Stronger?
Last night was Tuesday night Pub night, and it was good. It's been a little strained for the last few weeks because Brian and I broke up, and its been hard. I've been battling with myself to be strong enough to handle the situation like an adult. So last night no one was going to come out, but Brian came just to see me, he knew no one else was going to be there. And we had a good time, we talked at caught up on stuff, and laughed and had a good time. DJ showed up and helped us keep going, he would shatter the ice whenever it would start to form, and helped us keep on a good track.
I wrote Brian a letter last week, a good letter, that just apologized for the way i handled our breakup, that i want him to be happy and to do what's right for his life, even if it's not with me. And at one point i gave it to him, and told him not to read it now but to put it in his pocket, and that it was good. And he smiled at me, and he smiled at me all night, and he looked at me... like he loves me. (sigh) And i know he does, and its hard because i know the only reason whey we're not still together is because he's afraid, and not ready to commit to anything serious. I'm not ready to walk away from it yet, i still feel loyal to him, like if i kissed someone else or played with someone else that it would be a betrayal to him. I know that eventually i will be able to move on, but i'm not there yet. I just can't do it. regardless of how bad i need certain things... (sigh)
As for strength, i feel stronger because i havent been crying as much, but it also freaks me out because i've been in that place before where i dont feel anything and put up these walls in my head to keep myself from feeling and from being hurt. And i dont want to be there, i dont want to get that cold again, and i hate that it might happen. I love him, and im scared to lose that, im scared to lose something i treasure so much, but i've got so many things working against me. He's willing to walk away from it, and if i keep loving him then i'll just be miserable forever... but ive been looking for love for so long, and i hate that i have to throw it away becasue of things that are beyond my control. Arrrgh. I wish things were easier.
But i NEED to make sure we're still friends, i love him, and regardless of whether or not we ever date again, we're friends. I'm not willing to throw that away. I value his friendship, and i want him to know that if he ever needs something, i will ALWAYS be there for him. I love him, and I want him to be happy, and if im the angry bitter ex-girlfriend, then that wouldn't make him or me happy. It's better this way, as long as i can learn to adapt, and i'm doing my best. As long as he doesn't start chasing anyone else real soon, i should be fine. (crosses fingers) (sigh)
We've decided to move bar night to Wednesdays, so David promised he's gonna come out for a drink, and Brian said he might too. So i'm gonna smile, and be tough, and be strong, and i'm gonna do my best to find the road thats right for me with his situation. I just havent decided what that is yet.
I wrote Brian a letter last week, a good letter, that just apologized for the way i handled our breakup, that i want him to be happy and to do what's right for his life, even if it's not with me. And at one point i gave it to him, and told him not to read it now but to put it in his pocket, and that it was good. And he smiled at me, and he smiled at me all night, and he looked at me... like he loves me. (sigh) And i know he does, and its hard because i know the only reason whey we're not still together is because he's afraid, and not ready to commit to anything serious. I'm not ready to walk away from it yet, i still feel loyal to him, like if i kissed someone else or played with someone else that it would be a betrayal to him. I know that eventually i will be able to move on, but i'm not there yet. I just can't do it. regardless of how bad i need certain things... (sigh)
As for strength, i feel stronger because i havent been crying as much, but it also freaks me out because i've been in that place before where i dont feel anything and put up these walls in my head to keep myself from feeling and from being hurt. And i dont want to be there, i dont want to get that cold again, and i hate that it might happen. I love him, and im scared to lose that, im scared to lose something i treasure so much, but i've got so many things working against me. He's willing to walk away from it, and if i keep loving him then i'll just be miserable forever... but ive been looking for love for so long, and i hate that i have to throw it away becasue of things that are beyond my control. Arrrgh. I wish things were easier.
But i NEED to make sure we're still friends, i love him, and regardless of whether or not we ever date again, we're friends. I'm not willing to throw that away. I value his friendship, and i want him to know that if he ever needs something, i will ALWAYS be there for him. I love him, and I want him to be happy, and if im the angry bitter ex-girlfriend, then that wouldn't make him or me happy. It's better this way, as long as i can learn to adapt, and i'm doing my best. As long as he doesn't start chasing anyone else real soon, i should be fine. (crosses fingers) (sigh)
We've decided to move bar night to Wednesdays, so David promised he's gonna come out for a drink, and Brian said he might too. So i'm gonna smile, and be tough, and be strong, and i'm gonna do my best to find the road thats right for me with his situation. I just havent decided what that is yet.