(no subject)
Man today just sucks! I don't get why i miss him as much as i do. Especially after he was the biggest jerk in the world. Why is letting go so hard to do? I'm trying my best, but its like i just can't. Maybe becaue i don't want to, I'm not ready to, but i know that i should. Some parts of me are hope that we will get back together. Why i don't really know. Its not like he was really the cream of the crop, But to me he was, well something special. He was very special to me, and im just so sad about everything. I'm way too sad right now, it just sucks, and i don't feel like anything will make me feel better. I know they say time heals all but time is taking its sweet time. I wish tht i had a quick fix, but that wouldn't help me out in the long run. I wish that i could forget everything, but its not like it was a terrible experience. I can't say that in any way it has made me stronger. If anything its made me think of all guys in the same light. I know that i shouldn't do that, but after a bad experience it can't be helped. I totally let my guard down, I opened up to him. I've never done that with anyone else, and when i actually do. My heart is ripped outta my body, and thrown in a meat shreader. I don't think that any of this is fair at all. But thats the game of life, and life isn't fair. But I just wish that things were right so badly. But they won't ever be at all, and there is nothing at all that i can do about that. **sigh** This stinks!!! I wish i knew why certain things happened that way it would be easier to deal with things. It sucks when nothing makes any sense at all. I'm trying so very hard to keep myself together, even though i feel like im falling apart. I actually feel like my world had fallen apart, and that there is no future to look forward to. Yea thats probably a total extreme but i can't help the way that i feel. I won't say that i've lost everything, but i feel like i've lost a lot concerning my future. I don't think that it will ever be the same. Its impossible for it to be the same. If i was sad or upset before i'd walk around with a fake smile. But now i can't even do that, I'm sure tht the way i feel shows, its very obvious that i couldn't be happy. I don't know if i'll ever really be happy again, i don't know if its possible. I don't feel like its possible for me to be happy. Yeap this is so very depressing, But thts just how i feel. I totally feel like i've hit rock bottom. I feel like im drowing and there are people around, but no one cares to help. I guess my expectations where too high. Is it that i wanted what i couldn't have? I want to be happy again!