Finally
The last of my divorce items have been settled and I'm finally free. Never again will I have to deal with A's manipulative BS. Never again do I have to play nice in the hopes of getting what I'm owed. Never again do I have to put on the fake face to not lose the things that matter. I've finally decided (not sure why it took me so long) that I cannot make everyone happy and if it means I lose my nieces in order to be my authentic self, so be it. I will continue to leave messages, send letters, cards and birthday gifts and let life happen as it will. I'll keep trying and at least there's a chance that the girls will know that I've tried.
School is kicking my ass this semester. Two difficult classes and having them all in one night is killer. For the first time, I'm not sure an A is even possible, no matter how hard I try. I will still try, but I'm preparing myself for the disappointment. We'll see how it goes...
Life with C is still fabulous. We've been together 6 months now and I'm happier than ever. I've found someone solid and true... We were talking last night and I was trying to articulate how I felt... In the end, safe was the best word I could come up with. That I don't feel the need to worry... about anything... when we're together. That I trust in the person he has shown me to be and feel comfortable enough to be my authentic self in return. He has all the positive qualities of A without any of the negative. He has many of B's qualities too... like the ability to make me feel fun and carefree. It's still scary to let myself go, but I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with it and less fearful that I'm making a mistake. I think that's the hardest part... A was the biggest bait and switch of my life and I think I still kind of expect people to turn into something else at some point. As sweet as it is that so many of his family members are pushing for us to get married, I know that I need more time to know that the person I believe C to be is the person C actually is. As I told his cousin... someone can tell you who they are, but time is the only way for them to show you who they are... I want so badly to be done with my baggage, but I know that some has become part of who I am and will take much longer to move past.
School is kicking my ass this semester. Two difficult classes and having them all in one night is killer. For the first time, I'm not sure an A is even possible, no matter how hard I try. I will still try, but I'm preparing myself for the disappointment. We'll see how it goes...
Life with C is still fabulous. We've been together 6 months now and I'm happier than ever. I've found someone solid and true... We were talking last night and I was trying to articulate how I felt... In the end, safe was the best word I could come up with. That I don't feel the need to worry... about anything... when we're together. That I trust in the person he has shown me to be and feel comfortable enough to be my authentic self in return. He has all the positive qualities of A without any of the negative. He has many of B's qualities too... like the ability to make me feel fun and carefree. It's still scary to let myself go, but I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with it and less fearful that I'm making a mistake. I think that's the hardest part... A was the biggest bait and switch of my life and I think I still kind of expect people to turn into something else at some point. As sweet as it is that so many of his family members are pushing for us to get married, I know that I need more time to know that the person I believe C to be is the person C actually is. As I told his cousin... someone can tell you who they are, but time is the only way for them to show you who they are... I want so badly to be done with my baggage, but I know that some has become part of who I am and will take much longer to move past.