I broke my heart all over again. *emo*
So let me tell you a story.
Wednesday afternoon, as Amy-j was on her way back from her beach trip, I prayed.
I prayed for God's will, regardless of what it was. I knew that he had a plan, and he wasn't trying to screw me over, so I trusted in him. Even if it hurt for awhile. He knew how I wanted things to go, but I trusted in Him.
fast forward to now.
After not hearing much other than party-stories and wishing there could be more, I began to get a little frustrated. I was hoping things would work out with Amy.
So again I talked to God. But not so much a prayer as a conversation:
"God, I just wanted to thank you for what you've done for me. I know that I normally only talk to you when I need something, but I just wanted to say thanks. Oh, and I hope you're not pissed about my whole "cult" thing I started. It's meant to be funny, and it has a good point. So hopefully you think it's funny too.
As far as the Amy situation goes, I've prayed for your will, and it doesn't _seem_ like things are really going in my favor, But I trust in you still. I know you have a bigger plan than what I can se--"
*phone rings*
(It's Amy.)
Me: *blahblah*(...)having a good day?
Amy: "Yea, but I'm out of nicotine, and there is a bottle of Aristocrat with my name on it, and I don't have it."
Me: (...)So is this is the old Amy? (...) Have a nice night then.
Creepy. Before I can get the words about Amy, and whether or not I have a sign to show me what direction she's going...she calls to tell me of her party intentions.
Now I realize that some of you readers out there might be atheist. Or agnostic. Or buddists. Or whatever the fuck else you may be. But you have to admit, it's a creepy coincidence. And regardless of the coincidence or not, I had told her that if she didn't outright make a choice, her inaction would make it for her.
So I got to break my heart again.
After and through all of this, I am positive that Amy cares for me. This is the result of several different things that I won't get into on here, for the same reasons I didn't include _all_ of the conversations we've had.
But it is clear that she's figuring out who she is. Old Amy, New Amy, whatever Amy comes next.
So i let her know that I cared about her very much. I let her know that if the "new amy" wins out for her to please get back in touch. But I wouldn't be there for this "old amy". I would care more than she knew, and for longer than she would expect. I felt it was unfair for her to have to making life and identity decisions while faced with an ultimatum with her (ex)boyfriend. I respect that. I respect the fact that she is 16 and this is the time where things like that come into play. Whether or not she acknowledges that or not. I did the same thing. So has everyone else. Some younger, mostly later.
She went from chatty and talkative to dead silent.
Silence is what I've learned is how she deals. She doesn't know how to, or can't talk about it. If she's quiet, I know she's thinking, and I know she cares. Her silence also broke my heart.
I remember now things like "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Now take that out of parent-child context. I know that I hurt her again tonight. I just hope she understands how, why, and how much It hurts me.
I hope that this didn't push her into "old amy" behavior. I know that this is not my responsibility. But again, I can't express how much I care for her. I'm also confident that she'll come around. She's not a stupid girl. I just hope she comes around before she fucks up her life.
Amy, I wish you well. I'm praying for you. I miss you.
Wednesday afternoon, as Amy-j was on her way back from her beach trip, I prayed.
I prayed for God's will, regardless of what it was. I knew that he had a plan, and he wasn't trying to screw me over, so I trusted in him. Even if it hurt for awhile. He knew how I wanted things to go, but I trusted in Him.
fast forward to now.
After not hearing much other than party-stories and wishing there could be more, I began to get a little frustrated. I was hoping things would work out with Amy.
So again I talked to God. But not so much a prayer as a conversation:
"God, I just wanted to thank you for what you've done for me. I know that I normally only talk to you when I need something, but I just wanted to say thanks. Oh, and I hope you're not pissed about my whole "cult" thing I started. It's meant to be funny, and it has a good point. So hopefully you think it's funny too.
As far as the Amy situation goes, I've prayed for your will, and it doesn't _seem_ like things are really going in my favor, But I trust in you still. I know you have a bigger plan than what I can se--"
*phone rings*
(It's Amy.)
Me: *blahblah*(...)having a good day?
Amy: "Yea, but I'm out of nicotine, and there is a bottle of Aristocrat with my name on it, and I don't have it."
Me: (...)So is this is the old Amy? (...) Have a nice night then.
Creepy. Before I can get the words about Amy, and whether or not I have a sign to show me what direction she's going...she calls to tell me of her party intentions.
Now I realize that some of you readers out there might be atheist. Or agnostic. Or buddists. Or whatever the fuck else you may be. But you have to admit, it's a creepy coincidence. And regardless of the coincidence or not, I had told her that if she didn't outright make a choice, her inaction would make it for her.
So I got to break my heart again.
After and through all of this, I am positive that Amy cares for me. This is the result of several different things that I won't get into on here, for the same reasons I didn't include _all_ of the conversations we've had.
But it is clear that she's figuring out who she is. Old Amy, New Amy, whatever Amy comes next.
So i let her know that I cared about her very much. I let her know that if the "new amy" wins out for her to please get back in touch. But I wouldn't be there for this "old amy". I would care more than she knew, and for longer than she would expect. I felt it was unfair for her to have to making life and identity decisions while faced with an ultimatum with her (ex)boyfriend. I respect that. I respect the fact that she is 16 and this is the time where things like that come into play. Whether or not she acknowledges that or not. I did the same thing. So has everyone else. Some younger, mostly later.
She went from chatty and talkative to dead silent.
Silence is what I've learned is how she deals. She doesn't know how to, or can't talk about it. If she's quiet, I know she's thinking, and I know she cares. Her silence also broke my heart.
I remember now things like "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Now take that out of parent-child context. I know that I hurt her again tonight. I just hope she understands how, why, and how much It hurts me.
I hope that this didn't push her into "old amy" behavior. I know that this is not my responsibility. But again, I can't express how much I care for her. I'm also confident that she'll come around. She's not a stupid girl. I just hope she comes around before she fucks up her life.
Amy, I wish you well. I'm praying for you. I miss you.