Moving on
I can't quite comprehend everything yet. But the mule in me is still holding me up. Sanity is what I need now - as Jas says. I'm lapsing into mild depression. And I mean the real mental illness that kills appetite, sleep, and enjoying usual favourite activities and not just being in a state of feeling dejected all the time just so to get attention. I say this because I remember being in an all-girls school and some of those bitches are always coming in with PMS while declaring they are in depression.
And I think P's not any better. If any, he's worse I think. It's a good thing he's gonna see a psyche, becos I think he needs special attention - more so than I do.
My problem is I keep repeating the same tragic episode over and over. Thank God for great friends and family members who have great patience. It's something I ought to learn and adopt. Patience - what Paul needs from me now.
I have a huge burst of energy within me. An aggressive spur to want to win him back at all cost. Nonetheless he is adamant with his decision. He wants to run. Wants to avoid the commitment. If marrying me is the greatest mistake of his life, then knowing him is the greatest mistake of mine.
I asked him if he'd like to be 'sex buddies' and he became a bit normal and was back to his usual self again. I think this is the catch I have on him. I know Paul. He's too self conscious and innocent to fool around. He's most comfortable with me. So am I with him.
This trip to Singapore is turning to be quite a nightmare for him. I cannot absolve any part in this. I think that morning when I first set eyes on him that he'd already lapsed into depression. Only all the fuss that I made just accentuated the effect and finally, he's at this stage of instability and self-denial.
Paul paul. My darling Paul. A social butterfly, people lover, Mr Nice Guy has turned into a reclusive, quiet person who constantly needs "time alone". That's prob what Depression does to a person. It's changes a person completely!
Oh my, he's so not him. Which dawns on me that I should not take anything that he says seriously. Yet I'm still vulnerable. I still have unfulfilled dreams and I think I've wasted too much time. Maybe moving on is a good idea. I want to be able to allow him space to rethink about us, yet at the same time too disheartened and reluctant to go through yet anor disappointment like that. I realised I can't take break-up any easy. Thing is I love and treasure the people around me too much that it hurts to see them leave me, even for a day. But perhaps, Paul really needs the break. And so do I.
Our love started off fierce and passionate. A fairytale romance - that's what it is. I was all ready to chuck aside everything that I'd always wanted to do. But now that all dreams and hopes have been shattered, I find myself back on Point Zero with new options and choices.
I'm not giving up Paul. Because I know someday he will return when he is fully recovered. But perhaps this is the opportunity for me to do things that I'd never dared do while he was right beside me. Now I feel alone, and raring with energy and dreams.
I've decided to venture out of Singapore again. Maybe a new environment will nurse the wound while at the same time provide some directional signs.
Paul, I will always love and remember you. When you need me, you know where to get me. Don't take too long and come back soon. I love you.
And I think P's not any better. If any, he's worse I think. It's a good thing he's gonna see a psyche, becos I think he needs special attention - more so than I do.
My problem is I keep repeating the same tragic episode over and over. Thank God for great friends and family members who have great patience. It's something I ought to learn and adopt. Patience - what Paul needs from me now.
I have a huge burst of energy within me. An aggressive spur to want to win him back at all cost. Nonetheless he is adamant with his decision. He wants to run. Wants to avoid the commitment. If marrying me is the greatest mistake of his life, then knowing him is the greatest mistake of mine.
I asked him if he'd like to be 'sex buddies' and he became a bit normal and was back to his usual self again. I think this is the catch I have on him. I know Paul. He's too self conscious and innocent to fool around. He's most comfortable with me. So am I with him.
This trip to Singapore is turning to be quite a nightmare for him. I cannot absolve any part in this. I think that morning when I first set eyes on him that he'd already lapsed into depression. Only all the fuss that I made just accentuated the effect and finally, he's at this stage of instability and self-denial.
Paul paul. My darling Paul. A social butterfly, people lover, Mr Nice Guy has turned into a reclusive, quiet person who constantly needs "time alone". That's prob what Depression does to a person. It's changes a person completely!
Oh my, he's so not him. Which dawns on me that I should not take anything that he says seriously. Yet I'm still vulnerable. I still have unfulfilled dreams and I think I've wasted too much time. Maybe moving on is a good idea. I want to be able to allow him space to rethink about us, yet at the same time too disheartened and reluctant to go through yet anor disappointment like that. I realised I can't take break-up any easy. Thing is I love and treasure the people around me too much that it hurts to see them leave me, even for a day. But perhaps, Paul really needs the break. And so do I.
Our love started off fierce and passionate. A fairytale romance - that's what it is. I was all ready to chuck aside everything that I'd always wanted to do. But now that all dreams and hopes have been shattered, I find myself back on Point Zero with new options and choices.
I'm not giving up Paul. Because I know someday he will return when he is fully recovered. But perhaps this is the opportunity for me to do things that I'd never dared do while he was right beside me. Now I feel alone, and raring with energy and dreams.
I've decided to venture out of Singapore again. Maybe a new environment will nurse the wound while at the same time provide some directional signs.
Paul, I will always love and remember you. When you need me, you know where to get me. Don't take too long and come back soon. I love you.