Grief
I think I've identified my emotion of the day - Grief. It was this dull blahness just simmering under the surface all morning. I felt like I was drifting without an anchor in life and I couldn't really figure out why. I started replying to a guy who contacted me via match.com and realized it was his simple inquiry about my nieces that had started the melancholy. My nieces. Two little girls who I love more than life itself and who I have not been allowed to speak to for nearly two months. Each time I think about the possibility of never being a part of their lives again, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I'm not just some long distance relative that shows up on holidays. I'm the fun loving aunt who plans adventures and plays to exhaustion in the hope of building lifelong memories. I'm the aunt who is known for my love of coloring and at some point hopes they realize it's because it gives me the chance to slow down and get to know these rapidly changing young ladies. Silly conversations can lead to more serious questions and all can be easily discussed over a coloring book.
I'm not one who believes in wallowing in self-pity, so I decided to do something about it. I sent an email to my sister-in-law explaining how hurt I was, that I welcomed the opportunity to discuss things and that I hoped we could find a way to stay in each others lives. Her response was faster than anticipated and has left me with the realization that I am most likely going to lose my nieces. I'm heartbroken, grieving and holding on tightly to the minute thread of possibility in her offer to talk over the phone in a couple of weeks. For now, I'm giving in to the ugly cry and preparing myself for the worst.
I'm not one who believes in wallowing in self-pity, so I decided to do something about it. I sent an email to my sister-in-law explaining how hurt I was, that I welcomed the opportunity to discuss things and that I hoped we could find a way to stay in each others lives. Her response was faster than anticipated and has left me with the realization that I am most likely going to lose my nieces. I'm heartbroken, grieving and holding on tightly to the minute thread of possibility in her offer to talk over the phone in a couple of weeks. For now, I'm giving in to the ugly cry and preparing myself for the worst.