Tweak a promise
It's been a few days since I updated, but boy has it been an interesting couple of days. Tuesday was my birthday, and it just sucked. I felt really bad that I had been such a jerk and only thinking of myself while Talia and Joe were here. I really was having an awful day and wasn't the best company....which I can't apologize enough for. That night right after they left, however, all I wanted to do was talk to them. I think I had kept moving and tried not to stay in one place all night because that entire day all I wanted to do was sit, hug my red and blue pillow, and just cry my eyes out....and I had absolutely no idea why. I also don't think I wanted to cry right in front of Joe and Talia. Once they left though I finished unpacking and didn't feel like holding back the tears anymore. So it was a rough night. I woke up early the next day and had an IM from Jeremie, apologizing for not having called me on my birthday and he said he would make it up to me....but he really doesn't have to. I need to just forget about it. It doesn't even feel like I had a birthday because it was like I didn't want that particular day to be my birthday....like catch me on a better day. Anyway, so Wednesday I packed and left Boston for CT at about 11am or so. I got home about 1pm and by 3pm we were in the car for NY. We were all meeting at Grandma's that night, with Nanny's funeral being Thursday. We heard mom and April's eulogies for Nanny, and I didn't cry once...I might have welled up a little, but I didn't cry and I was very proud of myself. Grandma treated us to dinner at the coffeehouse and then Dad got there. Once we had all been together, Carline, April, Roddy, and I went to Manhattan for the night to stay at April and Roddy's. My eyes were really acting up on me, to the point where I couldn't open them. I was able, of course, to pry them open to watch Paul Hamm win gold in the men's gymnastics all around. That was very exciting. I talked to Kris and Talia a bit and then went to bed.
We got up early for the funeral and all met at the temple. The whole funeral is really an amazing story. I'm still not even really sure what happened. As the story goes, my Uncle Srilick (Nanny's brother) was kinda running the show. See, Nanny and her family grew up very Jewish, so Srilick wanted to make sure this funeral and ceremony followed all the religious rules....he, in the process, ended up on nearly half of the people's shit list for the day. Dad and Uncle Roddy were very important people in my great grandmother's life....they were two people that really helped take care of her and help her when she needed it. So it seemed only right to the rest of us that they be pall bearers. One thing to note is that my dad and my Uncle Roddy aren't Jewish...and them not being Jewish and pall bearing did not sit right with Uncle Srilick. This got my immediate family very upset, and after my mom and aunt told Grandma to fix it, Grandma went and cleared everything and a compromise was drawn. It's kind of a cop-out answer but what was decided was that my Uncle Roddy, my dad, and Joey (who really wanted to pall bear) would be "head pall bearers" and walk in front of the casket. Kinda ridiculous, but it appeased everyone. The ceremony itself went very well at the temple. The only thing that REALLY irked everyone was how some people were so casually dressed. My cousin Evan wasn't wearing socks, my little cousins Harrison and Jake looked like they just jumped off the golf course, and Uncle Kenny looked very casual too (I know he had just gotten back from Peru, but dude, if you knew you would be cutting it close, then come dressed in a suit, won't kill you). Other than that the ceremony went very well.
One thing I want to mention about the ceremony is that I cried. I mean not a simple little well up, but tears were gushing. This means that the promise I had made to myself was broken. I made the promise a few years ago that I would never cry at death because I never had and I didn't want to feel that one person was more important than the other. I was afraid I would think that if I cried for one and not another. Since I cried, I have to tweak that promise. I actually don't feel like I thought I would, but instead realized that I just grieved differently for the other ones that I didn't cry at, and I also realized that as I get older, death hits me in a different way than it did when I was a lot younger. So I'm not mad at myself, but rather I realized that I have to just grieve in the way I see fit to at the time.
The eulogies that I didn't cry at in the apartment had me crying at the temple. Mom, April, my cousin Bruce, and my Aunt Linda all had great speeches. After this ceremony things got very weird.
No offense, but NY drivers are EXTREMELY rude. Think back to your road tests and written driving exams.....YOU DON'T CUT INTO A FUNERAL PROCESSION...IT'S RUDE! That ticked us all off, because that is really disrespectful. We tried to keep the procession together even driving down 495, and we finally got to the cemetery. The cemetery was very crowded, and everyone seemed all on top of each other. This caused for some problems that I'll get to in a second. But my dad, uncle, and brother lined up in front of the casket (that was being carried by my cousin Bruce, my cousin Evan, my uncle Kenny, and man I have no idea who anyone else was...one I think was the son of my mom's cousin Susan, he had a really Yiddish name that I really didn't totally catch when she said it to me..but I refer to him as Cousin Yaducky, cause that's what it sounded like and I think the rest were Srilick's sons-in-law or something) and they all took about two steps and then they said to my dad, uncle, and brother, "Please move aside, the casket needs to go first." My dad responded with, "I was told we were leading it" but they just said, "Please step to the side." My dad had actually called that right before they started...he said, "Watch us get phased out of this." It was really awful. They were all so upset, as was everyone else that agreed they got screwed over in the whole ceremony. It was very narrow bringing the casket to the burial area and dirt was thrown on other stones and my cousin had to step on someone else's stone to get through....someone else, Carline saw, had to kinda jump over my great grandmother's resting area.....it all seemed really disrespectful. There was no room for anyone to stand and move around....and this one guy (no idea who he was, but I refer to him as "green yarmulke guy") was so annoying. His sole purpose seemed to be to wait for you to step somewhere wrong, then get all mad at you for stepping somewhere you shouldn't have (I guess it made no sense for him to tell you this BEFORE you made the wrong move), and then just get mad at you and not really tell you how to properly get around.
They seemed rather sloppy about putting Nanny in the grave. They got her in safely though and then one of the workers, this really threw me off, placed one of their wooden planks OVER Nanny and walked out on it and started banging out the stakes. They were next to my Papa Benny, who Nanny is rested next to, and my grandma said, "Um, just make sure you don't hit my father." It was just very sloppy. Now, most people understand the kissing of the rose and throwing it in the grave. We did that, that was very nice. But then we had to watch as family members shoveled dirt on Nanny and somewhat bury her. That seemed extremely morbid to me. Grandma asked if I wanted to shovel some dirt and I really wasn't sure if that was rude to turn it down (being that it's probably a Jewish burial custom....honestly, this was my first time ever at an actual burial) but it was too much for me. I politely told Grandma I was good...I really don't want to be the actual one to bury someone. Dad said he had never seen that; that they don't do it that way in the Catholic religion. Carline wouldn't do it either. Other family members did it....in fact, Cousin Yaducky even had boots for the occasion. I'm sorry, I just wasn't into that whole custom. I can't remember if this was before or after, but they said a prayer. This was a very weird part of the funeral because the rabbi said a prayer, then at the exact same time Uncle Srilick said a different prayer, and then a third guy chimed in with something totally different. I had no idea what was going on there. They might have passed out paper with the prayer written on it, but no one had any real idea where we were in it anyway.
A Jewish custom is that when you visit someone at the cemetery, you leave a pebble on their stone to show that you were there. So those of us that could get through, left a pebble on my Papa Benny's stone and that was the end of the ceremony. All so incredibly weird. Mom had said to me in the middle of it, "Don't bury me like this, I want everyone included." Dad also said in the car on the way back to Grandma's, "When I die, I don't want a billboard of pictures at the funeral home and don't take lightly who carries the casket, because I think it's very important who carries it." I totally agree. I thought about some things I wanted to make sure happen with mine:
1. I want pictures at the funeral home
2. I know the Jews like to keep the casket closed the entire time and the Catholics use their discretion, but I want it open at least at some point
3. don't take lightly who carries the casket
4. I don't care if the whole world comes by, I want everyone who wants to say goodbye and pay their respects to have the chance to do so, even if my family is standing there all night (At Adrian's, I remember them cutting off the line at one point at the wake because it was too many people and getting late)
5. Just plan it out really well and make sure to the best of your abilities that everything goes smoothly.
Kinda freaky thinking about that stuff now, so I'm gonna move on. We went back to Grandma's and had a brunch meal that was very delicious. I hadn't eaten at all before then and so I had a good 5 plates of food, no lie. After that, Carline, Joey, Dad, and myself went back home (Mom stayed an extra day...I believe Nanny's immediate family has to sit shivah for about a week...never done it so I only kinda half know what it means, so I can't really explain it).
Rosemary and Stephanie came over last night and we went out for ice cream and watched the Olympics. It was a lot of fun. I haven't seen either one of them in a while. Carline left for Syracuse this morning (at like 5am, which doesn't sound at all out there if you know Carline hahaha) and Rosemary and I had lunch at 99's this afternoon. I did some shopping for the apartment (I got some good stuff....just hope my roommates agree). I bought a lot but I'm glad I did because I'll now feel that I actually live there and it's also my apartment if some of the stuff there is mine (for a while, I haven't REALLY felt like the apartments I lived in were really MY apartment because nothing was ever mine and it just felt like everyone else let me live there with them). But this year will be different. I'm very excited. I'm probably heading up to Boston for the day to drop all this stuff off and set up my congas and bongos. It's going to be a very productive couple of days coming up.
We got up early for the funeral and all met at the temple. The whole funeral is really an amazing story. I'm still not even really sure what happened. As the story goes, my Uncle Srilick (Nanny's brother) was kinda running the show. See, Nanny and her family grew up very Jewish, so Srilick wanted to make sure this funeral and ceremony followed all the religious rules....he, in the process, ended up on nearly half of the people's shit list for the day. Dad and Uncle Roddy were very important people in my great grandmother's life....they were two people that really helped take care of her and help her when she needed it. So it seemed only right to the rest of us that they be pall bearers. One thing to note is that my dad and my Uncle Roddy aren't Jewish...and them not being Jewish and pall bearing did not sit right with Uncle Srilick. This got my immediate family very upset, and after my mom and aunt told Grandma to fix it, Grandma went and cleared everything and a compromise was drawn. It's kind of a cop-out answer but what was decided was that my Uncle Roddy, my dad, and Joey (who really wanted to pall bear) would be "head pall bearers" and walk in front of the casket. Kinda ridiculous, but it appeased everyone. The ceremony itself went very well at the temple. The only thing that REALLY irked everyone was how some people were so casually dressed. My cousin Evan wasn't wearing socks, my little cousins Harrison and Jake looked like they just jumped off the golf course, and Uncle Kenny looked very casual too (I know he had just gotten back from Peru, but dude, if you knew you would be cutting it close, then come dressed in a suit, won't kill you). Other than that the ceremony went very well.
One thing I want to mention about the ceremony is that I cried. I mean not a simple little well up, but tears were gushing. This means that the promise I had made to myself was broken. I made the promise a few years ago that I would never cry at death because I never had and I didn't want to feel that one person was more important than the other. I was afraid I would think that if I cried for one and not another. Since I cried, I have to tweak that promise. I actually don't feel like I thought I would, but instead realized that I just grieved differently for the other ones that I didn't cry at, and I also realized that as I get older, death hits me in a different way than it did when I was a lot younger. So I'm not mad at myself, but rather I realized that I have to just grieve in the way I see fit to at the time.
The eulogies that I didn't cry at in the apartment had me crying at the temple. Mom, April, my cousin Bruce, and my Aunt Linda all had great speeches. After this ceremony things got very weird.
No offense, but NY drivers are EXTREMELY rude. Think back to your road tests and written driving exams.....YOU DON'T CUT INTO A FUNERAL PROCESSION...IT'S RUDE! That ticked us all off, because that is really disrespectful. We tried to keep the procession together even driving down 495, and we finally got to the cemetery. The cemetery was very crowded, and everyone seemed all on top of each other. This caused for some problems that I'll get to in a second. But my dad, uncle, and brother lined up in front of the casket (that was being carried by my cousin Bruce, my cousin Evan, my uncle Kenny, and man I have no idea who anyone else was...one I think was the son of my mom's cousin Susan, he had a really Yiddish name that I really didn't totally catch when she said it to me..but I refer to him as Cousin Yaducky, cause that's what it sounded like and I think the rest were Srilick's sons-in-law or something) and they all took about two steps and then they said to my dad, uncle, and brother, "Please move aside, the casket needs to go first." My dad responded with, "I was told we were leading it" but they just said, "Please step to the side." My dad had actually called that right before they started...he said, "Watch us get phased out of this." It was really awful. They were all so upset, as was everyone else that agreed they got screwed over in the whole ceremony. It was very narrow bringing the casket to the burial area and dirt was thrown on other stones and my cousin had to step on someone else's stone to get through....someone else, Carline saw, had to kinda jump over my great grandmother's resting area.....it all seemed really disrespectful. There was no room for anyone to stand and move around....and this one guy (no idea who he was, but I refer to him as "green yarmulke guy") was so annoying. His sole purpose seemed to be to wait for you to step somewhere wrong, then get all mad at you for stepping somewhere you shouldn't have (I guess it made no sense for him to tell you this BEFORE you made the wrong move), and then just get mad at you and not really tell you how to properly get around.
They seemed rather sloppy about putting Nanny in the grave. They got her in safely though and then one of the workers, this really threw me off, placed one of their wooden planks OVER Nanny and walked out on it and started banging out the stakes. They were next to my Papa Benny, who Nanny is rested next to, and my grandma said, "Um, just make sure you don't hit my father." It was just very sloppy. Now, most people understand the kissing of the rose and throwing it in the grave. We did that, that was very nice. But then we had to watch as family members shoveled dirt on Nanny and somewhat bury her. That seemed extremely morbid to me. Grandma asked if I wanted to shovel some dirt and I really wasn't sure if that was rude to turn it down (being that it's probably a Jewish burial custom....honestly, this was my first time ever at an actual burial) but it was too much for me. I politely told Grandma I was good...I really don't want to be the actual one to bury someone. Dad said he had never seen that; that they don't do it that way in the Catholic religion. Carline wouldn't do it either. Other family members did it....in fact, Cousin Yaducky even had boots for the occasion. I'm sorry, I just wasn't into that whole custom. I can't remember if this was before or after, but they said a prayer. This was a very weird part of the funeral because the rabbi said a prayer, then at the exact same time Uncle Srilick said a different prayer, and then a third guy chimed in with something totally different. I had no idea what was going on there. They might have passed out paper with the prayer written on it, but no one had any real idea where we were in it anyway.
A Jewish custom is that when you visit someone at the cemetery, you leave a pebble on their stone to show that you were there. So those of us that could get through, left a pebble on my Papa Benny's stone and that was the end of the ceremony. All so incredibly weird. Mom had said to me in the middle of it, "Don't bury me like this, I want everyone included." Dad also said in the car on the way back to Grandma's, "When I die, I don't want a billboard of pictures at the funeral home and don't take lightly who carries the casket, because I think it's very important who carries it." I totally agree. I thought about some things I wanted to make sure happen with mine:
1. I want pictures at the funeral home
2. I know the Jews like to keep the casket closed the entire time and the Catholics use their discretion, but I want it open at least at some point
3. don't take lightly who carries the casket
4. I don't care if the whole world comes by, I want everyone who wants to say goodbye and pay their respects to have the chance to do so, even if my family is standing there all night (At Adrian's, I remember them cutting off the line at one point at the wake because it was too many people and getting late)
5. Just plan it out really well and make sure to the best of your abilities that everything goes smoothly.
Kinda freaky thinking about that stuff now, so I'm gonna move on. We went back to Grandma's and had a brunch meal that was very delicious. I hadn't eaten at all before then and so I had a good 5 plates of food, no lie. After that, Carline, Joey, Dad, and myself went back home (Mom stayed an extra day...I believe Nanny's immediate family has to sit shivah for about a week...never done it so I only kinda half know what it means, so I can't really explain it).
Rosemary and Stephanie came over last night and we went out for ice cream and watched the Olympics. It was a lot of fun. I haven't seen either one of them in a while. Carline left for Syracuse this morning (at like 5am, which doesn't sound at all out there if you know Carline hahaha) and Rosemary and I had lunch at 99's this afternoon. I did some shopping for the apartment (I got some good stuff....just hope my roommates agree). I bought a lot but I'm glad I did because I'll now feel that I actually live there and it's also my apartment if some of the stuff there is mine (for a while, I haven't REALLY felt like the apartments I lived in were really MY apartment because nothing was ever mine and it just felt like everyone else let me live there with them). But this year will be different. I'm very excited. I'm probably heading up to Boston for the day to drop all this stuff off and set up my congas and bongos. It's going to be a very productive couple of days coming up.