Feb Week 1 Prompt: Beat

Feb 06, 2009 07:33



I opened my bag
                                                Out fell confetti and smells
                                                Latin Memories

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brigits flame, mexico

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mullvaney February 24 2009, 18:05:28 UTC
I'm your other editor for this piece.

I've already said how much I admire your use of language in this piece. Your imagery is gorgeous, it radiates warmth and energy.

There is only one paragraph I would make any changes to at all:
Also the music. The melodies of Mexico are as vibrant as her colors-the tones and beats weave such a sweet story that it is almost possible to taste the chords hanging in the air. It is the music that made the largest impression on me. It seems that music has a way of describing its culture; every country can be represented by a dance.

I think the opening sentence of this paragraph is a bit plain, compared to the rest of the piece. If you took it out, and replaced it with :It is the music that made the largest impression on me, the paragraph would fit much better.

I've never been to Mexico, but I've always wanted to. You make it sound like everyone is open and friendly, and, especially now in February, your descriptions of the sunlight, colors, and music are delightful.

I have, however, been to a dark, loud dance club; your description of that is dead on and a great contrast to the picture of Mexico. Again, it is your word choices that make this work, the short sentences and sharp syllables so different from the languorous words you used for Mexico.

Great work, and I hope you get to go back to Mexico soon!

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