(no subject)
So I had to enter a little comedy sketch into a competition this week... wrote it the morning of, forced my professor to read opposite me, and ended up coming in second. This is the scene... best if read aloud.
The Greater Gatsby
Brad is sitting at his desk, legs up, playing with a pile of poker chips. As the scene comes up he gestures to the phone on his desk.
BRAD: Okay, Cheryl, send him on in.
Tom walks in somewhat sheepishly
BRAD: Tom! Baby! Come on in here, have a seat! It's great to see you - you're the guy! I've heard so many great things about you, I've been saying to people for months, hey, I gotta meet that Tom... that Tom guy. You know?
TOM: Uh, thank you, sir. *sitting down*
BRAD: Yeah! We're all very excited about the work you're doing for us, Tom-baby. We're gonna make a lot of money together!
TOM: Lets hope so, sir!
BRAD: Call me Brad-baby.
TOM: I'd actually rather not, sir...
BRAD: Hold that thought, Tom-baby *Gestures to phone* Uhh, Cheryl, remind me that I still need to lunch with the writers of next season's cop drama, alright? Yeah, the Bureau of Crime Scene Investigatory Victims Federal Depot of Lawyer Cops... yeah... great, thanks.
TOM: That was quite a mouthful.
BRAD: Yeah, well, we're just gonna call it LAWYER COPS! This time they're the judge, jury AND the executioner!! Man, it's going to be a smash.
TOM: I'm sure it will be, sir -- um, so... what did you think of my script?
BRAD: Ahh yes, Jason-baby--
TOM: That's Tom-baby--
BRAD: The thing is, we were really hoping for this to be a big time blockbuster, you know? We needed something to go up against the summer heavyweights. But the script is good! Don't get me wrong! I mean, you're our guy! You're the big man on campus! We love the backbone you've given us, we just think... well, the boys upstairs think... it just needs a little OOMPH.
TOM: ...Ooomph?
BRAD: Yeah, ooomph. You know, it just sorta drags in a couple parts - its all about pacing - not that I need to tell you that! You're the pro here, I'm just guessing! But yeah, we were thinking of tossing in a few explosions here and there, something to really rock that dolby sound, y'know? Whadda ya think?
TOM: ...Explosions?
BRAD: Yeah!
TOM: ...In The Great Gatsby?
BRAD: Yeah!! Why not? I mean come on, Mike-baby--
TOM: Tom-baby!
BRAD: We've got all of this pyro left over from last summer, we just need to toss a bit of it in there, y'know, give us something to jazz up the trailer!! Something to snag the little bastards in, its all about the marketing, baby.
TOM: ...But... uhh... this is The Great Gatsby - its a classic. I mean, the entire story is a metaphor for--
BRAD: Okay, then we'll have some "metaphorical" explosions, then, jeez, you're the writer, do I have to think of everything here? Come on! Just write in a little dream sequence, show a couple booms here and there, maybe its his psyche exploding, I dunno, the person he thought he was... thats all great stuff that could go on the dvd-jacket. You ever written dvd-jackets?
TOM: ...Um... metaphorical explosions... yeah... okay, Im sure I could do that... *Begins to leave*
BRAD: Whoa whoa whoa, Steve-baby, we aren't quite finished here just yet. Now - the explosions and stuff, that all came from the boys upstairs, but I'm your pal. I'm here with you on this, I want to tell a story that find the core of the novel, you know?
TOM: Yes! Exactly! Its such a beautiful story!
BRAD: I know it is, baby, I know -- and we're gonna capture that! We just gotta make a tweak here and there for the movie-going audience! The explosions, the sex, the UFOs--
TOM: UFOs!?!?
BRAD: --thats just tossed on like icing on the cake, thats all! Anyways, enough of my rambling, I wanna hear what YOU think, thats why you're here, I want YOUR genius input, thats what this is all about. You have my complete attention, I am 100% yours - whadda ya think?
TOM: Well to be perfectly honest---
BRAD: Oh, hold on *To Phone* Cheryl, could you get me a double-tall latte and - what would you like?
TOM: Nothing, please.
BRAD: - and a triple short espresso for Chris-baby here. Thannnnks. Anyhow, where were we?
TOM: Ummm... sir, I don't mean any disrespect, and I know I haven't worked in movies long, I just really feel like I know this book well, I mean, I did my dissertation on it, this script is my baby, and I really think that adding--- *While Tom is talking, Brad plays with pokerchips until they fall all over the floor* Sir, are you even listening to me!?
BRAD: Yeah, yeah, that all sounds terrific, baby -- Cheryl, could you get someone to come in here and pick up my pokerchips for me? Thannnnks. Anyhow, kid, back to the picture - far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but I was thinking, by the end of the story - now stay with me on this - Gatsby realises the emptiness of his rich and gaudy socialising and decides to fight back against his capitalist oppressors! You know, maybe he dons a mask... maybe a couple of daggers... and goes out into the night fighting corrupt cops and stuff.
TOM: ...thats V FOR VENDETTA.
BRAD: ...What? I'm sorry I'm not familiar...
TOM: No, that plot you just outlined, thats exactly V FOR VENDETTA - it was one of the most popular movies of the year.
BRAD: I don't know, I've never heard of it, this was just an idea I had...
TOM: You just had an idea that was completely identical to a blockbuster film that came out this month!?
BRAD: I don't pay attention to the other studios work, I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're talking about... but anyhow, I really feel this is the best way to go. So we're all set to greenlight as soon as you work that into the script!
TOM: *outraged, finally* No!! No, Brad-baby, I wont work that into the script!! This whole thing is ridiculous!! This is a beautiful story and I wrote a beautiful script, and its my baby, and I know whats best for it, and and and -- there isnt going to be any mask and daggers, or metaphorical explosions, or goddamned X-files UFOs!! This is the Great Gatsby!! I'm sorry, I'm just going to have to resign, do whatever you want to the movie, but I wash my hands of it, with all due respect sir!!
*Tom stands to leave*
BRAD: Wait wait wait!! Baby, you're right! You're right, we're just talkin, baby, its alright..... we'll compromise.
TOM: ...Yeah?
BRAD: The Daisy Buchanan character --- can we show her tits?
TOM: .... sure.
BRAD: *Standing* SOLD!! Ohhh, Tom-baby, where have you been all our lives!?
END
The Greater Gatsby
Brad is sitting at his desk, legs up, playing with a pile of poker chips. As the scene comes up he gestures to the phone on his desk.
BRAD: Okay, Cheryl, send him on in.
Tom walks in somewhat sheepishly
BRAD: Tom! Baby! Come on in here, have a seat! It's great to see you - you're the guy! I've heard so many great things about you, I've been saying to people for months, hey, I gotta meet that Tom... that Tom guy. You know?
TOM: Uh, thank you, sir. *sitting down*
BRAD: Yeah! We're all very excited about the work you're doing for us, Tom-baby. We're gonna make a lot of money together!
TOM: Lets hope so, sir!
BRAD: Call me Brad-baby.
TOM: I'd actually rather not, sir...
BRAD: Hold that thought, Tom-baby *Gestures to phone* Uhh, Cheryl, remind me that I still need to lunch with the writers of next season's cop drama, alright? Yeah, the Bureau of Crime Scene Investigatory Victims Federal Depot of Lawyer Cops... yeah... great, thanks.
TOM: That was quite a mouthful.
BRAD: Yeah, well, we're just gonna call it LAWYER COPS! This time they're the judge, jury AND the executioner!! Man, it's going to be a smash.
TOM: I'm sure it will be, sir -- um, so... what did you think of my script?
BRAD: Ahh yes, Jason-baby--
TOM: That's Tom-baby--
BRAD: The thing is, we were really hoping for this to be a big time blockbuster, you know? We needed something to go up against the summer heavyweights. But the script is good! Don't get me wrong! I mean, you're our guy! You're the big man on campus! We love the backbone you've given us, we just think... well, the boys upstairs think... it just needs a little OOMPH.
TOM: ...Ooomph?
BRAD: Yeah, ooomph. You know, it just sorta drags in a couple parts - its all about pacing - not that I need to tell you that! You're the pro here, I'm just guessing! But yeah, we were thinking of tossing in a few explosions here and there, something to really rock that dolby sound, y'know? Whadda ya think?
TOM: ...Explosions?
BRAD: Yeah!
TOM: ...In The Great Gatsby?
BRAD: Yeah!! Why not? I mean come on, Mike-baby--
TOM: Tom-baby!
BRAD: We've got all of this pyro left over from last summer, we just need to toss a bit of it in there, y'know, give us something to jazz up the trailer!! Something to snag the little bastards in, its all about the marketing, baby.
TOM: ...But... uhh... this is The Great Gatsby - its a classic. I mean, the entire story is a metaphor for--
BRAD: Okay, then we'll have some "metaphorical" explosions, then, jeez, you're the writer, do I have to think of everything here? Come on! Just write in a little dream sequence, show a couple booms here and there, maybe its his psyche exploding, I dunno, the person he thought he was... thats all great stuff that could go on the dvd-jacket. You ever written dvd-jackets?
TOM: ...Um... metaphorical explosions... yeah... okay, Im sure I could do that... *Begins to leave*
BRAD: Whoa whoa whoa, Steve-baby, we aren't quite finished here just yet. Now - the explosions and stuff, that all came from the boys upstairs, but I'm your pal. I'm here with you on this, I want to tell a story that find the core of the novel, you know?
TOM: Yes! Exactly! Its such a beautiful story!
BRAD: I know it is, baby, I know -- and we're gonna capture that! We just gotta make a tweak here and there for the movie-going audience! The explosions, the sex, the UFOs--
TOM: UFOs!?!?
BRAD: --thats just tossed on like icing on the cake, thats all! Anyways, enough of my rambling, I wanna hear what YOU think, thats why you're here, I want YOUR genius input, thats what this is all about. You have my complete attention, I am 100% yours - whadda ya think?
TOM: Well to be perfectly honest---
BRAD: Oh, hold on *To Phone* Cheryl, could you get me a double-tall latte and - what would you like?
TOM: Nothing, please.
BRAD: - and a triple short espresso for Chris-baby here. Thannnnks. Anyhow, where were we?
TOM: Ummm... sir, I don't mean any disrespect, and I know I haven't worked in movies long, I just really feel like I know this book well, I mean, I did my dissertation on it, this script is my baby, and I really think that adding--- *While Tom is talking, Brad plays with pokerchips until they fall all over the floor* Sir, are you even listening to me!?
BRAD: Yeah, yeah, that all sounds terrific, baby -- Cheryl, could you get someone to come in here and pick up my pokerchips for me? Thannnnks. Anyhow, kid, back to the picture - far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but I was thinking, by the end of the story - now stay with me on this - Gatsby realises the emptiness of his rich and gaudy socialising and decides to fight back against his capitalist oppressors! You know, maybe he dons a mask... maybe a couple of daggers... and goes out into the night fighting corrupt cops and stuff.
TOM: ...thats V FOR VENDETTA.
BRAD: ...What? I'm sorry I'm not familiar...
TOM: No, that plot you just outlined, thats exactly V FOR VENDETTA - it was one of the most popular movies of the year.
BRAD: I don't know, I've never heard of it, this was just an idea I had...
TOM: You just had an idea that was completely identical to a blockbuster film that came out this month!?
BRAD: I don't pay attention to the other studios work, I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're talking about... but anyhow, I really feel this is the best way to go. So we're all set to greenlight as soon as you work that into the script!
TOM: *outraged, finally* No!! No, Brad-baby, I wont work that into the script!! This whole thing is ridiculous!! This is a beautiful story and I wrote a beautiful script, and its my baby, and I know whats best for it, and and and -- there isnt going to be any mask and daggers, or metaphorical explosions, or goddamned X-files UFOs!! This is the Great Gatsby!! I'm sorry, I'm just going to have to resign, do whatever you want to the movie, but I wash my hands of it, with all due respect sir!!
*Tom stands to leave*
BRAD: Wait wait wait!! Baby, you're right! You're right, we're just talkin, baby, its alright..... we'll compromise.
TOM: ...Yeah?
BRAD: The Daisy Buchanan character --- can we show her tits?
TOM: .... sure.
BRAD: *Standing* SOLD!! Ohhh, Tom-baby, where have you been all our lives!?
END