Okay, cute, concise concept and some great specific details and imagery. Here's what I would suggest doing to tighten things up:
1. The title. Yeah, it fits the content, but it's generic; a title that inflects more on the poem, that gives us something to think about, or gives us reason to linger over it and remember -- that's a good place to aim. I know titles are a pain, but it's a good thing to keep in mind.
2. Stanza breaks. I'm seeing the logical separation between the second and third stanzas, but not between the first and second and third and fourth. I understand why you might want to pause on "demons", but I think the line ending is enough of an emphasis there. The hold on that "ethereal" doesn't really seem to strike home; ethereal doesn't evoke enough within itself to fill that space, I think.
3. You've got really great imagery and details, and I like the way you break your lines; nice emphasis in your first and last words, generally. What I would suggest stylistically is that you try to be a little less prosaic. That doesn't necessitate dropping punctuation, capitalization, or any of those other prosaic systems (although experimenting there is valuable), but what I think would help in terms of rhythm and tightening up the lines here so that the density of imagery is higher would be to drop some unneeded words. For example, try something like:
I can remember being six, my mother cross-legged on the couch, lemon iced tea in one hand -- bible open on her lap. "Demons and angels are fighting ...
Remember: you don't need to write sentences, so every word that isn't essential to the understanding of your image and idea is just drapery.
4. The statue in the end is a bit too ambiguous for me. I wouldn't say I'm requiring a name here, because deciding who is responsible for an apocalyptic battle might be a pretty big statement for one short poem, but I want to have a couple of solid ideas to visualize. I think maybe my problem is trying to understand how the child-narrator's mind turns from the idea of a battlefield and casualties to a statue of this kind -- it seems like a non-sequitur. Perhaps a segue between those thoughts would explain a little more and make the statue ending really hit home.
Thanks for your lovely submission, and good luck this week. :)
Okay, cute, concise concept and some great specific details and imagery. Here's what I would suggest doing to tighten things up:
1. The title. Yeah, it fits the content, but it's generic; a title that inflects more on the poem, that gives us something to think about, or gives us reason to linger over it and remember -- that's a good place to aim. I know titles are a pain, but it's a good thing to keep in mind.
2. Stanza breaks. I'm seeing the logical separation between the second and third stanzas, but not between the first and second and third and fourth. I understand why you might want to pause on "demons", but I think the line ending is enough of an emphasis there. The hold on that "ethereal" doesn't really seem to strike home; ethereal doesn't evoke enough within itself to fill that space, I think.
3. You've got really great imagery and details, and I like the way you break your lines; nice emphasis in your first and last words, generally. What I would suggest stylistically is that you try to be a little less prosaic. That doesn't necessitate dropping punctuation, capitalization, or any of those other prosaic systems (although experimenting there is valuable), but what I think would help in terms of rhythm and tightening up the lines here so that the density of imagery is higher would be to drop some unneeded words. For example, try something like:
I can remember being six,
my mother cross-legged on the couch,
lemon iced tea in one hand --
bible open on her lap. "Demons
and angels are fighting ...
Remember: you don't need to write sentences, so every word that isn't essential to the understanding of your image and idea is just drapery.
4. The statue in the end is a bit too ambiguous for me. I wouldn't say I'm requiring a name here, because deciding who is responsible for an apocalyptic battle might be a pretty big statement for one short poem, but I want to have a couple of solid ideas to visualize. I think maybe my problem is trying to understand how the child-narrator's mind turns from the idea of a battlefield and casualties to a statue of this kind -- it seems like a non-sequitur. Perhaps a segue between those thoughts would explain a little more and make the statue ending really hit home.
Thanks for your lovely submission, and good luck this week. :)
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