i hate it.
i lost it yesterday. was supposed to go to bar night, but just sat in my car and cried for a few hours. i wanted to go down there, but i just couldn't get myself to stop. i didn't want to fuck up everyones evening, so i just drove my retarded self down to the fucking waterfront and just sat in my car in the dark for a while.
I hate that i hate living by myself. i thought it would be better if i got a cat, but my cat hates me. I cant even touch her. That never happens, every animal loves me, i've got that magic touch, but this one HATES me. So now i feel rejected in my own appartment. (sigh)
And i was reminded yesterday about how retarded i am to be in love with Brian. I dont want to love him anymore. I dont want to hope for things that will never happen and to desire attention from someone so much.
The fucking military made me need human contact again, and it sucks ass. I was fine with being single and cold before i left, and now i need it so bad to have someone want me around. It's fucked up. Six months without anyone that gives a shit about me, and i come back and fall for the first guy that looks at me. Not that he's not wonderful, but he's emotionally unavailable when it cames to a relationship. He lets loose and then realizes the risk he's putting himself in, and starts to put up walls to protect himself, cutting into me with every brick.
So now i'm broken and bleeding, while he's thriving. Everyone says it's fucking Karma, but when was i so bad as to deserve to hurt this much? I never was just mean to anyone, i lost my patience with a few, but i was never cruel, and never heartless. I'm usually a really nice person, but maybe i'm wrong. Maybe i'm a raging bitch and dont even know it. Now i just hurt so bad, that if it wasn't for my family i would commit suicide. I can't seriously consider it because i know other people would be devastated, but i think it would be better to stop existing than to feel like this anymore.
I hate this. why does it have to be that when i get stable, with finances and my future, the rest of my life is so fucked up? I hate that i should be happy because i'm going to amount to something and i'm able to support myself right now, but i'm just miserable. I hate that i have to pretend to be happy all the time, but when i'm by myself i just lose my mind. I hate this, i hate being so sad.
I dont want to go back on medication, but i think i might have to. And i dont even have insurance right now. Fuck.
I hate that i hate living by myself. i thought it would be better if i got a cat, but my cat hates me. I cant even touch her. That never happens, every animal loves me, i've got that magic touch, but this one HATES me. So now i feel rejected in my own appartment. (sigh)
And i was reminded yesterday about how retarded i am to be in love with Brian. I dont want to love him anymore. I dont want to hope for things that will never happen and to desire attention from someone so much.
The fucking military made me need human contact again, and it sucks ass. I was fine with being single and cold before i left, and now i need it so bad to have someone want me around. It's fucked up. Six months without anyone that gives a shit about me, and i come back and fall for the first guy that looks at me. Not that he's not wonderful, but he's emotionally unavailable when it cames to a relationship. He lets loose and then realizes the risk he's putting himself in, and starts to put up walls to protect himself, cutting into me with every brick.
So now i'm broken and bleeding, while he's thriving. Everyone says it's fucking Karma, but when was i so bad as to deserve to hurt this much? I never was just mean to anyone, i lost my patience with a few, but i was never cruel, and never heartless. I'm usually a really nice person, but maybe i'm wrong. Maybe i'm a raging bitch and dont even know it. Now i just hurt so bad, that if it wasn't for my family i would commit suicide. I can't seriously consider it because i know other people would be devastated, but i think it would be better to stop existing than to feel like this anymore.
I hate this. why does it have to be that when i get stable, with finances and my future, the rest of my life is so fucked up? I hate that i should be happy because i'm going to amount to something and i'm able to support myself right now, but i'm just miserable. I hate that i have to pretend to be happy all the time, but when i'm by myself i just lose my mind. I hate this, i hate being so sad.
I dont want to go back on medication, but i think i might have to. And i dont even have insurance right now. Fuck.