too many painful goodbyes too often
will upload and journal about the celebration(s) when I have more time :]
Have been running a temperature since last night (must be all the good food from the previous days!) and my eyes were so sore this morning it really stung when I tried to open my eyes. Guess what, the doctor actually said my eyes were swollen because the tear ducts were under heavy pressure which in turn, caused its expansion.
And he asked me this,
"Have you been crying too much lately?"
I was seriously dumbfounded. There I was, one day into my nineteenth life, feeling absolutely naked, as though the doctor had actually read my mind and seen through my cheery facade. All of a sudden, I felt like I was the silliest fool on earth because I realised while I have been crying my heart out over a lost relationship and friendship, those people had probably moved on ...probably enjoying the prime of their life right at that very moment. Tell me, where have you ever heard of an eye infection due to swollen tear glands? It only spells s.t.u.p.i.d.i.t.y.
To you: Please stop doing this. One moment you say you cannot live without me and the next, I hear that you are with some other random female friend. I'm tired of being the other one to you. I have forsaken many things for you but ask yourself honestly, have you ever appreciated what I have done? When I was in so much confusion and hurt, where were you? As I stood at the traffic light for a good 10 minutes the other night, do you know how much I really wanted to end it all by dashing towards the oncoming traffic? Or how I just wanted to bleed to death? Everywhere I go and in almost whatever I do, I am reminded of you, me, us. I have never ever written about you in any of my journal entries but this will be the first and last. I read somewhere that a capable woman is one who is able to keep her man by her side. I'm sorry I'm not capable, not good enough for you.
To you: I doubt you will ever see this, but let me just say it out since you are forever so busy. I do not know why your attitude has changed overnight. Is it because of something I have done or said? There are so many questions I want to ask but it seems I can't even get it past my guts. Maybe, just maybe, I am really too sensitive, but I really doubt it is the case. It really hurts to be treated this way without given any reason ...especially so since you are someone whom I can connect with. If I am not even worth your time, just tell me straight to the face. Y'knw, I really regret meeting up with you back then. But then again, I hate to say this, but I really miss you as a friend. This is really eating me up from the inside...
True enough, I have many many friends. But sometimes, when you are used to leaning on one shoulder and even though a better, probably even broader shoulder comes along, you may never get used to it.
I've always had this fighting spirit inside of me ever since I was young
I've never lost in any waging battle
But I think I really am defeated this time around
I've lost to my worst enemy - myself.