sunbear presents: THERAPY
i suggest those of you who dontgiveacrap about my life not click thishere because it willnot interest you in the slightest HERE instead look at this picture of a sunbear because theyare awfully adorable donchathink? :3
ireally dont think this entry is goingto be very relevant to anyone aside from those who know me well, and thosepeople are far and fewbetween. OHBOY what exactly am i goingto write about? myself iguess. imnot toointo the whole personalshitonapublicsite business but every nowand again its okay for me. its not thati mind what people know, its just not something im superinto for one reason or another. raritiessssss.
i like to do thingslike this everyonce in a while because its theraputic, it helps me think about thingsthat are otherwise difficult for me to concern myself with toomuch. im typing here iam typing and its like hammering words into my brain--the ideas being nails. notonly do i haveto spawn these ideas, but then allow them to floatfreely to my fingertips where they become good, solid words and im typing here iam typing but also READING and then maybe ill stop every nowandthen and read what ive typed as a whole, as a paragraph a phrase a sentance and itll be processed again and reabsorbed to serve as the foundation for awhole other generation of thoughtsideaswords and in this way things are made clear to me. sure, ican realize things in other ways, i can sit here and make myself think chintofist in the way of the thinker, but when im typing or writing its generally much more beneficial to me all around. iguess thats why people keep journals, hm?
im not upset right now, im unsure. firstandforemost im unsure. ALWAYS. ilike myself but am unsure as to howwell i know myself and perhaps i feel similarways about the people around me, the people i meet, the people iknow. ican earnestly and honestly say that i love and care for certain people without hesitation. thesepeople ive know for quite sometime and ive slowly shed the inhibitions that keep me protected. or something likethat. iwant to say things more simply, i like when things are simple. basically, it takes me a while to grow close to someone, a long while. usually. thepeople who are close to me now are generally strongwilled, presistant peoples, seeinghow i simply havent persued. anythingever. but people are most important so letstalk about them. so, considering what ive just said about myself, OBVIOUSLY only certain types of people are going to get this close. THIIIIIIIIISclose. lookit my hands when i saythat. imlucky in a way, because thesepeople are good, strong, stubborn people. persistant people who fight for whattheywant and thats always admirable. goals, dreams, hopes swarmround inthese peoples heads. theyare lovingloyal and i know i said this but just GOODpeople. ilike these people. notalways these people though. sometimes otherpeople. yeahhhh otherpeople. usually though, these otherpeople are also good people, so it always works out. i never draw the old maid everyone else has allthe oldmaids and i just keep giving them away as soonas they cometo me which probably isnt fair but its not something i can help itsjust the luck of the draw and i NEVER draw the old maid.
isuddenly forgot what i was talking about. okayokay, lets talk about excuses because i make a fuckton of those. notsomuch as i used to but i stilldo. idontknowidontknowidontknow i say that alot too. icant think and sometimes dont wantto think so saying i dontknow is easier because its true at that time i probably dont know but i couldalso stop being a baby and think about things and then maybe next time id have a better answer. theresalot of things i wantto change. it all starts with simply that--wanting to change. i understand this, but just wanting to change isnt enough. its a process. alwaysalways. let the process begin! i think its begun already, notsure when it did but im prettysure it has. ooo typingstuff is nice. iwant to help people too, yanno? iwant to be there for the people iholddear, but i cant be of muchuse to those people unless i help myself first. i want to be of muchhelp. so now that we got that straight doesnt mean that i can fly doesnt mean that i can go do whatever i want
why am i so confident though? i have everyreason not to be but at the same time everyreason to be. i believe in myself, if i want to do something i can do it. its that simple. i wantedto do things and ive done some of them. ican most likely do alot of these things i want to do by myself but its alright to have people help me its really okay and i keep forgetting that ikeep forgetting thereare people there who canwillandWANT to help me. thats nice. i appriciate it. i appriciate lotsof things, i just dontknow how to express myself concerning appriciation. "i appriciate you." ilike doing things for people for lotsof reasons too, but dont like doing things to return favors--it feels kindof empty, less pure than if id be doing things without reason EVENSO that underlying appriciation is stillthere, however much i sit on it. does it still matter to anyone if im sitting on it? does it count? 1 2 3 4 555555 5 and 9 are the BEST
alotofthings are assumed about me and, hey, thats just how things are. i dont mind so much iguess. ifeel so much younger in emotional years than iam in physical years like i was stuckin a cave somewhere while everyone else was growing up and feeling things and coming to realize what these things are and what they mean and what todo with them: do you put these things in a jar or leave them lying around the floor with the clothes you took off the night before or maybe maybe youdont do anything at all
AHHHHHHHH mindsandhearts are very complicated. and then simple. so i guess what i mean is CONFUSING. yes thats it. (: MY FIRST EMOTE OF THIS ENTRY. i dont emote much when im trying to be serious even remotely so, but otherwise I AM AN EMOTEMACHINE. i want to be more honest and open. i dont lie, TECHNICALLY, but there is almost always something more i want to say. i usually dont say whateverelse there is though because in such cases otherpeople are almost ALWAYS involved. and i am unsure--im a confused individual who doesnt often think toodeeply about herself and the feelings therein. if im unsure how can i say what i want to say, how can i risk harming these precious people unless i am ABSOLUTELY SURE. the last thing i want is others to hurt. yes, its part of life and i accept that, ill allow such to happen before id ever lie--i value honesty, its very high up there on the wejavaluescale. with adorable kittens. i only know my own head. is anyoneelse ever completely sure? would it be better to say all i want and feel i should while being unsure? is that okay? here is where the confusion sets in BUT ITS ALREADY THERE SO ITS LIKE THE FOG JUST GETS THICKER OR SOMETHING XDD speaking of fog, it was like silenthill outside lastnight and fog is reallyrare in philly so i enjoyed it muchly. :3
here, ill make a list of things i should do:
1. thinkmore [ALOT more]
2. ....
okay thats all i got. i should probably move out soon, too. and have money so i can do that which will inturn allow me to comfortably do the things i want to do. like make childrens books. draw comics. give balloons to strangers IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT. iknow i am sheltered. i want to see the world. meet people. learn. i like the sound of all that, i have lots of ideas of what i want. im sure theres more i want but these are important to me. being there for people, achieving the afforementioned art stuffs, becoming independant [for the mostpart, its okay to rely on people too, thats what wereall here for :3] imnot worried about toomuch because im confident that i can do whatever i want, as long as i want it. iknow i can, it wont always be easy, but i can do it. im concerned about my mother, because when i start doing some of these things for myself i may not be as easily accessible as i am now. i DEFINATELY wont be in this house, i maynot even be in this city. i love my mother dearly, shes a friend as well as my previous incubator @ ^@ ALAS i have my own life to live. as much as i want to stay here and be here for her emotionally and otherwise there are other things i want to do more. i will not be a livingwalkingbreathing crutch.
yeah, im deeply concerned about that so i suppose i should talk about things with her so i know where she stands but easier said than done. really, ive tried talking to her boutthings before, things being MOVING OUT, and im still lost on where she stands concerning that becausewell maybe shes bipolar i have noidea but one minute its yeahyeahmoveout and oneminute its ohgodyoureleavingme but if thats how she feels thats how she feels, right? she just feels both. which is okay. :3 its all goooood. holy crap i talked alot.
in closing, yes, i am alive and i feel and i can do this (:
ireally dont think this entry is goingto be very relevant to anyone aside from those who know me well, and thosepeople are far and fewbetween. OHBOY what exactly am i goingto write about? myself iguess. imnot toointo the whole personalshitonapublicsite business but every nowand again its okay for me. its not thati mind what people know, its just not something im superinto for one reason or another. raritiessssss.
i like to do thingslike this everyonce in a while because its theraputic, it helps me think about thingsthat are otherwise difficult for me to concern myself with toomuch. im typing here iam typing and its like hammering words into my brain--the ideas being nails. notonly do i haveto spawn these ideas, but then allow them to floatfreely to my fingertips where they become good, solid words and im typing here iam typing but also READING and then maybe ill stop every nowandthen and read what ive typed as a whole, as a paragraph a phrase a sentance and itll be processed again and reabsorbed to serve as the foundation for awhole other generation of thoughtsideaswords and in this way things are made clear to me. sure, ican realize things in other ways, i can sit here and make myself think chintofist in the way of the thinker, but when im typing or writing its generally much more beneficial to me all around. iguess thats why people keep journals, hm?
im not upset right now, im unsure. firstandforemost im unsure. ALWAYS. ilike myself but am unsure as to howwell i know myself and perhaps i feel similarways about the people around me, the people i meet, the people iknow. ican earnestly and honestly say that i love and care for certain people without hesitation. thesepeople ive know for quite sometime and ive slowly shed the inhibitions that keep me protected. or something likethat. iwant to say things more simply, i like when things are simple. basically, it takes me a while to grow close to someone, a long while. usually. thepeople who are close to me now are generally strongwilled, presistant peoples, seeinghow i simply havent persued. anythingever. but people are most important so letstalk about them. so, considering what ive just said about myself, OBVIOUSLY only certain types of people are going to get this close. THIIIIIIIIISclose. lookit my hands when i saythat. imlucky in a way, because thesepeople are good, strong, stubborn people. persistant people who fight for whattheywant and thats always admirable. goals, dreams, hopes swarmround inthese peoples heads. theyare lovingloyal and i know i said this but just GOODpeople. ilike these people. notalways these people though. sometimes otherpeople. yeahhhh otherpeople. usually though, these otherpeople are also good people, so it always works out. i never draw the old maid everyone else has allthe oldmaids and i just keep giving them away as soonas they cometo me which probably isnt fair but its not something i can help itsjust the luck of the draw and i NEVER draw the old maid.
isuddenly forgot what i was talking about. okayokay, lets talk about excuses because i make a fuckton of those. notsomuch as i used to but i stilldo. idontknowidontknowidontknow i say that alot too. icant think and sometimes dont wantto think so saying i dontknow is easier because its true at that time i probably dont know but i couldalso stop being a baby and think about things and then maybe next time id have a better answer. theresalot of things i wantto change. it all starts with simply that--wanting to change. i understand this, but just wanting to change isnt enough. its a process. alwaysalways. let the process begin! i think its begun already, notsure when it did but im prettysure it has. ooo typingstuff is nice. iwant to help people too, yanno? iwant to be there for the people iholddear, but i cant be of muchuse to those people unless i help myself first. i want to be of muchhelp. so now that we got that straight doesnt mean that i can fly doesnt mean that i can go do whatever i want
why am i so confident though? i have everyreason not to be but at the same time everyreason to be. i believe in myself, if i want to do something i can do it. its that simple. i wantedto do things and ive done some of them. ican most likely do alot of these things i want to do by myself but its alright to have people help me its really okay and i keep forgetting that ikeep forgetting thereare people there who canwillandWANT to help me. thats nice. i appriciate it. i appriciate lotsof things, i just dontknow how to express myself concerning appriciation. "i appriciate you." ilike doing things for people for lotsof reasons too, but dont like doing things to return favors--it feels kindof empty, less pure than if id be doing things without reason EVENSO that underlying appriciation is stillthere, however much i sit on it. does it still matter to anyone if im sitting on it? does it count? 1 2 3 4 555555 5 and 9 are the BEST
alotofthings are assumed about me and, hey, thats just how things are. i dont mind so much iguess. ifeel so much younger in emotional years than iam in physical years like i was stuckin a cave somewhere while everyone else was growing up and feeling things and coming to realize what these things are and what they mean and what todo with them: do you put these things in a jar or leave them lying around the floor with the clothes you took off the night before or maybe maybe youdont do anything at all
AHHHHHHHH mindsandhearts are very complicated. and then simple. so i guess what i mean is CONFUSING. yes thats it. (: MY FIRST EMOTE OF THIS ENTRY. i dont emote much when im trying to be serious even remotely so, but otherwise I AM AN EMOTEMACHINE. i want to be more honest and open. i dont lie, TECHNICALLY, but there is almost always something more i want to say. i usually dont say whateverelse there is though because in such cases otherpeople are almost ALWAYS involved. and i am unsure--im a confused individual who doesnt often think toodeeply about herself and the feelings therein. if im unsure how can i say what i want to say, how can i risk harming these precious people unless i am ABSOLUTELY SURE. the last thing i want is others to hurt. yes, its part of life and i accept that, ill allow such to happen before id ever lie--i value honesty, its very high up there on the wejavaluescale. with adorable kittens. i only know my own head. is anyoneelse ever completely sure? would it be better to say all i want and feel i should while being unsure? is that okay? here is where the confusion sets in BUT ITS ALREADY THERE SO ITS LIKE THE FOG JUST GETS THICKER OR SOMETHING XDD speaking of fog, it was like silenthill outside lastnight and fog is reallyrare in philly so i enjoyed it muchly. :3
here, ill make a list of things i should do:
1. thinkmore [ALOT more]
2. ....
okay thats all i got. i should probably move out soon, too. and have money so i can do that which will inturn allow me to comfortably do the things i want to do. like make childrens books. draw comics. give balloons to strangers IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT. iknow i am sheltered. i want to see the world. meet people. learn. i like the sound of all that, i have lots of ideas of what i want. im sure theres more i want but these are important to me. being there for people, achieving the afforementioned art stuffs, becoming independant [for the mostpart, its okay to rely on people too, thats what wereall here for :3] imnot worried about toomuch because im confident that i can do whatever i want, as long as i want it. iknow i can, it wont always be easy, but i can do it. im concerned about my mother, because when i start doing some of these things for myself i may not be as easily accessible as i am now. i DEFINATELY wont be in this house, i maynot even be in this city. i love my mother dearly, shes a friend as well as my previous incubator @ ^@ ALAS i have my own life to live. as much as i want to stay here and be here for her emotionally and otherwise there are other things i want to do more. i will not be a livingwalkingbreathing crutch.
yeah, im deeply concerned about that so i suppose i should talk about things with her so i know where she stands but easier said than done. really, ive tried talking to her boutthings before, things being MOVING OUT, and im still lost on where she stands concerning that becausewell maybe shes bipolar i have noidea but one minute its yeahyeahmoveout and oneminute its ohgodyoureleavingme but if thats how she feels thats how she feels, right? she just feels both. which is okay. :3 its all goooood. holy crap i talked alot.
in closing, yes, i am alive and i feel and i can do this (: