I love the angle you took with this piece! You make Mexico sound so appealing, and dancing such a wonderful activity! I love your descriptions, especially: or a sandy street bathed in sunlight that falls in dollops so warm and pure that golden sequins seem to hang in the very air. The visual image is beautiful!
My suggestions:
1. The short verse that begins this piece is wonderful! For that reason, it deserves more notice- this can be done by leaving a blank line between the last line and the first line of the main part of the piece.
2. As the tiny bits of colored paper flutter to my bed I kneel down to put myself closer to the memory. To improve the flow of this sentence, insert a comma after bed. 3. colors know who they want to be. As specific colors are the focus in this, and the following sentence, try inserting that after colors, and see if that works for you. example: The thing I remember most is the colors-in Mexico, colors that know who they want to be.
I'm very glad to have been assigned your writing this week! I always enjoy readng your submissions, as they are wonderfully descriptive, beautifully worded and just a joy to read!
Thank you very much for your thoughtful edits! I truly appreciate it. I just have one question:
this can be done by leaving a blank line between the last line and the first line of the main part of the piece.
On my screen, I do have a space between the poem and the prose. I've had problems before with lj changing my formatting, but I'm not sure what to do about it. When you look at the screen is there no space there?
I've had the same problems with LJ removing lines, too. The only way I've found around it is to put a blank line, plus a "" there, which then inserts one blank line.
I also just realized that your poem is haiku poetry, whyich I love, but find so hard to write. Very nicely done, and so beautiful, too!
I'm one of your editors for this week.
I love the angle you took with this piece! You make Mexico sound so appealing, and dancing such a wonderful activity! I love your descriptions, especially:
or a sandy street bathed in sunlight that falls in dollops
so warm and pure that golden sequins seem to hang in the very air. The visual image is beautiful!
My suggestions:
1. The short verse that begins this piece is wonderful! For that reason, it deserves more notice- this can be done by leaving a blank line between the last line and the first line of the main part of the piece.
2. As the tiny bits of colored paper flutter to my bed I kneel down to put myself closer to the memory. To improve the flow of this sentence, insert a comma after bed.
3. colors know who they want to be. As specific colors are the focus in this, and the following sentence, try inserting that after colors, and see if that works for you.
example:
The thing I remember most is the colors-in Mexico, colors that know
who they want to be.
I'm very glad to have been assigned your writing this week! I always enjoy readng your submissions, as they are wonderfully descriptive, beautifully worded and just a joy to read!
Very nicely done, and good luck!
Reply
this can be done by leaving a blank line between the last line and the first line of the main part of the piece.
On my screen, I do have a space between the poem and the prose. I've had problems before with lj changing my formatting, but I'm not sure what to do about it. When you look at the screen is there no space there?
Thank you again for your edit and kind words. :)
Reply
I also just realized that your poem is haiku poetry, whyich I love, but find so hard to write. Very nicely done, and so beautiful, too!
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