of my biggest problems is while I'm great at coming up with grandiose plans, I'm very bad at actually following through on them, or attention, or whatever. ADD strikes again ;-D I need to put together an concerted effort to figure out what will work there to the best level I can. I now know my problems with modafinil was caused by too much dopamine...I was great and coldly logical, but I didn’t have enough other stuff, esp. acetylcholine to balance it out and keep my people side or my mood there. (Face it, when I'm not having fun in impromptu's, something’s problematic) On the other hand, concerta, (which is what I'm on, and was on before the modaf) increases dopamine and noradrenaline, and I can concentrate far more, and am far less irritable than without it, I'm still not quite the raw people seeker I used to be without it. In any case, what I do need to do is figure out what will work best for me to keep the attention and motivation, without destroying my mood or people side. I need to go find a neuropsychopharmacologist really.

oh, and one of the best books I've read for brain stuff in a looong time, is the edge effect, its by dr. eric braveman. highly recommended.

beyond that, the rest of my stuffs pretty minor.
need to figure out summer plans - low on money.
want to update my website, It's old and icky.
get better at dancing/learn to swing/break
get better at singing
and then my ever present plethora of other goals and stuff to do =D

PS. As a symbol of this being tired of where I'm at, I've actually cleaned my room. While its not 100% clean, its pretty dammed clean...and anyone who's seen my room, knows how scary that is.

Picture of clean room. tis scary.
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