"You're always pissed off at me"
This comment is meant to be hurtful. I know it is, because it hurts when Tony says it. Lately this has been his "go to" in a discussion.
I am NOT always pissed off at my husband. I thought I was pretty nice to my husband, I thought we had a great relationship. But, when my husband says that, it makes me think he feels something different. It makes our relationship seem ugly... me, tyranical. It makes me feel like I stalk around the house like some crazed, screamer doling out scathing insults, and the evil eye willy nilly.
So, I wonder what I can do to make things better. I'll admit that there have been certain points in our relationship that I have remained pissed off for long periods. But, I realize that those times it wasnt that I was pissed off at HIM I was pissed off at the world. At myself. At the state of affairs.. and took it out on him.
I know that he has paid for the sins of my father. I know this, and I told him this, and I think that I have tried to stop this. I've really felt that I had softened, was more loving, complimentary, and accepting than before. I thought that I was changing.
But that one little sentence can make me feel lower than dog shit. It makes me feel that all was for naught. That, no matter what, I've done some damage somewhere that can't be fixed with being nicer. That it's all me. I'm mean, I'm horrible, I'm my mother. Which is what I strive everyday NOT to be. Because although my mother makes my dad his lunch, washes his clothes, keeps herself up for him, and makes sure everything is just so for him (think Bree from Desperate Housewives) my parents are not friends. They actively pursue, and participate in activities that do not involve each other. My mom can barely tolerate my dad in her pristine home. She hates having him at the gym at the same time as she. They sit away from one another at my sisters soccer games... WAY apart. When my dad is on vacation, she gets upset. She makes him work on his days off. Sometimes even making him work on his vacation and if he doesnt gets pissed. They dont LIKE each other. I want me and Tony to like each other. I want us to share a bedroom forever. I want us to sit outside and chat more days than we don't. I thought I was taking the right steps to ensure that.
But, I guess its not working. Because no matter how much I am nice, Tony can't remember that. He just remembers the times I'm pissed. He generalizes the situation at hand, and it bothers me. I know this is his passive agressive ways (something he's learned from HIS family) but, I dont see him trying to change that.
WE just got into it again. I called to ask him soemthing, and I did hang up abruptly since we didnt get anything resolved from last night. He called back,and we got into it. At one he said "I'm just a crappy husband and dad" and I said "No, you're not, but, when you go fishing, you have verylittle regard for anything else" So, there, he generalized it, and I made it clear that this was a specific thing. NOt FIVE minutes later, he said something along the lines of me ALWAYS thinking hes something blah blah blah. And I just burst into tears.
I am NOT always pissed off at my husband. I thought I was pretty nice to my husband, I thought we had a great relationship. But, when my husband says that, it makes me think he feels something different. It makes our relationship seem ugly... me, tyranical. It makes me feel like I stalk around the house like some crazed, screamer doling out scathing insults, and the evil eye willy nilly.
So, I wonder what I can do to make things better. I'll admit that there have been certain points in our relationship that I have remained pissed off for long periods. But, I realize that those times it wasnt that I was pissed off at HIM I was pissed off at the world. At myself. At the state of affairs.. and took it out on him.
I know that he has paid for the sins of my father. I know this, and I told him this, and I think that I have tried to stop this. I've really felt that I had softened, was more loving, complimentary, and accepting than before. I thought that I was changing.
But that one little sentence can make me feel lower than dog shit. It makes me feel that all was for naught. That, no matter what, I've done some damage somewhere that can't be fixed with being nicer. That it's all me. I'm mean, I'm horrible, I'm my mother. Which is what I strive everyday NOT to be. Because although my mother makes my dad his lunch, washes his clothes, keeps herself up for him, and makes sure everything is just so for him (think Bree from Desperate Housewives) my parents are not friends. They actively pursue, and participate in activities that do not involve each other. My mom can barely tolerate my dad in her pristine home. She hates having him at the gym at the same time as she. They sit away from one another at my sisters soccer games... WAY apart. When my dad is on vacation, she gets upset. She makes him work on his days off. Sometimes even making him work on his vacation and if he doesnt gets pissed. They dont LIKE each other. I want me and Tony to like each other. I want us to share a bedroom forever. I want us to sit outside and chat more days than we don't. I thought I was taking the right steps to ensure that.
But, I guess its not working. Because no matter how much I am nice, Tony can't remember that. He just remembers the times I'm pissed. He generalizes the situation at hand, and it bothers me. I know this is his passive agressive ways (something he's learned from HIS family) but, I dont see him trying to change that.
WE just got into it again. I called to ask him soemthing, and I did hang up abruptly since we didnt get anything resolved from last night. He called back,and we got into it. At one he said "I'm just a crappy husband and dad" and I said "No, you're not, but, when you go fishing, you have verylittle regard for anything else" So, there, he generalized it, and I made it clear that this was a specific thing. NOt FIVE minutes later, he said something along the lines of me ALWAYS thinking hes something blah blah blah. And I just burst into tears.