Wedding day.
So... it came and went.
I am grateful to Paul because a few weeks ago (when I had gotten yet another email from TheKnot.com, reminding me that my wedding was in 24 days) I mentioned that I really wanted to be kept busy, no matter what it was, on that day. Thankfully, it also happened to be Easter and I love Paul's family so it wasn't hard to just enjoy the company. The day before, we spent a few hours at a conference for one of the major insurance companies that his company works for. Anyone need an excuses to go to Vegas? It's a little more expensive than I'd like, but hey...
Anyway, I spent a while trying to figure out why I was feeling so disappointed. Not sad, not wishing that it was my wedding day - just disappointed. Disappointed that I failed again. I really don't blame myself for my marriage falling apart, nor my relationship with Adam, but I do blame myself for being blind enough to believe that either of them could really have ever been what I needed. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I grew up always re-examining things with the idea, "What could I have done differently?" I don't beat myself up over it, but I definitely think about it.
Paul's mom likes to make a lot of jokes about marriage and kids. It is funny but there's a small voice in the back of my head that says, "Should I really try it again?" I definitely enjoy my relationship with Paul and we make a pretty good team. I guess we will see what happens.
I am grateful to Paul because a few weeks ago (when I had gotten yet another email from TheKnot.com, reminding me that my wedding was in 24 days) I mentioned that I really wanted to be kept busy, no matter what it was, on that day. Thankfully, it also happened to be Easter and I love Paul's family so it wasn't hard to just enjoy the company. The day before, we spent a few hours at a conference for one of the major insurance companies that his company works for. Anyone need an excuses to go to Vegas? It's a little more expensive than I'd like, but hey...
Anyway, I spent a while trying to figure out why I was feeling so disappointed. Not sad, not wishing that it was my wedding day - just disappointed. Disappointed that I failed again. I really don't blame myself for my marriage falling apart, nor my relationship with Adam, but I do blame myself for being blind enough to believe that either of them could really have ever been what I needed. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I grew up always re-examining things with the idea, "What could I have done differently?" I don't beat myself up over it, but I definitely think about it.
Paul's mom likes to make a lot of jokes about marriage and kids. It is funny but there's a small voice in the back of my head that says, "Should I really try it again?" I definitely enjoy my relationship with Paul and we make a pretty good team. I guess we will see what happens.