Why can't I be happy?
It's been a while since I last updated and some stuff has happened in the past month that are worth noting, although I'm not sure I will go into full detail here cause there is something else I feel like talking about.
First off, I went to Times Square for New Years Eve! It was an amazing experience. I had an such a good time. I went with Carline and Sophie and we were standing right by Virgin Megastore with an oh so clear view of the ball. I have some great pictures that I will be happy to share with anyone that wants to see them. I am so glad that I finally had the chance to be at Times Square for New Years Eve and I couldn't imagine it working out any better than it did. I recommend everyone go at least once because it is quite the unforgettable experience.
I went home for break. There's not really much to write home about there. Home is the same as it has been....not something I generally talk about much. But it was nice to be home and see my family and relax a little bit (the little bit of relaxing I was able to do).
I started my new co-op job at Sonicbids. It is nothing like I expected it to be. I work in Member Relations and it's not really the networking I thought it would be when I signed up with them. It's more like a tech job. Basically, if you are having questions about Sonicbids or trouble with your account or something of that nature, then you call in or email and my job is to help you. I don't love it, but they pay me and it will look good on my resume, so even though it is only the second week, I will suck it up. It's not terrible, I just don't love it.
I went and saw Mike Maven and the Goodlife perform at The Asgard in Cambridge. I invited Kellie to go with me. I know I don't hang out with her much, but I am so glad I called her up because she is so much fun to hang out with at these shows. She knows my friends, she has a good time, she likes the music, and she is fun to be around. Especially after not seeing her much any other time. Mike and the Goodlife were amazing. I love his new style. Joanna performed opened the show. She was excellent. I'm so glad she decided to go. She did "House of Sins" first which is quite easily one of my favorite songs ever. It was so much fun hanging out with her too. Johnny Mazcko was there too and it was great to finally meet him and hear him play. I'm going to check out his show on February 2 at afterHOURS when it rolls around. It was such an amazing time. I loved getting out, I loved the people that were there, I loved the venue, I loved the music....I loved everything about that night. I definitely plan to go to as many shows as I can. They are so much fun!
So let's recap: I had a decent break, went to Times Square for New Years Eve, got a paying co-op job, and saw an amazing show while hanging out with people I always wanted to hang out with more....so what the hell is wrong with me right now? Why can't that be the end of the entry? Why do I more often then not write in my journal when I am in a funk?
Now isn't any different. Only difference is that I don't understand it. I feel like I am in a "life sucks" mode because I have no idea how to be happy. Even when I am around people that I love hanging out with and spending time with, I almost feel like I can't be happy because I'm afraid this is going to be the only time I see them in a while. My schedule sucks! With a capital S--SUCKS! I don't get home until 7pm, then I go to the gym for about an hour (but since I get home so late, I have to rush out to the gym or not go at all and I have no one to go with), make a 10pm dinner, and watch TV. I am trying so hard to make an effort with my friends. Sometimes, though, I feel like I am so annoying in my efforts. I'm on campus, so I call Katie, Kyle, Talia, Ryan, and Jeremie. I have called Joanna what seems like way too many times. Hey Czaja, people are busy. Stop bugging them. I don't mean to be, but I must be, because I am annoying myself with how pathetic I seem to be. I make such an effort because I don't want to lose touch with anyone. And with my schedule, I'm the one that's not around. And it sucks, because not being around means that everyone else gets to be together and I have to be by myself. But I try to make an effort but I feel like my schedule isn't syncing up with anyone else's. I want to do a weekly dinner with Katie, Kyle, Ryan, Talia, Heather, and Jeremie but I'm going to be the reason that it doesn't work out, which is so unfair because I am the one that wants it to happen so much. I don't even know how to deal with myself. I hate being alone for a long period of time because I can only entertain myself for so long. But I have to find a happy medium where I am not alone and bored and lonely for too long but also not calling everyone up 5 times a day just to say "hey just wondering what you were up to."
I hate being alone because then I start to overthink way to much. I can't shake feeling depressed because I keep coming back to feeling like I am not even a thought to anyone. Don't get me wrong here. I have AMAZING friends. But I am never anyone's first thought. Everyone I know has someone they would drop everything for to talk with, whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or a best friend. I have stuff I want to talk about but can't because 1. I put up walls miles high and 2. I can't break those walls because I'm afraid to and then have someone not really be listening to me or not really caring. I don't know. As I say it out loud, I sound ridiculous. I sound ridiculous everytime I start to feel unimportant and lonely. Why am I having such a hard time?
I can feel myself starting to really burn out because of my work schedule. Sonicbids even wants me to work Fridays starting in February and take off another day in the week (instead of Sunday to Thursday). That sucks because it interferes with my eworks schedule, but the other intern can't work Fridays. All I can think is, well, I couldn't work Fridays first. Now in order to make everything work I may have a day in there where I am working both Sonicbids and eworks, which is something I never wanted to do and had it all worked out where I wouldn't.
I just feel like life is kicking me hard right now and I am getting depressed. I don't know what to do. :/
First off, I went to Times Square for New Years Eve! It was an amazing experience. I had an such a good time. I went with Carline and Sophie and we were standing right by Virgin Megastore with an oh so clear view of the ball. I have some great pictures that I will be happy to share with anyone that wants to see them. I am so glad that I finally had the chance to be at Times Square for New Years Eve and I couldn't imagine it working out any better than it did. I recommend everyone go at least once because it is quite the unforgettable experience.
I went home for break. There's not really much to write home about there. Home is the same as it has been....not something I generally talk about much. But it was nice to be home and see my family and relax a little bit (the little bit of relaxing I was able to do).
I started my new co-op job at Sonicbids. It is nothing like I expected it to be. I work in Member Relations and it's not really the networking I thought it would be when I signed up with them. It's more like a tech job. Basically, if you are having questions about Sonicbids or trouble with your account or something of that nature, then you call in or email and my job is to help you. I don't love it, but they pay me and it will look good on my resume, so even though it is only the second week, I will suck it up. It's not terrible, I just don't love it.
I went and saw Mike Maven and the Goodlife perform at The Asgard in Cambridge. I invited Kellie to go with me. I know I don't hang out with her much, but I am so glad I called her up because she is so much fun to hang out with at these shows. She knows my friends, she has a good time, she likes the music, and she is fun to be around. Especially after not seeing her much any other time. Mike and the Goodlife were amazing. I love his new style. Joanna performed opened the show. She was excellent. I'm so glad she decided to go. She did "House of Sins" first which is quite easily one of my favorite songs ever. It was so much fun hanging out with her too. Johnny Mazcko was there too and it was great to finally meet him and hear him play. I'm going to check out his show on February 2 at afterHOURS when it rolls around. It was such an amazing time. I loved getting out, I loved the people that were there, I loved the venue, I loved the music....I loved everything about that night. I definitely plan to go to as many shows as I can. They are so much fun!
So let's recap: I had a decent break, went to Times Square for New Years Eve, got a paying co-op job, and saw an amazing show while hanging out with people I always wanted to hang out with more....so what the hell is wrong with me right now? Why can't that be the end of the entry? Why do I more often then not write in my journal when I am in a funk?
Now isn't any different. Only difference is that I don't understand it. I feel like I am in a "life sucks" mode because I have no idea how to be happy. Even when I am around people that I love hanging out with and spending time with, I almost feel like I can't be happy because I'm afraid this is going to be the only time I see them in a while. My schedule sucks! With a capital S--SUCKS! I don't get home until 7pm, then I go to the gym for about an hour (but since I get home so late, I have to rush out to the gym or not go at all and I have no one to go with), make a 10pm dinner, and watch TV. I am trying so hard to make an effort with my friends. Sometimes, though, I feel like I am so annoying in my efforts. I'm on campus, so I call Katie, Kyle, Talia, Ryan, and Jeremie. I have called Joanna what seems like way too many times. Hey Czaja, people are busy. Stop bugging them. I don't mean to be, but I must be, because I am annoying myself with how pathetic I seem to be. I make such an effort because I don't want to lose touch with anyone. And with my schedule, I'm the one that's not around. And it sucks, because not being around means that everyone else gets to be together and I have to be by myself. But I try to make an effort but I feel like my schedule isn't syncing up with anyone else's. I want to do a weekly dinner with Katie, Kyle, Ryan, Talia, Heather, and Jeremie but I'm going to be the reason that it doesn't work out, which is so unfair because I am the one that wants it to happen so much. I don't even know how to deal with myself. I hate being alone for a long period of time because I can only entertain myself for so long. But I have to find a happy medium where I am not alone and bored and lonely for too long but also not calling everyone up 5 times a day just to say "hey just wondering what you were up to."
I hate being alone because then I start to overthink way to much. I can't shake feeling depressed because I keep coming back to feeling like I am not even a thought to anyone. Don't get me wrong here. I have AMAZING friends. But I am never anyone's first thought. Everyone I know has someone they would drop everything for to talk with, whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or a best friend. I have stuff I want to talk about but can't because 1. I put up walls miles high and 2. I can't break those walls because I'm afraid to and then have someone not really be listening to me or not really caring. I don't know. As I say it out loud, I sound ridiculous. I sound ridiculous everytime I start to feel unimportant and lonely. Why am I having such a hard time?
I can feel myself starting to really burn out because of my work schedule. Sonicbids even wants me to work Fridays starting in February and take off another day in the week (instead of Sunday to Thursday). That sucks because it interferes with my eworks schedule, but the other intern can't work Fridays. All I can think is, well, I couldn't work Fridays first. Now in order to make everything work I may have a day in there where I am working both Sonicbids and eworks, which is something I never wanted to do and had it all worked out where I wouldn't.
I just feel like life is kicking me hard right now and I am getting depressed. I don't know what to do. :/