Black week
I'm really having a dark week, just having a hard time poking my head out of the clouds this week. I'm thinking too much, I think. That's my problem. I've been thinking so much about Ava, every waking moment of every day...I think for the past two months I've been mourning Ava, mourning for my sister, for Andy, for my Mom & Dad, for friends & family & coworkers and parents of children at work, for everyone, mourning the loss of this baby girl. I've been mourning for everyone else, feeling so much pain for everyone...and then this week I started thinking about all those dreams I had while we were waiting for Ava, all my auntie dreams of teaching her to roll down the hill at camp, to blow raspberries even when her mom & dad are trying to teach her not to, of eventually playdates with my future kids -- her cousins, and sleepovers and shopping trips and and once she got older, being that adult she could feel safe talking to about things if she wasn't comfortable talking about with her Mom, like Auntie Laurie was for Annette & I...and I started mourning for me, for my niece, and all the dreams and promises that I had, and we all had, for Ava that won't come true now, and feeling the fresh pain of what I lost when Ava died, which was something I hadn't, or couldn't, let myself focus on before now. And I feel so selfish for feeling this pain, because I know it must be nothing, nothing in comparison what Annette and Andy must feel. And I'm missing my sister, missing her so much even though she's back to work this week and in the same building I've barely been able to see her because we're working...and this just rips me apart inside too. I miss my sister.
I've just been so sad. And I don't want to make Annette or anyone else sad, or sadder than they already are, so I don't say anything and just ended up trying to fumble my way through it alone this week. I cried with Mom quite a bit when I visisted her last night, and felt somewhat better when I left. Or at least a bit more in control of myself.
The sunshine will break through the clouds. I just have to keep faith that it will.
I've just been so sad. And I don't want to make Annette or anyone else sad, or sadder than they already are, so I don't say anything and just ended up trying to fumble my way through it alone this week. I cried with Mom quite a bit when I visisted her last night, and felt somewhat better when I left. Or at least a bit more in control of myself.
The sunshine will break through the clouds. I just have to keep faith that it will.