I think I'll keep him....
I think I am more in love with Tony now, then ever before. I don't know what the cause is. Maybe, I am finally feeling secure in the relationship, (geez, I should after almost 8 yrs of marriage) or maybe becuase we've finally settled into marriage comfortably, maybe because the pecking order has been established, or maybe because now I am a SAHM and responsibilities are more drawn than when we both worked. MAybe its all these things.
Not to long ago, I got so upset I said I wanted to leave him. It was true, and it was not. I didnt want to becuase I love him. But, at that moment, I felt my life couldnt get any better than what it was with him. When I think about it, we we got into an argument over $20, but, it was so much more than that for me. All I could see was a life of following him around the country, never being able to focus on me, never have a job, much less a career. Making friends and then leaving. Never having enough money for what we wanted and needed. That day, I was ready to leave. He had lied to me for the umpteenth time, and I caught him for the umpteenth time, and I just couldnt DO it anymore. :(
I know I wasnt serious. I think I just said it to get him to see the light so to speak. And it worked, and he did, and its been great since.
When we first got married, I'll be honest, I felt trapped. I don't know how normal that is or not. I felt that Tony was the best I could do, and I should just marry him. I loved him, but, I dont think I wanted to get married. I was 20. I felt it was a mistake. We fought CONSTANTLY. Tony and I probably had big arguments at least every other day. I used to cry at work. It was terrible. I used to lie in bed in the morning and think about how good it would be if he just got into an accident and died. Then I would be free. I could date again and be young again. Not stuck in some ghetto ass place (Waukegan) or some place far away (Norfolk) It would be better if he died in an accident, that way I wouldnt have to leave him. I'd get sympathy. Me me me. All about me. Mostly though I loved him. I got excited to be with him. But, it was nothing like now.
I remember having this morbid fantasy pepper my thoughts through out the years. I've only told one person, Mike who made me feel so HORRIBLE for having these feelings. I had kinda hoped they were normal in some weird way. He said they were not.
But, since moving here to St. Louis, (which by the way, I thought would be our biggest marital challenge yet, with my dad who thinks Tony is HIS boyfriend, to all T's old drinking buddies.) our relationship has gotten so much better. I think we both grew up. I think the kids helped ME stop looking at the greener grass, and see our grass is greener than most.
This morning though, the old thought came to me, like an old lover. Tony has to work, so, I was laying in bed, listening to the kids yell at one another. The thought trickled into my mind taking full bloom, as I thought on. I saw the police coming to my door, giving me the news. I saw myself prostrate with grief. Crying loudly at the funeral. I saw myself in the black flowered dress I own. COmpletely inappropriate for a funeral but, damn it, this is the dress I wore when I met him coming home from teh ship, this is the dress I'll see him out in. I saw me sitting at the graveside recieving the folded flag, as a sympathetic Navy man handed it to me.
I fast forwarded to me getting a job, and starting to date, and meet men. And this is where it all fell apart. I began to think, "What a pain to have to live with another man", and "I'd probably spend the rest of my life comparing all men to TOny" As much as I tried to WILL myself to think the old thoughts, because they had at one point offered a certain weird comfort, I couldnt. I kept seeing myself prostrate with grief. Living alone forever, because I didnt have Tony by my side. And the thought of having another mans child.. forget it. And having a STEP dad for my kids who have the best dad in the world... no way!!
I got out of bed, smiling,and feeling loved, wondering what my husband was doing right then.
Not to long ago, I got so upset I said I wanted to leave him. It was true, and it was not. I didnt want to becuase I love him. But, at that moment, I felt my life couldnt get any better than what it was with him. When I think about it, we we got into an argument over $20, but, it was so much more than that for me. All I could see was a life of following him around the country, never being able to focus on me, never have a job, much less a career. Making friends and then leaving. Never having enough money for what we wanted and needed. That day, I was ready to leave. He had lied to me for the umpteenth time, and I caught him for the umpteenth time, and I just couldnt DO it anymore. :(
I know I wasnt serious. I think I just said it to get him to see the light so to speak. And it worked, and he did, and its been great since.
When we first got married, I'll be honest, I felt trapped. I don't know how normal that is or not. I felt that Tony was the best I could do, and I should just marry him. I loved him, but, I dont think I wanted to get married. I was 20. I felt it was a mistake. We fought CONSTANTLY. Tony and I probably had big arguments at least every other day. I used to cry at work. It was terrible. I used to lie in bed in the morning and think about how good it would be if he just got into an accident and died. Then I would be free. I could date again and be young again. Not stuck in some ghetto ass place (Waukegan) or some place far away (Norfolk) It would be better if he died in an accident, that way I wouldnt have to leave him. I'd get sympathy. Me me me. All about me. Mostly though I loved him. I got excited to be with him. But, it was nothing like now.
I remember having this morbid fantasy pepper my thoughts through out the years. I've only told one person, Mike who made me feel so HORRIBLE for having these feelings. I had kinda hoped they were normal in some weird way. He said they were not.
But, since moving here to St. Louis, (which by the way, I thought would be our biggest marital challenge yet, with my dad who thinks Tony is HIS boyfriend, to all T's old drinking buddies.) our relationship has gotten so much better. I think we both grew up. I think the kids helped ME stop looking at the greener grass, and see our grass is greener than most.
This morning though, the old thought came to me, like an old lover. Tony has to work, so, I was laying in bed, listening to the kids yell at one another. The thought trickled into my mind taking full bloom, as I thought on. I saw the police coming to my door, giving me the news. I saw myself prostrate with grief. Crying loudly at the funeral. I saw myself in the black flowered dress I own. COmpletely inappropriate for a funeral but, damn it, this is the dress I wore when I met him coming home from teh ship, this is the dress I'll see him out in. I saw me sitting at the graveside recieving the folded flag, as a sympathetic Navy man handed it to me.
I fast forwarded to me getting a job, and starting to date, and meet men. And this is where it all fell apart. I began to think, "What a pain to have to live with another man", and "I'd probably spend the rest of my life comparing all men to TOny" As much as I tried to WILL myself to think the old thoughts, because they had at one point offered a certain weird comfort, I couldnt. I kept seeing myself prostrate with grief. Living alone forever, because I didnt have Tony by my side. And the thought of having another mans child.. forget it. And having a STEP dad for my kids who have the best dad in the world... no way!!
I got out of bed, smiling,and feeling loved, wondering what my husband was doing right then.