i feel like im back in year 11.
The thing is..
I am negative.and it constantly pulses through me, i find it hard to see the light at teh end of the tunnel.i have been of this since... i was ..12 ?. always feeling the "outcast" when your friends. arent actully your friends.
compliments?
i can get 100 nice things said...
1 bad thing. and that is all i remember.
and it will keep going throug my head.as a constant reminder. random people. i jsut laugh off. friends and people i know are telling the truth are the one that stick.
i cant member nice things people say.
i dont hear them too often it seems.
When they do. i think its in pity.
In year 11. my bestfriend told me how i was a man, and i was butch, and how ill never get a boyfriend.how i wont get married. and how i will always be one of the guys... this hurt me soo much. and i will never forget the words he said. and he looked me in the eyes and i knew he ment it. surely i am to belive my best friend. i took his words to heart. i take. THEIR words to heart. every last one.
i wouldnt if i could but i cant.
and just now .. my friend said that i
come across as quite butch, and in a "fuck off i hate you way."
if i had never spoken to you
n stuff
and judged you on looks
and your body language n stuff
i would just say, you were quite butch, and perhaps come across quite arrogant?
but when we all know, your nothing like that."
How do you all know im not liek that. becuase people who dont know me dont. so does that mean thats how i come off ? how utterly depressing.
i dont know if i should open up. or just seclude myself more in my own self. covering up more. leaving less and less for people to make of me.
right now im tryin to hold back tears becuase i know rich might be here soon.
fuck...........this just makes me hate myself so much.
i wanted to get rid of this back in year 11.
this is liek a shadow that just follows me.everyone is able to see it.
and even meeting new people that didnt know me back then, can pick out my faults. and always point them out.
still have the same fucking view of me.
its this cursed place.
i need to move away.
awr g;lkunlt bnlktshnlsrt
no wonder im fucking alone.
iv said fuck to myself probably about 30 times in the past 2 minutes =[
im scared im always going to feel liek shit..
and.. here are the constant sighs.. of.. why am i alive? again.
I am negative.and it constantly pulses through me, i find it hard to see the light at teh end of the tunnel.i have been of this since... i was ..12 ?. always feeling the "outcast" when your friends. arent actully your friends.
compliments?
i can get 100 nice things said...
1 bad thing. and that is all i remember.
and it will keep going throug my head.as a constant reminder. random people. i jsut laugh off. friends and people i know are telling the truth are the one that stick.
i cant member nice things people say.
i dont hear them too often it seems.
When they do. i think its in pity.
In year 11. my bestfriend told me how i was a man, and i was butch, and how ill never get a boyfriend.how i wont get married. and how i will always be one of the guys... this hurt me soo much. and i will never forget the words he said. and he looked me in the eyes and i knew he ment it. surely i am to belive my best friend. i took his words to heart. i take. THEIR words to heart. every last one.
i wouldnt if i could but i cant.
and just now .. my friend said that i
come across as quite butch, and in a "fuck off i hate you way."
if i had never spoken to you
n stuff
and judged you on looks
and your body language n stuff
i would just say, you were quite butch, and perhaps come across quite arrogant?
but when we all know, your nothing like that."
How do you all know im not liek that. becuase people who dont know me dont. so does that mean thats how i come off ? how utterly depressing.
i dont know if i should open up. or just seclude myself more in my own self. covering up more. leaving less and less for people to make of me.
right now im tryin to hold back tears becuase i know rich might be here soon.
fuck...........this just makes me hate myself so much.
i wanted to get rid of this back in year 11.
this is liek a shadow that just follows me.everyone is able to see it.
and even meeting new people that didnt know me back then, can pick out my faults. and always point them out.
still have the same fucking view of me.
its this cursed place.
i need to move away.
awr g;lkunlt bnlktshnlsrt
no wonder im fucking alone.
iv said fuck to myself probably about 30 times in the past 2 minutes =[
im scared im always going to feel liek shit..
and.. here are the constant sighs.. of.. why am i alive? again.