So WOW
In the last month and a half I have been "taking" on my life, and what that means is I am creating change, and creating value in my life. To most, this is a scary prospect, especially to myself. No one likes to see where they are lacking, and fix it. But I have learned so much, and can begin changing it. Two of those things are
Growing up I was expected to take care of my three brothers, and my four cousins so my grandmother could work three jobs to support us. She was particulary harsh on me, and always stressed that the lives of my family were in my hands, and if I failed to produce, something bad would happen to one or all of them. Responsibility was forced on me, and if I failed lives would be at stake.. I know you could view this as an overexaggeration, but when your a kid, it's everything. So later in life I've just chose not to take on responsibility, and I have really failed my son Korben because of it. So many times I was frightened that he would die in my care, and if I dropped the ball it would be all my fault. So I handed over his care to my grandmother, and ultimately failed him, because I wouldn't step up to the responsibilty. Being scared of failing left no room in my life for my son, and I kick myself daily for it. So knowing this I have made an honest effort to bring him back, and it's slow going but now he loves coming over, and anyday now I know he's going to be sleeping over at our house, and this excites me. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
My family has a way of taking any of your vunerabilities, and twisting them to suit their needs, and so for my whole life I have been closed off to people never letting them see who I am, and allowing them to know how important they are to me. Basically I have been an iron fortress with no weaknesses, and so people seem to think nothing affects me, or hurts me. So I allow people to dissappoint me. My firdt marriage failed because of it, and I refuse to allow my new marriage to fail because of it.
So... Thats it... More life lesson to come, and I gladly open my arms to receive all the lessons that are mine to learn.
Growing up I was expected to take care of my three brothers, and my four cousins so my grandmother could work three jobs to support us. She was particulary harsh on me, and always stressed that the lives of my family were in my hands, and if I failed to produce, something bad would happen to one or all of them. Responsibility was forced on me, and if I failed lives would be at stake.. I know you could view this as an overexaggeration, but when your a kid, it's everything. So later in life I've just chose not to take on responsibility, and I have really failed my son Korben because of it. So many times I was frightened that he would die in my care, and if I dropped the ball it would be all my fault. So I handed over his care to my grandmother, and ultimately failed him, because I wouldn't step up to the responsibilty. Being scared of failing left no room in my life for my son, and I kick myself daily for it. So knowing this I have made an honest effort to bring him back, and it's slow going but now he loves coming over, and anyday now I know he's going to be sleeping over at our house, and this excites me. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
My family has a way of taking any of your vunerabilities, and twisting them to suit their needs, and so for my whole life I have been closed off to people never letting them see who I am, and allowing them to know how important they are to me. Basically I have been an iron fortress with no weaknesses, and so people seem to think nothing affects me, or hurts me. So I allow people to dissappoint me. My firdt marriage failed because of it, and I refuse to allow my new marriage to fail because of it.
So... Thats it... More life lesson to come, and I gladly open my arms to receive all the lessons that are mine to learn.