Loner
The other day I had one major reflection: not only did I realize that I'm sorta a loner, but I also figured out why.
What got me started thinking about the topic is people's comment that I go home late all the time. But... what's the difference between home and work? Geoff pointed out that since my long-distance boyfriend isn't here, then it doesn't really matter whether I'm at the office or at home. It eventually comes down to needing dinner or shower that would make me go home, cuz all I really do outside of "work" would be something on the computer anyway, and I've got a computer at home and two at work. Max pointed out that he hates living by himself cuz there's nothing to do, but even though I have roommates, I don't really hang out with them much: they usually spend time together when they watch TV in front of their respective laptops. I also like to sit in front of my computer, but since it's not a laptop, it doesn't work the same way. (And I like my computer more than I like the TV, so I rarely go hang out in the living room anyway.)
Max asked me if I'm content living like this (since he seems to be more needy of people), and actually, I am. Which is why I'm just pointing out that I'm a loner right now rather than complaining that I am one. He said if I'm content and if it doesn't offend anyone else, then it's fine. But I am concerned -- am I offending anyone? My choice to stay in the room and not hang out with others is because I like being by myself (or by my computer) and it's nothing personal against anyone else, but would they think the same way? It would not be that hard for them to mistake that I just don't want to hang around them.
And I guess I don't consider myself a complete loner. Because of Tech or whatnot, I've developed a sense that I should always be working (but whether I do that or not is another story). So unless there's a special occasion or if I'm particularly happy/stressed/depressed/bored, I wouldn't choose to go find people on weekdays after work. But on weekends I'd love to join in on some sorta gatherings or whatever activity there is as long as I'm not particularly busy. So perhaps I just need less "people time" than average people do?
I think one big reason is that I grew up as an only child. Yes my parents and I have been very close, but as I aged I started being by myself more at night after dinner or whatever, and I wouldn't need to talk to them unless, well, I have something I need to talk to them for. So I have probably gotten into the habit of being able to entertain myself fairly easily, whether through internet-surfing or games or whatnot. Not to mention that since I started college I don't remember such a thing as free time -- there's always work to do if I ever feel like I have nothing to do with my time.
The other big reason, which I just came up with recently but it makes a whole lot of sense, is because of that incident in middle school. When I first came to the States as a 6th grader, I changed from many-friends environment to no-friends to many-friends in a kinda short time period. I must have been really excited or overly talkative or needy or dependent of some sort, because, well, here's a story: remember the times in middle school when it was really popular that friends exchanged notes on little pieces of paper? Well one day I stood next to Friend A when she was reading a note from Friend B, and just like the cocktail-party effect with hearing, my eyes immediately saw my name when I glanced at the note that she was reading. You may say I was prying or whatever, but the note said something like, "Yeah, you think Vivian's annoying too?" I was so hurt -- I wasn't sure if I could ever be as good of friends with Friends A & B again. (And the fact that they were still good superficial friends with me...)
Well so I think they've taught me not to be that close to anyone who're not my parents again. I think it is since that time on that I've become much more sensitive, much more self-conscious of when I might be stepping over the line, and how I shouldn't impose myself on anyone else. It's not like I don't act myself or open up to anyone else, but I've learned to be more cautious. On a related note, I think this is why sometimes in a large crowd of people I like to get away just to make myself a little more distant from others. If anyone notices that I'm missing from the group -- I'm grateful. If anyone comes looking for me -- I know these are people I can trust. If no one spares an extra thought for me -- I wouldn't expect them to. (I think it is thanks to Charleston that I haven't become overly sensitive and get sad because some people don't care.) And if anyone's happy that I left -- well, I should make sure to stay away. It's kinda like this entry in some sense, eh? I wrote it mainly to jot my thoughts down since I'm proud of myself to have figured this out, but also sharing it so maybe someone who bothers to read it would know more about me. But I wouldn't expect anyone to.
A bit of a sidetrack since I don't care about keeping this short anymore: I think it's got to do with my personality (or that I developed since Tech) too. I've learned that life's definitely a roller coaster; I can't be happy or unhappy ALL the time. So rather than being all optimistic and then having to meet disappointment, I rather have low expectations and then either stay flat or be surprised later. It doesn't mean I have to walk around crying all the time; it just means that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone that is out of my control.
Which brings me to the next point, sorta: All of this "I shouldn't impose myself on other people" talk applies to most people, except for my parents and boyfriend. I almost want to say "poor Charleston", but knowing me, I'd probably say "ha! sucker! you asked for it!" :p I recognize that he's his own individual and I try to be understanding towards his problems, but otherwise the day he pursued me he basically allowed me to lean on him for my trouble. He barged into my life, so now he gets what he deserves. :p Granted, this is a little hard on long distance, but whenever we are together I sense no resistance in him when I impose my life on him. So that's good.
(Small sidetrack, again: this reminds me that one night after C's gone to bed and I had no one else to lean on and so I sorta expressed my nervous breakdown to a friend, who, albeit being really close to me usually, immediately reacted with "what's wrong with you now?" It reminds me that he's not C, he's not my bf who's responsible for me, and that made me realized that I've almost stepped over the line again. I immediately apologized curtly (which might have made him realized he was being a bit harsh and he tried to be more supportive later on, but that was too late) and became distant again. I shall have to remember it more often.)
I think from the boyfriend point, it's not that I only open up to Charleston, but I find that I much prefer one-on-one interaction rather than big groups of people where some people may easily dominate; I'd hate to either be that one center of attention (I might have had wanted it in elementary.. but not since I've matured in ... college?) or be one who gets shoved to the corner. (Though most of the time I wouldn't mind being in the corner, but I think some other people would...) So maybe for that reason I tend to like to find the one at the corner to talk to in big groups? And also that sometimes I prefer talking to my aim buddies online than to hang out with large group of real people -- it's not that I'm a nerd and prefer electronic communication (ok I won't deny the nerd part), but since I don't hang around with people much, when I do communicate, I want to give the other person my full attention and receive his/her full attention in return.
So I think that's about it right now; I'm getting sleepy and this might become more and more incoherent if I don't shut up now. So good night...
What got me started thinking about the topic is people's comment that I go home late all the time. But... what's the difference between home and work? Geoff pointed out that since my long-distance boyfriend isn't here, then it doesn't really matter whether I'm at the office or at home. It eventually comes down to needing dinner or shower that would make me go home, cuz all I really do outside of "work" would be something on the computer anyway, and I've got a computer at home and two at work. Max pointed out that he hates living by himself cuz there's nothing to do, but even though I have roommates, I don't really hang out with them much: they usually spend time together when they watch TV in front of their respective laptops. I also like to sit in front of my computer, but since it's not a laptop, it doesn't work the same way. (And I like my computer more than I like the TV, so I rarely go hang out in the living room anyway.)
Max asked me if I'm content living like this (since he seems to be more needy of people), and actually, I am. Which is why I'm just pointing out that I'm a loner right now rather than complaining that I am one. He said if I'm content and if it doesn't offend anyone else, then it's fine. But I am concerned -- am I offending anyone? My choice to stay in the room and not hang out with others is because I like being by myself (or by my computer) and it's nothing personal against anyone else, but would they think the same way? It would not be that hard for them to mistake that I just don't want to hang around them.
And I guess I don't consider myself a complete loner. Because of Tech or whatnot, I've developed a sense that I should always be working (but whether I do that or not is another story). So unless there's a special occasion or if I'm particularly happy/stressed/depressed/bored, I wouldn't choose to go find people on weekdays after work. But on weekends I'd love to join in on some sorta gatherings or whatever activity there is as long as I'm not particularly busy. So perhaps I just need less "people time" than average people do?
I think one big reason is that I grew up as an only child. Yes my parents and I have been very close, but as I aged I started being by myself more at night after dinner or whatever, and I wouldn't need to talk to them unless, well, I have something I need to talk to them for. So I have probably gotten into the habit of being able to entertain myself fairly easily, whether through internet-surfing or games or whatnot. Not to mention that since I started college I don't remember such a thing as free time -- there's always work to do if I ever feel like I have nothing to do with my time.
The other big reason, which I just came up with recently but it makes a whole lot of sense, is because of that incident in middle school. When I first came to the States as a 6th grader, I changed from many-friends environment to no-friends to many-friends in a kinda short time period. I must have been really excited or overly talkative or needy or dependent of some sort, because, well, here's a story: remember the times in middle school when it was really popular that friends exchanged notes on little pieces of paper? Well one day I stood next to Friend A when she was reading a note from Friend B, and just like the cocktail-party effect with hearing, my eyes immediately saw my name when I glanced at the note that she was reading. You may say I was prying or whatever, but the note said something like, "Yeah, you think Vivian's annoying too?" I was so hurt -- I wasn't sure if I could ever be as good of friends with Friends A & B again. (And the fact that they were still good superficial friends with me...)
Well so I think they've taught me not to be that close to anyone who're not my parents again. I think it is since that time on that I've become much more sensitive, much more self-conscious of when I might be stepping over the line, and how I shouldn't impose myself on anyone else. It's not like I don't act myself or open up to anyone else, but I've learned to be more cautious. On a related note, I think this is why sometimes in a large crowd of people I like to get away just to make myself a little more distant from others. If anyone notices that I'm missing from the group -- I'm grateful. If anyone comes looking for me -- I know these are people I can trust. If no one spares an extra thought for me -- I wouldn't expect them to. (I think it is thanks to Charleston that I haven't become overly sensitive and get sad because some people don't care.) And if anyone's happy that I left -- well, I should make sure to stay away. It's kinda like this entry in some sense, eh? I wrote it mainly to jot my thoughts down since I'm proud of myself to have figured this out, but also sharing it so maybe someone who bothers to read it would know more about me. But I wouldn't expect anyone to.
A bit of a sidetrack since I don't care about keeping this short anymore: I think it's got to do with my personality (or that I developed since Tech) too. I've learned that life's definitely a roller coaster; I can't be happy or unhappy ALL the time. So rather than being all optimistic and then having to meet disappointment, I rather have low expectations and then either stay flat or be surprised later. It doesn't mean I have to walk around crying all the time; it just means that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone that is out of my control.
Which brings me to the next point, sorta: All of this "I shouldn't impose myself on other people" talk applies to most people, except for my parents and boyfriend. I almost want to say "poor Charleston", but knowing me, I'd probably say "ha! sucker! you asked for it!" :p I recognize that he's his own individual and I try to be understanding towards his problems, but otherwise the day he pursued me he basically allowed me to lean on him for my trouble. He barged into my life, so now he gets what he deserves. :p Granted, this is a little hard on long distance, but whenever we are together I sense no resistance in him when I impose my life on him. So that's good.
(Small sidetrack, again: this reminds me that one night after C's gone to bed and I had no one else to lean on and so I sorta expressed my nervous breakdown to a friend, who, albeit being really close to me usually, immediately reacted with "what's wrong with you now?" It reminds me that he's not C, he's not my bf who's responsible for me, and that made me realized that I've almost stepped over the line again. I immediately apologized curtly (which might have made him realized he was being a bit harsh and he tried to be more supportive later on, but that was too late) and became distant again. I shall have to remember it more often.)
I think from the boyfriend point, it's not that I only open up to Charleston, but I find that I much prefer one-on-one interaction rather than big groups of people where some people may easily dominate; I'd hate to either be that one center of attention (I might have had wanted it in elementary.. but not since I've matured in ... college?) or be one who gets shoved to the corner. (Though most of the time I wouldn't mind being in the corner, but I think some other people would...) So maybe for that reason I tend to like to find the one at the corner to talk to in big groups? And also that sometimes I prefer talking to my aim buddies online than to hang out with large group of real people -- it's not that I'm a nerd and prefer electronic communication (ok I won't deny the nerd part), but since I don't hang around with people much, when I do communicate, I want to give the other person my full attention and receive his/her full attention in return.
So I think that's about it right now; I'm getting sleepy and this might become more and more incoherent if I don't shut up now. So good night...